I do some really daft shit when I am half asleep but last nights efforts beat anything I have managed previously.

I have spoken at length on numerous blog posts about my dry eyes, they are worse at night and only the other week I had another episode where my eyelid stuck to my eyeball and caused a corneal abrasion that was fucking agony without a word of a lie. I have been religiously putting in my eye drops daily to prevent that situation happening again but this isn’t full proof and whilst the medication is building up in my system it is till very likely to happen. So when I woke up last night and felt a little tug on my left eye lid when I tried to open my eye I knew I needed to act now to ensure I prevented another corneal abrasion.

I stumbled into the bathroom, whacked on the light and fumbled around trying to find my eye ointment. The box was empty so I grabbed the tube that had fallen underneath. I pulled my lower lid down and started applying the product as I looked into the mirror. Even in my half asleep daze it suddenly occurred to me what I was putting in my eye was completely the wrong colour.I went from semi conscious to wide awake in a heart beat!  It was too late it was already in and then the pain hit, the type of pain that hits when you have just put Blistex Lip relief cream in your eye. Its main ingredients being Camphor and Menthol. My eye ball was now on fire and all I could do was pray that I could wash this shit out.

Now to be honest the tube didn’t look like this however the product I managed to apply to my eyeball is no longer sold in that packaging. The old blue and white metal tube with the bright red lid is the one I had lurking on my bathroom shelf. I didn’t even know I had a tube of this stuff a it has been an age since I used it. I can’t believe that it was underneath the empty box of eye ointment, talk about bloody fate.

I screamed as the menthol and camphor really began to bite, I got a flannel popped it on my cheekbone and started pouring water into my eye to try and clear the greasy ointment from it. For a few seconds it would feel ok then I would blink and then the burning would start again. Despite me screaming in pain all I got from Mr Myasthenia kid was snores. I kept pouring cold water into my eye, I grabbed some of my artificial tears to see if they would help rinse the lip cream out of my eye. As I did so Dembe charged into the bathroom carrying his bunny and wagging his tail. Although endearing it didn’t help the situation at all.

After 20 minutes of continually washing out my eye it stopped stinging but I was left with the feeling of a “Minty Fresh” eye ball which is bizarre to say the least. Every time the cold air hit my eye, it felt cold. It isn’t something I would recommend. I was amazed that I didn’t end up tasting the stuff as that is what normally happens with eye drops.  I found the mislaid tube of Hycosan eye ointment which would have been lying side by side with the Blistex and put that in my eye. I then stumbled back to bed in my soaking wet t-shirt. Amazingly I went straight back to sleep.

It is now 7 hours later and my eyeball still feels “Minty Fresh” it doesn’t hurt it just feels cold. My vision is fine and I haven’t had an allergic reaction to it which is a blessing seeing as though I tend to react to most eye ointments. I am allergic to Hycosan and only use it when my eye feel’s like it is starting to stick to my eyeball. 

I think I have got off relatively lightly and thank my lucky stars that no serious damage was done. I will now make sure that there is nothing remotely similar in the basket where my eye ointment is kept that could be applied to my eye by accident. I would love to say it was the first time I had done something stupid whilst half asleep. A few years ago now I managed to grab my bottle of oramorph ( liquid morphine) , remove the child proof cap and drink from the bottle. Mistaking it for my bottle of water. As soon as I realised what I had done I ran to the bathroom and made myself sick which is difficult when you have a virtually non existent gag reflex. I then stayed up for the rest of the night to ensure I hadn’t overdosed on it. It was really scary for a few hours. Ever since then I have ensured that my oramorph is kept in its box and out of grab reach for me whilst in bed. 

It amazes me how I can function half asleep and manage to get myself into so much mischief.  


I have written about my struggles with insomnia previously, thankfully though its not been something I have struggled with since around 2016 when I was prescribed melatonin and the antidepressant Mirtazapine . Both have improved my sleeping habits immensely. I also take a low dose of amiltriptyline to prevent migraines and again this helps me sleep….until last Sunday night (18th November).

Sunday nights have been a sleeping issue for me as long as I can remember. I think the sleeping problems started over the anxiety of going back to school on the Monday. Throughout my school years I was bullied, so going to school was a cause of anxiety. If ever anyone says to me their school days were the best of their lives I want to punch them in the face. For me they were a source of misery and I never knew who would be gunning for me next. Primary school was particularly awful, comprehensive school was slightly better but I just felt so out of place there having come from a tiny school of less than 400 pupils to then be amongst over 800.

After school I then had the Monday morning work anxiety. I would be ok on Sunday until about 5pm and then I would begin to worry about events that would take place at work during the week. Again I was the target of two bullies unfortunately both were my boss and when one left the business the other one jumped right in and took their place. I loved my job and was good at it but it did absolutely nothing for my mental health.

So now after years of Sunday night anxiety its ingrained in me and I can never sleep or settle down for sleep very easily on a Sunday evening. So when it happened this Sunday I just shrugged my shoulder and thought oh well I’ll sleep Monday. Yet when Monday came around the same thing happened no sleep. I put Mondays lack of sleep down to having bloods being done on Tuesday morning. Its always a drama getting blood out of me. It was it took 2 people three attempts. I’ve got a lovely blown vein on the back of my hand. 

Tuesday was also dramatic as our washing machine broke down, well died to be more accurate. It was about 5 years old and had been a really good machine – washing machines don’t seem to last very long in this house. Probably due to the dogs stuff that fills the waste pipe with sand. I have a Rug bag  which is what horse owners put their horses rugs in to stop all the dirt etc going into the machine – its a bit like a lingerie bag for horses lol! A new machine was ordered and set up for delivery the following day. We can’t be without a machine when we have two elderly dogs who have accidents.

So when I lay tossing and turning last night I presumed I was anxious about the new machine being delivered. I wasn’t remotely anxious I just couldn’t drop off to sleep and if I did drop off I was only staying asleep for ten minutes or so. Today I am exhausted three nights of very little sleep has destroyed me after being used to sleeping again. On all three nights out of desperation I have increased my melatonin, added in an extra amiltriptyline and then last night I toyed with taking my last diazepam which is my emergency pill for either the dentist or when my neck pain is off the charts. I don’t have the doctors until next week  and I will ask about an additional prescription of diazepam as when the neck pain is bad its the only thing that relives it.

Last night well technically this morning I didnt drop off until gone 02.30am , at 7am I received a text message to tell me that our new washing machine would be with us in 20 minutes. So bang went any chance of managing to sleep for a bit longer. Jay has gone back to bed. He can fall asleep pretty much whenever and wherever he wants. I am unable to do that and I am always terrified if I sleep during the day I wont sleep at night. So today I will push through until I can’t go on any longer. My plans of using my embroidery machine have gone out of the window. I am so out of it I’d be a danger to myself holding a pencil let alone using machinery. If I didn’t have a load of things being delivered today I would have crawled back into bed right now, regardless of not being able to sleep tonight.

Insomnia causes my pain levels to increase, my mood to plummet and makes me thoroughly miserable. I hate not sleeping because the knock on effects can last weeks. Its been so long since I have had a run of three nights that I had forgotten how bloody awful insomnia makes me feel. 

Fingers crossed that at some point this week I fall asleep before 2.30am!