After last week’s post was written and scheduled to publish, initially I felt ok. I was proud of the fact that finally felt strong enough to speak my truth and no longer feel like I was blogging with one hand tied behind my back. As the hours ticked by towards publication I started to get worried about the post. I edited it numerous times, to ensure that I was comfortable enough to let it be published. I knew that at some point the anxiety would really kick in I just wasn’t expecting it at at 4am the day of publication.
I was reasonably comfortable on Wednesday evening when I turned in for the night. I was slightly anxious but kept trying to rationalise that this was a normal programmed response that over time I would unlearn. It is amazing how narcissists control you with fear of the explosion of their rage or perhaps the threat of the silent treatment. This is a cycle I have lived through my whole life. It gives you massive insecurities that love and support will be removed from you without notice, for breaking their rules, the ones you didn’t even know existed.
I was a little surprised at how calm I was on Wednesday evening, it was too calm. But I thought well maybe I have had enough time away from that circus, to know that I wasn’t so under it’s control. How wrong I was. I woke up at 4am on Thursday morning in a cold sweat paralysed with fear. I lay in bed listening to my husband getting ready for work, with my mind going back and forth between whether or not to get up and stop the post being published. I decided to ride it out that I could no longer give into the fear of upsetting or angering people, who play no role in my life, who have done nothing but harm me when I was involved with them.
It was really bloody hard because the physical feelings of anxiety are not easy to ignore. Why should I be frightened of telling the truth? Surely I should be free at 47 to speak out about part of my life that has controlled so much of of what I do and say. No one should be this frightened of their family. To be frightened of one’s family isn’t normal. I have rationalised it and explained it away long enough. I am not doing that any more.
My physical feelings of anxiety are always the same, my stomach flips multiple times in a minute. I can feel light headed, I can hear my pulse in my ears and usually I will want to have the shits! Probably TMI. I managed to talk myself out of removing the post, I just thought let the chips fall where they may. By removing it I am continuing to let the control me. Given time the anxiety will reduce and I won’t be triggered so easily. It was hard but I did manage to get back to sleep.
When I woke up at 8am the first thing I did was check my emails, I was fully expecting there to be abusive comments waiting to be published. I have always ensured that comments on either blog site are not allowed to publish without my permission. This isn’t because I am a control freak but due to the fact both my blog platforms are targets for spammers. I remove a huge amount of spam every week from both blogs . I was grateful to see that what I did have were messages of support and that I wasn’t alone. It is sad that so many of us grow up in these toxic environments and are too terrified to speak out due to the control still exerted over us even as adults.
In the past I have raised things with my family, that have upset me, where I was name called or treated badly and every time I was told “It wasn’t meant like that” or ” that isn’t what was said” or “that didn’t happen”. Any criticism of parenting style was seen as an attack and it always took a great deal of courage to raise these issues. After a while I just gave up, you can’t discuss things with people that won’t accept what they did was wrong and life is too short for me to continue to keep trying and getting the same result.
My experience of narcissists is that the older they get the worse they get. Their audience has dwindled because most people have worked out what they are and give them a wide berth. It is a huge red flag when people constantly tell you they have no friends, a) they like being the victim b) It is simply not possible to go through that many years of life and to have zero friends – unless you are Attila the Hun or Hitler maybe but even Donald Trump has friends. As a narcissist ages the masks slips, you have been so long in their orbit that they don’t even bother trying to hide who they are anymore. The thought of having to put up with their behaviour until the dying day ( regardless of the inheritance involved ) filled me with horror. There simply wasn’t any reward on heaven or earth enough for me to continue to be this family’s whipping boy.
The anxiety has died down, I am ok with what was published I still stand by it. If they don’t like it that simply isn’t my problem anymore. There are a lot of things that have taken place in the last 47 years that I am not happy about but I have still found happiness and love with Mr Myasthenia Kid. I wish them all a long happy life together because truly that is what they all deserve