MOJO MIA

My writing mojo is currently MIA, on friday I found out that a lad I went to school with and kept in contact with on social media passed away aged just 44. Leaving behind his wife and daughter whom he adored.

 

This just broke me, Friday into Saturday I barely slept. I spoke to a good friend overnight via social media and was sobbing for most of the night. I also had irrationally decided that my sewing machine was a piece of crap and that I would have to buy a new one, sending the old one back. It’s funny how grief, insomnia and emotional exhaustion will leave you exhausted and utterly irrational.

 

There is nothing wrong with my sewing machine, I have had some issues with it as I had been using the wrong size bobbins. On Friday my new bobbins arrived and the machine was running better. I told myself on Saturday morning if it didn’t run ok when I gave it a quick go, then I would be contacting the company that sold it to me and asking for a refund. Of course ever since the new bobbins have been here its been running beautifully.

 

However at around 7.30am I had a complete meltdown. Jay got really worried that I was heading for a bout of depression. Thankfully despite everything that life has thrown at me since losing Willow in December, I was just expressing my grief. My friend passing away, who I had known since I was 11 and was a month older than me, was just a massive shock. I had a bloody good cry and then pulled myself together as at 8.30am a decorator was coming to paint our stairwell. I didn’t think he’d want me blubbing every five minutes.

 

As the lounge was going to be stinking of paint I decided to take the plunge and make myself my first piece of clothing from some jersey material I had bought in the Christmas sales. I had to make the pattern by working out how my favourite top was constructed. It took me all of Saturday to make the pattern, cut the fabric and then sew the body and two arms. On Sunday I hemmed the body and inserted the arms. Finally I did the neck, I am so pleased with it, purely because I made it. Yes there are mistakes in it and it will probably never be worn outside the house but I made it. It is my design loosely based on another top.

 

 

 

Today I have made a little travel sewing kit tidy. It’s been a nightmare and harder than making the top as the instructions were diabolical. Its taken me most of the day, leaving me with my back in spasm but I got to use four  different feet on my sewing machine.

 

The day this blog post is published I will be attending the funeral of my friend Pam. I think half the reason I have kept myself so busy this week is because I am dreading this day. Saying goodbye to her will break my heart. Sleep tight Pam x

Advertisements

Quick post

Sorry this will just be a quick post this week. I have been waiting for inspiration to strike but it must’ve taken a holiday and forgotten to tell me. I have no clue what to write about, so I will just give you a quick rundown of what has been going on here at The Myasthenia Kid HQ over the last week or so.

 

Mr Myasthenia kid was on holiday last week so we cracked on with doing the decorating. The lounge has needed re-done for a while and we have been putting it off and putting it off. The paint has been sat in my bedroom for about two months but we just didn’t have the energy or motivation to do it. The last week was Jay’s last week of holiday until April. Our new sofas arrive next month and I really didn’t want to be decorating around two new sofas. I will be honest it nearly killed the pair of us. It was divided over 4 days as not only did we paint the lounge but we also did the little hallway upstairs. I only do the small bits I can manage but my back, hands and wrists have been playing up ever since.

 

I also upgraded my sewing machine last week, I had a cheap Lidl one which was great when I first started but it was starting to limit what I was able to do. Button holes were a nightmare a 5 step process, this machine is just choose which one of the nine buttonhole designs you want and off you go. I will admit it is taking some getting used to but I love the top loading bobbin and the needle threader so much already. I can set up my machine in no time at all. I have been a little frightened of it if I am honest, so much so Jay practically forced me onto it today, saying “you’ll never feel confident with it if you don’t use it” which is very true. I had been avoiding using it  (as much as I had used the previous machine). Now I hope to sort myself out and get to grips with it .

 

Here are a few bits that I have made over the last few weeks.

 

Bag – buttonholes done on my new machine

I also made these Harry the Hares

I have made quite a few hot water bottle covers

Mollie snuggling up with one I made for myself

 

Pam

Just when you begin to think that life couldn’t get any tougher and you finally feel like you can take a breath again, the universe laughs and tosses you another curve ball. I wrote a while back that two people in my life were battling terminal illnesses, both of them had lung cancer. And whilst I knew what the inevitable outcome would be, that at some point I would face the rest of my life without them in it, nothing can actually prepare you for the day it happens.

 

As regular readers of my blog will know my Grandmother passed away on January 6th this year. Then on Friday 26th January I was awoken with the news I had been waiting for all night. That my dear friend of over 20 years had passed away. In the last 12 months I have been through 5 bereavements, in the past 6 weeks three of them occurred. To say I am at breaking point  is an understatement.

 

Losing Pam, is like losing a close member of my family. We have in those 20 years been neighbours twice, when I lived at my flat she lived on the floor below. When I was being shown around the house I am currently in, Pam leaned out of the back bedroom window stating house prices would drop should we decide to move in. When we came to view this house we had no idea that Pam lived next door, as our close friendship didn’t really develop until 2007 onwards, although we had always been friends.

 

To sum Pam up in a few words is impossible, when they made her they smashed up the mould, pulverised its pieces and spread them all over the globe purely because the universe knew there was only room in the world for one Pam. She was hysterically funny, whether she meant to be or not. She had excellent comic timing and I have lost count over the years how many times she made me choke on my tea or got me to snort it out of my nose. She would do anything for anybody nothing was too much trouble. She has helped me and Jay out of many scrapes at the drop of a hat. She was like that with everyone she knew.

 

I don’t think Pam every truly realised how many people loved her. I know she found it hard to comprehend why all these different people were sending her flowers, gifts and coming to visit her. She told me she felt truly blessed and been particularly touched by a lady who she had been to school with who had tracked her down after numerous years

 

Pam knew people from all walks of life, if you ever went out with her you could guarantee she would know someone. It always used to make me laugh that when I had tradesmen at the house to fix stuff, I would find them outside chatting to Pam, she either knew them or knew their mums. It was crazy the amount of people she knew. So I have a feeling when we say our final goodbyes the place is going to be filled to the rafters with those who loved you. So many people are hurting right now, none more so than her family. I am so grateful to have known you and to have had you in my life for the last 20 years.

 

2018 stumbling through

Before we start, I want to say a quick thank you to those of you who have clicked on the link over on Blogger. Thanks for bearing with me whilst I attempt to sort out my technical issues on that blogging platform.

 

Christmas and New Year have been really hard for us this year. Losing Willow so close to Christmas left us devastated and unable to summon the usual festive good will. Then just as I thought I was beginning to cope with life again and not merely stumbling through, my grandmother passed away. On the day it happened I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I was back to stumbling through. And now today Wednesday 24th January marks a year since we lost our friend Andrew. Is it wrong for me to want 2018 to do one already?

 

Immediately after Willows passing, we were both struggling to sleep, with me having constant nightmares about losing either Mollie or Frankie ( losing them physically as in going missing whilst on a walk) and hubby  struggled as every time he closes his eyes, he saw Willow in her final moments. And although it was peaceful, it was still traumatic for him. If you have never loved a pet as part of the family, you will never understand the level of grief we are feeling. I thought losing a dog due to old age would be easier than when we lost Travis before his third birthday. How wrong I was it hurts at the same level but in different ways. This time I didn’t have the guilt of not doing enough (even though there was nothing we could have done for Travis). I just missed her and all her annoying habits. She was a very soppy dog who believed humans only existed to fulfil her need for constant cuddles. To have a sea of bonio crumbs in my bedroom doorway again, would mend my broken heart completely.

 

We are bereaved, our hearts are heavy and tears come very easily (and they come very easily some days). Yet there are people out there who have been incredibly insensitive to our loss despite having suffered a bereavement in their own lives at some point. Who seem to forget what we have been through (when they should know better) or do not think it warrants the level of grief we are feeling.  I received a message from someone I only know on social media informing me I should be making an effort for Christmas, after I had said I had lost all my Christmas spirit. Had there not been the possibility of  some repercussions (now I just don’t care) if I had told them to fuck off, I had to bite my tongue and thank them for their offensive message. I would never dream of telling someone how to grieve especially less than 24 hours after they have lost a relative / friend or pet. But apparently I was fair game because after all it was just a dog. I hope the person who sent me the message reads this blog post and realises what an utter C**T I think you are. I apologise to those of you who can’t abide bad language but there really is no other word to explain how I feel about them and still do.

 

Emotions are running high, I can’t help that. The only thing that is bringing me joy is my sewing at the moment because I have to concentrate 100% on that and can escape reality. However I can’t do that 24/7. In the days immediately after Willows passing I sewed for hours every day. I ended up with a bad EDS flare and probably a touch of arthritis thrown in for good measure. My fingers were swollen like sausages and I couldn’t bend them without squeaking with the pain.

Losing the ability to sew and distract myself made it very hard. Which in turn left me feeling very low, I was counting down the days until Jay was off work for Christmas. It was very hard as his work schedule meant he had a lot of late finishes, which since Willows passing I found very difficult to cope with. I have no idea why the evenings were so bad, as I am normally in bed by 7pm but I really struggled with being alone in the evenings.

 

Things are slowly getting easier, I actually feel present now rather than feeling like I am operating through another dimension. I am crying very easily and I haven’t been a crier for years. I miss Willow everyday but I can talk about her now without losing it completely.

I need to say thank you to all of those who sent Jay and I messages, cards, wine, chocolate! We were totally overwhelmed by all the love and support we received. So many of you knew Willow and what a cuddle whore she was (cuddle whore was one of her many nicknames). And even those of you who have never met her or Jay and I, have sent us such beautiful messages. For the first week or so I struggled to read them as I was crying so hard. We are still receiving messages now from complete strangers who just know my little family through the power of blogging. I am touched that you have taken the time to reach out to us and express your sympathy. Actions like those restore your faith in humanity.

 

I am hoping to get back into blogging properly very soon, I needed to write this to just get it out there and off my chest. Pretty much like any other blog post of mine. I don’t think 2018 is going to be any kinder, both Frankie and Mollie are quite old for Weimaraners 11 & 13, Jay and I accept that. We know that being a pet owner comes with the responsibility of always putting them first, even when it breaks your heart.

 

Apologies for my absence

It’s been a hellish few weeks of late, firstly losing our dog Willow on the 15th December and then my Grandmother passing away three weeks and one day later. In between that we also had to deal with Frankie (Willow’s brother) also being horrendously ill. Add in the constant headaches I had been suffering since Willow passed away, I hadn’t been in the mood for writing, nor if I am honest did I care. I have simply been putting one foot in front of the other in an attempt just to get through this.

 

If you don’t follow me on Facebook or Instagram you’ll have been left in lurch and wondering what on earth has been going on for me to not post for so long. It’s been a while since I have taken a break from blogging, years in fact but this was needed to sort myself out. I am not there yet, there are still days filled with tears and a physical pain in my heart. I just wanted to quickly update those of you who are unaware of what has been going on, that I am ok and that I just needed some time.

 

Hopefully from next week I will be publishing again on a regular basis. I say hopefully as the universe keeps throwing things my way…………..

Willow

In last weeks blog post I explained that I had been looking after two poorly dogs. Whilst Frankie had recovered from his illness, Willow took a turn for the worse during the night (Thursday into Friday) and we had to make the decision to let her go with dignity. This is probably one of the toughest blog posts I have had to write in a long time.

 

At the moment it is still too raw to go into much detail, I hope that you can understand that. She wasn’t just a dog to us, she was very much a part of our little family. Whilst Jay and I are obviously heart broken she leaves behind her mother Mollie and her brother Frankie. We are all trying to come to terms with a new normal in a world without Willow.

 

Rest in peace sweet girl, you were loved so completely by all of us.

 

Willow Warbler (Morris) 7th October 2006-15th December 2017

Willow

 

 

 

 

This will be my last post of 2017. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you all. xx

Reindeer…

Currently we are nursing a poorly dog, Willow. We and the vets don’t know what is wrong with her, we are awaiting test results. She isn’t eating, she is sick every time she goes out for a walk and she has lost 4 kilos in weight. She was overweight to begin with so her weight is spot on for her breed now. However to us she looks skinny. It is a worrying time, as she has had cancer in the past and we just don’t know if it has returned and it’s the beginning of the end.

 

She is an old girl by Weimaraner standards at 11 but she is still pretty mental. She is the maddest of our three always hysterically excited to go for a walk, always first when there is food about. So to have her not herself is very strange. We probably won’t know until tomorrow afternoon Thursday 14th December what is wrong with her, well after the blog post has been published.

 

I try to keep busy as with so much going on at the moment it is very stressful. At the moment I have been making something just for me. A soft toy Reindeer. It is exceptionally difficult for me to make, for the second time in two days I have had to walk away from it before I lose the plot. I thought the head would be the most difficult thing to do. I did mess up the antlers but I managed to do the head without having to unpick it constantly. I haven’t managed that with the body. It is driving me nuts but I will get there. I want to be able to make things like this. It is however an enormous leap from making stars to making a Reindeer with numerous panels and darts to sew. I should have gone for something that was midway between a star and a soft toy. Once this has been completed though I will have learnt an awful lot.

 

I am exhausted due to all the stress and worry in my life at the moment. So I am sorry this isn’t a long post. Hopefully next week I shall be able to tell you what is going on with Willow.

 

Reindeer head