Charades

At some point in your life you decide that no matter what you do, for some people it will never be enough. That you come so far down their list of priorities that you have to look yourself in the eye and say I am worth so much more than an after thought.

I have always tried to be honest in what I write about but since I started this blog I have felt like I have always had to write it with one aspect of my life never commented on. I can’t do it any longer and I am not prepared to do it any more. Pretending that I have a supportive family who love me is over. It has been for years but I have been scared into silence by them. I’m not scared anymore.

I have left friendships  due to being treated badly, people grow apart or something happens and their mask has slipped and you decided enough is enough. I never ever thought that I would have to close the door on family. For years I have been shamed into secrecy and silence. Playing a game of charades pretending that we were the perfect family when we were anything but. The decision has been about 5 years in the making, as I gained the strength and knowledge to know that this had never ever been about me about about three terribly damaged individuals who were incapable of change because they couldn’t see what they were doing was wrong.

I am not here to drag it all into the light, I am past caring what you do because nothing you could do to me now would be worse than what I have suffered at your hands for the past 47 years. I am sad that I wasn’t enough for you, that you felt I only warranted “good” treatment when I was doing things for you. Well don’t worry your pretty little heads the door is firmly shut and I won’t be opening it. 

There wasn’t one thing or action that determined this turn of events, as I say the decision had been 5 years in the making. My eyes were well and truly opened in 2015 in the way that you ran to my siblings defence and cast me as the bad guy as per usual, without even speaking to me. The way you treated me really broke my heart, I was so upset I couldn’t eat or sleep, I was distraught.  Oh and by the way I told E exactly what to write in that message and I approved it before she sent it.  

It was my gp  that told me that she was using her children as weapons. In fact it was my gp that opened my eyes to the fact that our family relationship was dysfunctional and that their was an element of coercive control / narcissism to it. Whilst I was there at the appointment begging for anxiety medication and sleeping tablets because your combined actions had destroyed me. But what did you care? Not a jot after revelling in telling me that when my father dies you would no longer have a relationship with me.

When my father asked me to apologise for what I had done and when I said tell me what it is that I have done wrong so that I don’t do it again, I was treated like I was being the unreasonable one. No, asking someone to apologise for “everything” as you put it but without quantifying what everything is, is a fucking mind game. You all know that and so do I. But ever the scapegoat  and peacemaker, I apologised for everything whilst my estranged sibling hurled accusations at me going back as far childhood all of which were untrue or she had twisted the context to ensure yet again she was the victim.

So I went on a 5 year journey trying initially to discover what was so wrong with me that my sister could walk out of my life without a backwards glance and my parents could side with her without even speaking to me. Why my parents had always seemed to love me less than her. For two people who claim they were treated so badly growing up as the youngest child was favoured by your parents, you really do miss the fucking irony of repeating exactly the same pattern don’t you? I read websites, blogs, mountains of books all on the subject of narcissism. Once I scratched the surface of your behaviour it became crystal fucking clear that the issue wasn’t me, it was all of you and your twisted fucking minds.

Before anyone claims that it takes two to tango, I am not saying I am a perfect human being. I have flaws as everyone does. But their is a huge difference between flaws and taking positive enjoyment out of causing your own child mental anguish and harm.

Initially I truly believed that the issue was my sibling and now that we were estranged perhaps my relationship with my parents would improve? Unluckily for you, all that research had shown me how narcissists abuse their victims and how they always go through a cycle of love bombing and then when they feel the target has fallen for their lies hook, line and sinker they withdraw or have you walking on eggshells again never knowing when you might take offence or withdraw from me for weeks on end. I soon realised that the narcissism gene wasn’t carried by my estranged sibling alone. It could be applied to the pair of you. 

For a long time I tried to excuse the way that you behaved. I became a world expert at practising cognitive dissonance  but my body / unconscious mind kept sending me more and more warning signals when I was dealing with you. I would get anxious and panicky at the thought of having to speak to you or see you. Covid-19 in 2020 was a positive blessing as it helped me realise that closing the door on that chapter of my life was not going to be some huge deal because as I said earlier you had humiliated me, hurt me, attempted to break up my marriage, ignored me, destroyed my friendships and just so much more, there really wasn’t anything left in your arsenal to hit me with.

 My dear friends, who know my family be prepared for the smear campaign to start after this blog post if it hasn’t already. No doubt they are claiming that I am mentally ill / having a breakdown – that’s the usual line or that Mr Myasthenia Kid has brain washed me against them and is controlling everything I do. For the record yes I suffer with anxiety and depression on and off, also the reason they don’t like my husband is the fact he saw through their bullshit from the start and wouldn’t get involved in their mind games.

Suddenly the slow drip drip effect of your behaviour became a Tsunami, there was no holding back from seeing straight through it. Since stepping away from all the bullshit and continuous hurt I have never been happier. Despite everything you have put us both through, the lies you have told about us to anyone will listen, I am sad that I don’t miss you. A child should miss their parents presence but I don’t. I thought their would be a grieving period but there wasn’t. There is anger, anger that you tried to hijack my husbands grief and push your agenda on us. Stupidly if you had rung up and apologised for that, we would still be in contact because despite all the shit you have pulled over the years, all I ever wanted was to be loved by you and to know that I was enough.

Thankfully after having had 3 months out of your circus I know I am enough, that without you I won’t shatter and break. That my life will continue on. I will no longer lie awake at night wondering what it is I have done to upset you this time. My exit, on my own terms and I won’t be keeping quiet. If someone asks I will tell them. If you don’t like that I no longer care.

I have never felt like a victim, I am a survivor no longer the scapegoat and no longer playing your twisted game of charades.

Migraines, Occipital Neuralgia Flare up

Well I know for a fact I am not alone in this as everywhere on social media people are complaining about the barometric pressure  causing more frequent migraines. I have more in the last week than I have had for ages, add in a flare up of Occipital neuralgia and I haven’t been a very happy bunny all the last week.

The weather although not exceptionally hot is very humid and close. A few times we have had an amber weather alert for  thunder storms but sadly no light show. I love a good thunder storm especially now I have a dog(s) that doesn’t get hysterical when there is a good storm raging around us. The most Dembe does is bark at the noise and then he settles back down to sleep again. As much as I loved Mollie, Willow and Frankie sleepless nights due to storms or fireworks were exhausting. Having a dog that will sleep through them is wonderful.

At the end of last week I was in agony, my neck, scalp and forehead were all spasming due to the occipital neuralgia making it incredibly sore to move my neck to the left. It also triggered several migraines and made sleeping very painful as the back of my head was so sore. In desperation I contacted the doctors and begged for a small amount of Diazepam to relieve the spasms. When it has got to the stage that my forehead is constantly sore and I can’t turn my head then the only thing that will work is Diazepam. I need to take it a couple of times over two days for the spasms to stop. In the past I have tried alcohol and additional pain relief ( not the two combined obviously) to get the muscles to relax along with heat, using hot water bottles and heat mats. 

Thankfully I did get a small amount of Diazepam and within two days I had moved out of the awful pain cycle I had been in and I can now move my head to the left without shrieking which is always a bonus. 

When I have weeks like this it is always exhausting, pain at that level just wipes out all my energy. I find it incredibly hard to concentrate and I lack any motivation to get anything done. The pain that I am in stems back to the car accident I had almost a year ago now. I have been left with an ulnar nerve entrapment, a flare up of migraines, occipital neuralgia, pins and needles in my left buttock and down my left leg. I also have pins and needles to varying degrees down my left arm and into my ring finger. The stress of the accident and the fall out from that has also kicked off the spasms in my feet, which I am still waiting to see the neurologist about. I was offered an appointment the same day as my father in laws funeral, obviously I couldn’t attend. My gp has now chased this up and it looks like the end of August at the earliest.

Thankfully the occipital neuralgia has settled an awful lot back to its usual level and not the searing pain I had last week.  When I get to the point where I was last week I end up getting very tearful with the frustration at the situation.

My mind is all over the place as I have just learned a childhood friend of mine who lives in The Netherlands has been seriously ill with Covid. He has been in a medically induced coma for 4.5 weeks a further 2 weeks in intensive care and is now having to re-learn everything. Kris is a fit and healthy 50 year old man who has no underlying conditions and it did this to him. And yet people still don’t believe Covid is real. Get well soon Kris.