Charades

At some point in your life you decide that no matter what you do, for some people it will never be enough. That you come so far down their list of priorities that you have to look yourself in the eye and say I am worth so much more than an after thought.

I have always tried to be honest in what I write about but since I started this blog I have felt like I have always had to write it with one aspect of my life never commented on. I can’t do it any longer and I am not prepared to do it any more. Pretending that I have a supportive family who love me is over. It has been for years but I have been scared into silence by them. I’m not scared anymore.

I have left friendships  due to being treated badly, people grow apart or something happens and their mask has slipped and you decided enough is enough. I never ever thought that I would have to close the door on family. For years I have been shamed into secrecy and silence. Playing a game of charades pretending that we were the perfect family when we were anything but. The decision has been about 5 years in the making, as I gained the strength and knowledge to know that this had never ever been about me about about three terribly damaged individuals who were incapable of change because they couldn’t see what they were doing was wrong.

I am not here to drag it all into the light, I am past caring what you do because nothing you could do to me now would be worse than what I have suffered at your hands for the past 47 years. I am sad that I wasn’t enough for you, that you felt I only warranted “good” treatment when I was doing things for you. Well don’t worry your pretty little heads the door is firmly shut and I won’t be opening it. 

There wasn’t one thing or action that determined this turn of events, as I say the decision had been 5 years in the making. My eyes were well and truly opened in 2015 in the way that you ran to my siblings defence and cast me as the bad guy as per usual, without even speaking to me. The way you treated me really broke my heart, I was so upset I couldn’t eat or sleep, I was distraught.  Oh and by the way I told E exactly what to write in that message and I approved it before she sent it.  

It was my gp  that told me that she was using her children as weapons. In fact it was my gp that opened my eyes to the fact that our family relationship was dysfunctional and that their was an element of coercive control / narcissism to it. Whilst I was there at the appointment begging for anxiety medication and sleeping tablets because your combined actions had destroyed me. But what did you care? Not a jot after revelling in telling me that when my father dies you would no longer have a relationship with me.

When my father asked me to apologise for what I had done and when I said tell me what it is that I have done wrong so that I don’t do it again, I was treated like I was being the unreasonable one. No, asking someone to apologise for “everything” as you put it but without quantifying what everything is, is a fucking mind game. You all know that and so do I. But ever the scapegoat  and peacemaker, I apologised for everything whilst my estranged sibling hurled accusations at me going back as far childhood all of which were untrue or she had twisted the context to ensure yet again she was the victim.

So I went on a 5 year journey trying initially to discover what was so wrong with me that my sister could walk out of my life without a backwards glance and my parents could side with her without even speaking to me. Why my parents had always seemed to love me less than her. For two people who claim they were treated so badly growing up as the youngest child was favoured by your parents, you really do miss the fucking irony of repeating exactly the same pattern don’t you? I read websites, blogs, mountains of books all on the subject of narcissism. Once I scratched the surface of your behaviour it became crystal fucking clear that the issue wasn’t me, it was all of you and your twisted fucking minds.

Before anyone claims that it takes two to tango, I am not saying I am a perfect human being. I have flaws as everyone does. But their is a huge difference between flaws and taking positive enjoyment out of causing your own child mental anguish and harm.

Initially I truly believed that the issue was my sibling and now that we were estranged perhaps my relationship with my parents would improve? Unluckily for you, all that research had shown me how narcissists abuse their victims and how they always go through a cycle of love bombing and then when they feel the target has fallen for their lies hook, line and sinker they withdraw or have you walking on eggshells again never knowing when you might take offence or withdraw from me for weeks on end. I soon realised that the narcissism gene wasn’t carried by my estranged sibling alone. It could be applied to the pair of you. 

For a long time I tried to excuse the way that you behaved. I became a world expert at practising cognitive dissonance  but my body / unconscious mind kept sending me more and more warning signals when I was dealing with you. I would get anxious and panicky at the thought of having to speak to you or see you. Covid-19 in 2020 was a positive blessing as it helped me realise that closing the door on that chapter of my life was not going to be some huge deal because as I said earlier you had humiliated me, hurt me, attempted to break up my marriage, ignored me, destroyed my friendships and just so much more, there really wasn’t anything left in your arsenal to hit me with.

 My dear friends, who know my family be prepared for the smear campaign to start after this blog post if it hasn’t already. No doubt they are claiming that I am mentally ill / having a breakdown – that’s the usual line or that Mr Myasthenia Kid has brain washed me against them and is controlling everything I do. For the record yes I suffer with anxiety and depression on and off, also the reason they don’t like my husband is the fact he saw through their bullshit from the start and wouldn’t get involved in their mind games.

Suddenly the slow drip drip effect of your behaviour became a Tsunami, there was no holding back from seeing straight through it. Since stepping away from all the bullshit and continuous hurt I have never been happier. Despite everything you have put us both through, the lies you have told about us to anyone will listen, I am sad that I don’t miss you. A child should miss their parents presence but I don’t. I thought their would be a grieving period but there wasn’t. There is anger, anger that you tried to hijack my husbands grief and push your agenda on us. Stupidly if you had rung up and apologised for that, we would still be in contact because despite all the shit you have pulled over the years, all I ever wanted was to be loved by you and to know that I was enough.

Thankfully after having had 3 months out of your circus I know I am enough, that without you I won’t shatter and break. That my life will continue on. I will no longer lie awake at night wondering what it is I have done to upset you this time. My exit, on my own terms and I won’t be keeping quiet. If someone asks I will tell them. If you don’t like that I no longer care.

I have never felt like a victim, I am a survivor no longer the scapegoat and no longer playing your twisted game of charades.

6 thoughts on “Charades

  1. Thank you for sharing this. You could almost be eriting my story here apart from a few family details.

    It’s making me wonder, as a fellow myasthenia patient, whether the environments we grew up in somehow contributed to our conditions.
    The fact that we were always on edge to please parents, we were never quite enough, knocked down when we were happy with an achievement etc. In short, our fight or flight systems were always in overdrive.
    You did the right thing and should be proud of yourself. I did the same thing last year and though I went through an initial grieving process, I know it was the only thing I could do.
    You’re very courageous…remember that xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Paintbrushfaerie,
      Thank you so much for leaving a comment and reading my blog post.
      It would certainly make sense that environmental factors such as raised cortisol and adrenaline would have an impact on health long term. It certainly explains why my body is constantly in fight or flight mode.
      Thank you so much, I don’t feel courageous I feel stupid for not seeing it sooner!
      Rach x

      Liked by 1 person

      • You’re not stupid at all. You’ve just not been given the space or opportunity to find out what’s truly been going on. I’m the same age btw and it’s only really dawning on me now. It’s actually shocking to think someone could wilfully inflict that kind of pain on someone else but at least we’re both free of that person/those people now. We should write books 🤗

        Liked by 1 person

      • The problem is most people have no experience at all of Narcs or this kind of abusive relationship. I find a lot of times people just don’t believe that a) it went on b) I stayed in it for so long 3) that people who are supposed to love you could behave like that. They will accept domestic violence occurs in a romantic relationship but can’t make the leap to familial relationships
        .

        Like

  2. I have nothing but empathy and admiration after reading your post. Thank you for sharing this. Too many if us have lived or are living with abusive narcissists (some of them are psychopaths).
    I walked away from my family over a year ago and I won’t look back again either. It can be a challenge sometimes, especially when memories resurface but you’ve done absolutely the right thing.
    Go on, be brilliant, be you

    Like

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