With Jamie’s guest blog post last week In Sickness & In Health it brought me back to thinking about a post I wrote in May 2014 and reblogged in March 2015 called Weathering The Storm. It was good to see Jay’s perspective of things from the side of being a carer, husband and breadwinner because I do feel a tremendous amount of guilt about the way my illness has not only impacted my life but of his also.
It was lovely getting feedback from people who see us in the real world and from those who only know us through the internet. Not that I want or need outside validation to know that I have a wonderful relationship with my husband, as quite frankly I find it incredibly hard to accept compliments or to “see” what others see in us. To find out your relationship is an inspiration to others is obviously very nice but it also feels quite strange. I have never seen either of us as any kind of role model. It is a really weird situation to explain without sounding like an ungrateful twat and that couldn’t be any further from the truth. I am truly grateful (as is Jay) for everyone who took the time to leave comments on Facebook and on the blog post. We were both very moved by the things people wrote, so we want to say thank you for that.
The thing is Jay and I don’t think we are anything special, we just work. We are very similar in our outlook and sense of humour. We both mean the world to each other. Neither can imagine life without the other, when I think of family he and the dogs are it. When something good or bad happens he is the one I want to tell first but to me that is how any relationship should be. I suppose it seems strange because I know we aren’t one of those couples that are constantly doing PDA’s (public displays of affection), we never have. We are by nature quite private people, which is hilarious when you think about it in connection with my blog. However like any blogger or anyone on social media there are things that you don’t share because you still want a level of privacy and to have something that is yours and yours alone.
I wrote a lot about the guilt I felt due to getting sick back in 2014’s Weathering The Storm, things have changed a bit, I still feel pangs of guilt but not on the level I used to. I know that I didn’t do anything to cause my predicament or to deserve getting sick. It is just one of those things that happens. I did feel very guilty last year due to the amount of stress that Jay was under due to my CSF Leak and the amount of time he had to take off work at short notice. I worry about the impact it has on his career and his standing amongst his colleagues yet they were the ones who took the time to praise him for his blog post. That meant a great deal to both of us and reassured me that at least in his work world, he isn’t thought any less of due to me.
I am lucky I have a partner who will stand by me through thick and thin. I know he loves me, he tells me everyday and I tell him the same. We had so many plans before all this happened and it’s only in the last few years we have been making plans for our future again. Until a few years ago I could see no future and no point in planning anything long-term. He has taught me that plans can always change no matter what the situation but it always important to have plans, dreams, aspirations rather than always being focused on the here and now. Even when things were really dreadful last year and I was confined to bed for much of it (due to a spontaneous CSF Leak) we would talk about going on holiday, about fundraising for a new wheelchair etc. Even if those things seemed nothing more than a flight of fancy at the time, they are what kept us both going.
I think a lot of the strength of our relationship comes from the fact we have shared hopes and dreams. We aren’t working against each other but together for common shared goals. A relationship is the biggest feat of teamwork you will ever take part in. We work together because we want to be together come what may. And whilst we have both had utterly crass and insensitive things said to us over the years, as in “leave / walk away, this isn’t what you signed up for” or “If you were my wife I’d leave you”, we haven’t taken it personally. Rather we have felt a deep sympathy for the partners of those who have said those horrible things. Wondering if they knew that they were once accident or illness away from having the love of their life abandon them. It never crossed Jay’s mind to leave and if the shoe had been on the other foot, it would have never crossed mine either. When we took our vows we meant them, they weren’t said with our fingers crossed behind our backs in case anything ever changed. We aren’t like that and can’t understand people who are. I really do think those sort of people are in the minority, well I hope they are.
So from both Jay and I we just wanted to say thank you, to everyone who read the blog post and to those of you who took the time to leave a comment. We read every single one and they all meant a great deal to us. Jay has promised that he will write another piece in the future, again the subject matter will be entirely down to him.
Thank you from us both and of course the dogs.