Truth v Gossip

There is one thing that I have found since having several chronic health conditions that people simply do not understand and that is the fatigue levels that come with them. I know some people have created this fairy tale in their heads that either have withdrawn from society or that Mr Myasthenia Kid doesn’t let me out in the world. People stupidly believe this gossip rather than actually ask me. They are simply untrue, the reason I don’t go out very much is because I get so exhausted by doing very little outside the home.

At home I have an environment I can control. I have regular household sounds, lighting etc. All of which my body is used to. The minute any of that becomes too much I can go to bed, lie down, limit the light and sound. Out of the home I have zero control over the additional stimuli my body is bombarded with. Also these days I am using a scooter a lot of the time, the concentration levels involved in driving this even for a short period of 20 minutes, drains me. It makes it hard for me to manage a conversation and drive. The minute I don’t concentrate like when driving a car accidents can happen. I have almost gone off the sea wall down at the seafront because I was trying to talk and drive. It takes a lot out of me and unless you have to balance your activity and rest periods people just don’t understand it.

Since Sunday I have had an extraordinarily busy week, for me. For normal people this will probably sound like a leisurely few days. On Sunday we went to Pets at Home the big one so around 20 minutes in the car to get there. Then we went to Tesco to upgrade our phones which took about an hour. We had Dembe with us who behaved beautifully. There were lots of people in Tesco that I knew that haven’t seen me since I have lost 49lbs in weight and who also wanted to meet Dembe. So it was very busy. After the morning we had around 90 minutes sit down and then we went to visit friends with Dembe. It was lovely to see them both and Dembe really enjoyed his visit too. However by 6pm I was completely drained and was up in bed resting, before dropping off just after 8pm.

Many of you will be thinking how can that low level of activity wear you out? I wish I knew, my only explanation is the assault on all my senses just physically and mentally wears me out. The extra noise, people, lights, smells, physical activity of driving a mobility scooter. Being upright with my legs down and blood pooling, changes in temperature, all those things combined just zap any charge that was left in my batteries. On Monday it took me hours to get moving. I was fit for nothing until about 2pm, which is crazy. My body just felt like there were 15lb weights attached to each limb and my head, well I just couldn’t really focus on anything that demanded more than a limited amount of mental acuity. 

On Tuesday I felt a lot better as I had spend Monday recuperating, which again if you have never suffered from bone crushing levels of fatigue you would struggle to understand. We needed to take Dembe to the vets to be weighed and to get his worming tablets / flea / tick treatment. We were there around 20 minutes as we like to have a catch up with the staff as Dembe is very popular there. We then popped up to Tesco for a few items, we took Dembe with us to give him some more environmentalization training. We only needed three things but Dembe has such a huge fan club amongst the staff and customers that it took 40 minutes. I then spent as much of the afternoon as I could resting with my feet up as in the evening we had our first night back at our weekly dog training class.

Evenings are the absolute worst time for me to be out of the house. Purely because I go to bed every evening between 7pm – 8pm or earlier if it is a rubbish day. By then I struggle to hold myself upright, co-ordinate my movements and as I discovered last night I can also end up struggling to talk because my brain can’t channel the words to my mouth. Ending up with me looking like a fish out of water. I thought I would be ok, after all I did the dog training in the summer. But I don’t think I had been out as much during the day. The dog training lessons are intense. Even though I just sit there and let Jay do all the training. I can’t do the walking around or being up on my feet that much. 

I coped ok in June and July so it was really surprising ( and frustrating ) to me last night to get half an hour in and to start feeling really, really unwell. I don’t know about anyone else but I hate having to ask for help or potentially making a scene due to being ill. I have in the past been known to wait for everyone to leave the room before I have allowed myself to projectile vomit. Thankfully there was nothing for anyone to see, although I may have gone more pale than normal. I just suddenly had the internal organ sinking feeling, then felt I experienced some feelings of dissociation. I knew I was in the room but I didn’t feel I was part of it. Unless you have felt this it is a difficult feeling to explain. I can feel like this just before I faint and I knew that is what my body was preparing to do. As I was sat down I rapidly starting clenching my bum cheek and tensing my calves in an attempt to get the blood moving. The whole time I was absolutely terrified I was going to wake up surrounded by people having taken a nosedive from the chair.

The weird thing was I could see poor Dembe trying to alert Jay to what was happening as hit lay down on the floor and had his head turned to me. He was watching ensuring I was ok. When I spoke to Jay afterwards to let him know what had happened he said “why didn’t you get up and go to the car so you could lie down?” which is a reasonable enough question as normally I do have quite a bit of warning so I can avert a faint. I just said to him that I felt so bad I was terrified if I stood up that I would go down with a bang. He then said “well why didn’t you shout me?” the simple fact of the matter was I just didn’t want to do anything that would draw attention to me.

 I really HATE the spotlight being on me, I hate it even more if it is because I am having a funny turn or have fainted. It is stupid I know but I just can’t, it makes me feel so very uncomfortable. Like I am causing a nuisance or being melodramatic. This probably goes back to various incidents at school and at work where I have been seriously unwell and been called a drama queen or that I was causing a scene. When I was younger I was never believed when I was sick, even when I have had major surgery, I had work colleagues say I was doing it for attention. How on earth you get a team of NHS surgeons to open you up from pubic bone to sternum just for fun I have no idea but apparently I can.

Thankfully my funny turn went after 10 minutes but it left me feeling seriously drained. I spent the entire journey home yawning non stop which is always a sign that my blood pressure has dropped. I was in bed by 8pm and asleep by 9pm.

Today ( Wednesday ) I am seriously pooped but like I always say I’d rather be knackered due to going out and having fun or just living a normal life than being this wiped out from doing nothing. Again it has taken me all morning to get going. I have been up since 7am and it is only now at 13.30 that I am starting to feel human and that I can do anything that needs any mental clarity. On days like this I have to take advantage of any window of opportunity when I feel well enough physically and mentally to be able to get up and crack on with something I want to do.

Obviously having the Weimaraners did curtail my activities outside the house. It was too expensive to get dog sitters in all the time and there are only so many times you can ask friends to do it for you. They were too destructive to leave by themselves, so in the end it just became easier to not go out or just one of us go, than stress out about finding someone to stay with them. Our friends have been fabulous, Imogen looked after them so much in 2015 when I had my CSF leak. If it hadn’t been for her I wouldn’t have been able to attend half the appointments I did. She also looked after them when we went to the Emma Bridgewater factory for the day which was a 14 hour (plus) stint . My friend Sharon also did us a massive favour when she stayed with them so that Jay could appear on Sewing Quarter TV. Both Ellie and Heather have stepped up too and looked after them, along with Tracey, Sarah and so many others over the years. But even with that massive pool of helpers it wasn’t fair to continually ask them to look after them. So our outside activities took a back seat, plus a lot of the time I just wasn’t well enough.

Now we have Dembe and we are training him to be my assistance dog it means the whole world has opened up to me again. It is really weird after having 12 years of not really going anywhere but the hospital, the doctors surgery or the dentist. Those visits also wiped me out. We are so used to being home we are having to force ourselves to go out. Which is another reason why we are doing all the training with Dembe as it means at least once a week I will leave the house and also that he will be a well behaved assistance dog whom we can take everywhere with us. But I will always have to pace my activities. I will never be well enough to go out all day, every day of the week. I just don’t have the stamina or physical reserves to be able to cope with that. And that is fine with me. I do quite like my own company and being able to do the things I want to do. I guess I am saying I like a balance.

So when someone tells you that someone is a recluse or that they aren’t allowed to go out. Have a good long think about that person’s circumstances. Think about if they have a chronic health condition, suffered a bereavement all manner of things that could be the cause of them not being outside in the world as much as you think they should. Don’t take the easy option and accept the gossip no matter how credible the source because it is just that their take on what they “think” is happening. Which doesn’t make it the truth.

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Scrap-busting sew along complete

As Jay is on holiday this week and we have stuff planned for everyday this will just be a quick one.

A while ago I wrote a blog post  Scrapbusting   in which I told you about a sewing challenge that I had joined. This was what is known as a sew along and the challenge was to make a quilt out of scrap fabric. I had never joined a sew along before as I never believed that I was good enough to take part. This challenge has totally changed my mind and I am so glad that I took the plunge.

I finished my quilt on Friday afternoon, at some points it felt like it would never be finished. The quilting was exhausting, as I had chosen to do a hexagonal design , which meant getting a very large quilt through a domestic machine on multiple occasions. Also getting the quilt sandwich together was a monumental task. The lounge had to be cleared of furniture so I had the room to lie the quilt flat on the floor. A quilt sandwich for the uninitiated is quilt top + batting / wadding + quilt back. All the layers have to be smooth so that when you are quilting it, you don’t end up with lots of puckers. Of course I had my very own helper.

When I say helper I mean that in the loosest possible way. 

It took me around several days to complete the quilting. I had to take a week off after I started as I had my second corneal abrasion ( it was the second in 4 weeks this time I managed to scratch in a line above the pupil and I am fighting to get a referral to ophthalmology but that sorry tale is for another day).  The abrasion healed quickly but my eye was full of gunky ointment as it was so dry.

Whilst quilting I did wonder what on earth had possessed me to do such a complicated design but I was throwing caution to the wind and trying out new things. I managed to get the binding on in a day because I machine bind. I find using a needle and thread quite difficult so it is the only way for me to finish a quilt. The quilt police will be having a field day but I really don’t care. I have to do what suits me and what allows me to complete a quilt, not what the quilt police want.

It is the largest quilt I have worked on coming in at 54 inches by 77 inches. I am very happy I have finished it as I was starting to get a bit bored as I was itching to start new projects.

I made my quilt label on my embroidery machine. I managed to get it sewn on yesterday but it was slow painful going. I really need some new hand sewing needles as I only have inbetweens which are tiny and a nightmare for me to work with my fingers decide to be uncooperative.

We are using the throw over the back of the large sofa as it fits it beautifully. Plus it won’t be subjected to Dembe’s nails there as the one on the small sofa is constant attack as he had decided the lounge window sill is now his. 

 

 

Rainbow Bridge

I have  called this blog post Rainbow Bridge as all pet owners will know what I am talking about and can make the immediate decision whether or not to read this post. If you decide to skip it, I understand . I can’t even read the poem Rainbow Bridge without breaking down and turning into a snotty, red faced, tear stained mess. So if you decide from the outset that this post probably isn’t for you, I get it. I will just reassure you that I will not be talking about Frankie or Mollie’s passing at the start of this year. That shit is just too raw still to deal with and I would prefer to spend the remainder of the day functional rather than being the snotty, red faced, tear stained mess I know I will become.

 
The blog post is called Rainbow Bridge because I want to talk to you about the very real depth of grief losing a pet, any pet can cause you. A grief that you can feel embarrassed about because you didn’t know it was possible for your heart to physically hurt so much and you not keel over and die. A grief and depth of feeling that unless you have lived the experience you can not begin to even comprehend what the other person is going through. And a grief that you feel you have to hide from the world as grieving over an animal is still seen as self indulgent, selfish, weak, being melodramatic. A depth of feeling that is so strong that it even takes you by surprise.
 
We are in this country ( the UK ) crap at dealing with other people’s grief, even when they have lost a child or a partner. We seem to assume that once a person returns to work or starts doing normal things again that they are ok. Many people seem to think that there is a set period of time that a person should grieve for and after that time has passed, all that emotion and sadness should just turn off. If they don’t you are seen to be wallowing or attention seeking. A lot of people just don’t seem to understand that grief is not a linear journey and that it never ends. You will always be dealing with your grief one way or another. Time is not a great healer, there is no healing for grief, there is a just getting used to it. What initially in the first days, weeks and months seems all encompassing does slowly reduce in size but it never leaves us. It is something we carry always.
 
Those of you that aren’t pet owners may be surprised to read that it is exactly the same for those who have lost a pet. I really hate using a the term pet as I feel like it diminishes their status. But until someone comes up with a better word, I will have to use the one that is universally understood. Most people these days understand that our pets are more than just “pets” they are much loved members of the family within their own rights. Which is why it cut me to the core when somebody recently clumsily said to me ” You were so lucky to get Dembe when you did to replace…” she stopped herself continuing with this statement as I think she realised how awful what she had said sounded. 
 
There is no replacing a beloved cat, dog, guinea pig, hamster or horse. The same as you can’t replace a mother, a father, a child, a friend. Each one of those like our pets are unique. So why people use the dreaded replace word I have no idea. I’m glad it was said recently to me rather than just after it had happened because I don’t think I would have been able to control myself. I may have got physically violent because it was just so insensitive. Now because there is a little bit of distance from the event and I am not caught up in the overwhelming emotion of it, I can understand that it was clumsy and not ever meant the way it sounded. Why do I know that? This person has recently lost her mother and father in the space of a couple of years. She knows there is no replacement for them, she is also a dog owner and knows they can’t be replaced either. Had she said this in January I wouldn’t have been so forgiving.
 
When I found myself in the position of losing Frankie and Mollie within 7 days, having lost Willow 55 weeks earlier, I honestly didn’t know how I was going to carry on without them. The pain, the grief was just so overwhelming. The house had already felt strange after Frankie passed and then when Mollie was no longer here, it seemed so cold and empty. I missed the feel of their fur, the warmth of their bodies, the noise their paws made on the laminate floor. The pools of water Frankie liked to dribble all over the floor after having a drink. The barking, the farting, picking up the poo, the bonio (dog biscuit) crumbs. Everything that had meant being a dog owner for the last 15 years had just been suddenly snatched away with no warning. Everything seemed so bleak and miserable. You will never know how much you will crave a cuddle with a dog ( or any pet ) until you suddenly are no longer able to do it. 
 
That was the hardest thing to cope with in the days that followed their passing, that I couldn’t stroke a dog, be licked, have a tail wag. Jay and I spent every minute that we could out of the house because being in the house just magnified our loss. We were lucky in the respect that a week after Mollie passed away we brought home Dembe. I dread to think what life would have been like without him. I know some people will think that far too quick and that they don’t feel that they could take on another dog / animal whilst they are still mourning their loss. Everyone is different and there are no rights or wrongs in this situation. Had there not been any puppies available we would have had to wait, it is just the way things happened. We felt at the time and still do that it was written in the stars. The breeders had the same surname as the breeders of Mollie and Travis. Dembe’s mum was called Willow, it all seemed like it was just meant to be.
 
Did having Dembe stop the grief? Of course not. In some ways it complicated things because initially I was terrified that Dembe was going to die. My anxiety went up through the roof. It had been a very long time since we had a puppy in the house and it all seemed very alien to us. So whilst trying to come to terms with losing my babies – which they will always be to me no matter how old they were, I had a new baby to deal with. It some ways it was also good for us, we threw ourselves into socialisation and getting lots of experiences under his belt. That meant we had to leave the house and see people. We invited lots of friends over to get them involved. I don’t think for us any time would have been the right time to bring a puppy into the house. Our lives had revolved around our Weimaraners and this was such a massive change to our life, it will probably take us years to get used to it or our heads around it.
 
What did surprise me was the way the people seemed to think once we had Dembe that the grief would just suddenly disappear – as in the replacement theory. There were good surprises as well, people that I had only ever known on facebook sent flowers, cards, gifts. We had so many messages from people. Even though at the time it was hard to read them, not because there was anything wrong with them but just because they were so kind and thoughtful. I heard that Jay’s boss broke the news to his colleagues at work and a couple of them burst into tears because on the previous Saturday the poor man had also had to tell them that Frankie had passed away. No one could quite believe that life could be so cruel. I still don’t believe it but I am happy that Frankie and his mum / best mate are together again.
 
Initially I felt like we had to hide the fact that we had been looking at puppies and we had visited Dembe, paid the deposit two days after Mollie had passed away. It wasn’t because we didn’t love her, I have been crying on and off as I have been writing this. It is because Jay and I are realists, we knew the dogs couldn’t go on forever. Mollie was 14 and quite deaf, Frankie was losing the use of his back legs, had arthritis in his hips and spine, he hadn’t been able to wag his tail for months and was a huge 41kg, 12 year old dog. He had lived far longer than anyone had expected. Even before we lost Willow in 2017 we had been discussing when we got a dog in the future what breed it would be and what his name would be. We had always said we would have a boy, due to the fact both girls had spay induced incontinence after being spayed as emergencies. We said a Labrador as Mollie had always had a thing for black Labs, she adored them. We never knew why but if she met a black lab on a walk her face would light up and she would play bow. The Weims were as much part of our decision making process as we were, as we wanted their blessing. I know none of them would have wanted us to live our lives without a dog.
 
I saw a Meme not long ago that said Dogs fill your life with many happy days and the one worst day of your life. It is pretty true, although the worst day is the worst day when you have to say goodbye, the not so worst days follow, where you have to face life without them and hope that Rainbow Bridge is true and that one day you will all be together again.
 
In Loving memory of 
Travis Morris
Mollie Morris
Willow Morris
Frankie Morris
 
Not a day goes by that I don’t mourn your loss. Not a day goes by when I don’t talk about at least one of you to Dembe. You would have loved him so much.
 
Travis
Mollie
Willow
Frankie
 
Everyone thinks they have the best dog ever,  none of them are wrong.
 
Dembe

I am a survivor

Well I am still not feeling the blog. I don’t know what’s going on but I am really finding it hard to come up with stuff to write about. I am spending 7 days waiting for inspiration to strike and it just isn’t happening. By Tuesday each week I am in a bit of a panic, I like to try and write on a Tuesday if Jay goes out running errands. If not I will wait until Wednesday morning but I don’t like leaving it until Wednesday as I always panic if I have a migraine or something and no blog post is produced.

At the moment the days are just merging into one. I haven’t seen any of my friends for over a month although I keep in regular contact with some of them. I have come to realise over the last 8 months that some of the people that I thought for there for me, disappeared when Frankie and Mollie passed away.  I understand that everyone has their own lives and families, with their own shit to deal with but it has been a very isolating experience. Some people have made a supreme effort to be present and other well not so much. It’s ok as I have a long memory and will be sure to return the favour when the shit hits the fan in their lives. I didn’t expect to be visited constantly but the occasional text message would have been nice, especially when they know my situation of living alone and Jay working.

Thankfully though I am pretty self sufficient, whilst dealing with my grief, I was juggling a new puppy and attempting to find time to sew / embroider. It hasn’t been easy but Dembe and I have found a new routine that works for us. He is pretty good at entertaining himself whilst I am busy sewing. He always positions himself in a location where he can keep an eye on me and ensure he knows if I have moved. He likes one of three places, the bed by the washing machine, the sofa that looks into the kitchen or out under the gazebo on the bench surrounded by all the cushions. I can’t believe my luck that he doesn’t get bored and then start destroying things. When I have finished sewing he knows that is our time and I will ensure I spend the time playing with him, doing training or just cuddles depending on his energy levels. I have been blessed with a pup that is so very well behaved and so very loving. His favourite spot for sleeping is right beside me on the sofa. This is him right now as I am writing this post.

My life has totally changed this year, I have re-assessed a lot of relationships. I have made the decision that I won’t swim an ocean for people who wouldn’t jump a puddle for me. I have decided that instead of worrying about what everyone is thinking or saying about me behind my back and believe me you’d be surprised the shit I hear being spoken about me by people who should know better, that I shall just carry on living my life and enjoying myself. The best revenge on those sad twats is to enjoy yourself and plaster it all over social media. It totally then fucks up all the fairy tales that they have been telling people for years.

I am also getting out of the house a lot more, this does have to be limited and planned for. I haven’t suddenly magically got better, it is just with one dog things are a lot easier. Especially as Dembe is such a friendly dog and on the whole pretty well behaved, although we have now hit the teenage years and recall seems to be a take it or leave it thing! Fatigue still grinds me down. I like using my energy for things for things that make me happy. So using my mobility scooter on Woodbury Common and getting out with Jay and Dembe has been unbelievably healing and grounding. 

It has been the one thing I have missed most since I got sick. The wheelchair trike although brilliant is an absolute ballache to transport. The wheelchair is fixed framed so that would take up the whole boot and then I would have to juggle the trike attachment with me in the front of the car. Not exactly safe. Then I piled on a load of weight when I developed my CSF leak and was virtually bed bound for a year, then in 2017 and 2018 we suffered a number of bereavements and I tend to self medicate with gin, chocolate and junk food / takeaways. I was 5 stone over the optimum user weight for the trike. So anytime I did try to use it the battery drained in minutes. I’ve been too embarrassed to say that because I allowed myself to get fat as fuck, I haven’t been able to use it. Hopefully now I am back losing weight ( it’s taken me until the last month to feel like I can actually do it) and I am back to 3 stone down, ideally at least another 3 to go so I will be massively under the optimum user weight. The trike will be used in the future as it is more suited to the rough and rugged environment of the common.

I do love my mobility scooter though and it has given me back my independence. It is easily taken apart to it can fit in the back of the car. It makes life so much easier if I need to go to the doctors or the hospital for appointments.

Over the 2 months I have got back into sewing and actually enjoyed it rather than feel I am going through the motions. From January until June I made a bloody good show of pretending I was ok, ensuring I used my embroidery machine every week and appeared to be enjoying myself. At points I felt like I was dying inside. I felt like a shell of the person I was. I didn’t feel I could voice the pain I was in. I know others struggle with grief especially when it is over an animal and not a human being.  Like I said earlier it has been one of the most isolating experiences of my life. There just felt like there was no one there. I do wonder if there had been someone their if I would have still felt so isolated.

I do have a tendency when things are tough to disappear into myself and attempt to shut out the world. I still kept on posting on social media, I still kept the creative things going but in all honesty I was going through the motions. It is only now that I can watch anything remotely sentimental without breaking down immediately. I only now feel like me. I feel like I have been on some weird journey where at points I lost myself. It is true what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger because in January / February this year I honestly thought the pain would kill me or I wished it would.

So I skillfully went off on a tangent there, I am enjoying sewing again and being creative rather than having to force myself to do it in the hope at some point the joy would come back. I am still working on my scrap busting quilt sew along. I found out yesterday that it is between a double (bed) and king size (bed) size, so it definitely is the largest one I have ever worked on. I made the back panel for it yesterday.

And in case you have forgotten what the front looks like

This morning I sorted out the wadding ( what you call batting in the USA ) which needed sewn together. I also made some plastic templates  to draw around as I have decided to tray something totally different with the quilting. It has taken me a few days of mulling it over to come to my plans. I have drawn it out so I have something to refer to. I now just need to have Jay clear the floor space in the lounge so that I can put my quilt sandwich together quilt back + wadding / batting + quilt top. I use temporary basting spray to hold it together but as it is so large I will also be pinning it. This ensures that the fabric stays nice and flat so it doesn’t shift and give you puckers. I also managed to sort out the binding yesterday. So it is all ready to be quilted shortly. I will be quite glad when it is finished now as I hate half done projects hanging around. I am really ready to now get myself into new projects and stretch my skills.

Anyway I started with no clue where this post was going and have managed to ramble on forever!

Dembe has changed locations

He likes it so he knows exactly where I am in the house at all times.

I think this year I have learnt, a lot and we are only in August. My heart has hurt more than I ever thought possible without keeling over and dying. I have learnt in the depths of grief you are still able to love unconditionally and you must never feel guilty for that. I have also learnt that the majority of people run away from grief and think that is acceptable behaviour. Despite all this I have come back stronger, love another dog more than I ever thought possible but when you have this gorgeous mutt in your life how could you not?

And yes he is holding my thumb in his mouth!

This is the year that nearly broke me, the year that changed everything and has just proved to me I am a survivor.

Scrap Busting

Around two weeks ago I stumbled upon a sewing challenge on social media and thought why not. Up until now I have always been too scared to join in with sew along projects, as I never felt that my work was good enough or that I had enough experience. However with this challenge as it was using scraps of fabric cut into 2 inch wide strips or 1 inch wide strips, I felt that I wouldn’t be under any pressure to be an expert quilter. 

I was in a bit of a panic though as I had joined two weeks after the challenge had started and members of the group were already sewing their strips together or had finished sewing them. I joined late on a Friday night, as I had been unable to sleep I had been on social media, when a video from Sugar Bowl Crafts  popped up. I watched it and thought that looks fun and it was promising a quilt made in record time. 

For the uninitiated a sew along is a just a fun thing to do, completely voluntary and you either are sewing part of a project that will be sent off and joined up with everyone else’s or a project for you to complete at home. Some sew alongs require you to buy kits or set fabrics, others you get to choose your own. I liked this one as it is using scraps and I have been on a bit of a fabric buying ban because I am drowning in fabrics. Some I have bought and others I have been given. I always keep my scraps as I hate the thought of spending money on fabric and then not getting the maximum use out of it. I have scraps stored in 3 different locations and it was starting to feel overwhelming so the idea of a scrap-busting quilt really appealed to me.

I recently made a quilt for Mr Myasthenia Kid, using some charm squares ( these are 5 inch squares of fabric you buy pre-cut). He has wanted a quilt for ages and I kept promising him I would make one. But I never seemed to find the time. Since getting the embroidery machine and the dogs passing away at the start of the year, sewing had taken a back seat. I had lost my sewjo, I had done quite a bit of machine embroidery but actual sewing not much. As I was making Jay’s quilt the love for sewing came back, I was planning on starting the Anna Maria Horner quilt kit I bought last year but have been terrified to start it in case I messed it up. Plus it is a huge quilt almost king sized and my largest quilt that I have made hasn’t even been half that size. So this sew along was also a chance to put together a large quilt – my largest yet. So it was a win win on all fronts.

Jay’s quilt.

The quilting on this quilt took over 4 hours and I lost two needles in the process. I am so pleased with it though as nothing was bought to make it. It was all made with items I already had in the house.

The sew along quilt’s design was random strips of 2 inch wide fabric joined together (or you can do one inch wide). My first job was to go through my scraps and pull out the fabrics I wanted to use and sort them into colours. Each piece of fabric tells a story as I can remember where it came from and what project it was used on. I had 4 charm squares left from Jay’s quilt above, fabric left over from the lap quilt I made my mum for her birthday last year. Point to any of my fabric strips and I can tell you if it was gifted, came in a subscription box or if I bought it. I love that about this quilt it makes it highly sentimental and it is like my sewing journey in one quilt. 

I thought the sorting and prepping of the fabric would be a quick process. I hate this bit of any project, I loathe cutting stuff out. I am the worlds slowest and you can guarantee I will mess it up due to my poor maths skills (why thanks Dyscalculia ). I have a creative grids stripology ruler which has been a godsend. It has cutting channels on it every inch and half inch, so you can cut across the entire width of the fabric and know that the width will be correct…..as long as you chose the correct cutting channel. Eventually after several sessions over a few days I was in a position to start sewing the fabric into long strips.

I sorted the fabrics into colour groups. Group 1. Red / pink / orange, Group 2. Blues / purples, Group 3. Yellow/ cream / white, Group 4. Green,Group 5. Grey / black / purple grey. Within those groups I put all the same fabric together and put them into piles (pinning them) that way when I sewed the fabric strips together to make my large strips I could choose fabric from a pile ensuring I didn’t have to worry about sewing the same fabric together next to each other. It did sort of remove the randomness, rather than taking a chance and sticking my hand into the bag and pulling out a strip to sew.

I also at the same time cut one inch strips, from the same scraps and sorted them the same way.

Once the different fabrics were sewn together ( as above), the metres ( and it was metres) of fabric were then cut into 10 inch strips. For the 1 inch strips once they have been joined together you cut them into 5 inch strips.  The next part is to then sew 6 ten inch strips together to make your 10 inch block. Here are the 60 blocks that I have sewn, just so you get an idea.

I find it amazing how different the blocks look from a distance and all together.

Here are the first 23 blocks that I laid out on the kitchen floor.

I had to get hubby to stand on a chair to take the photo for me. Over the next few days as and when I had the energy I would put together the remaining fabric strips and turn them into blocks. Until yesterday when I finally completed all the 10 inch blocks I intended to make.

I had to do the layout in two settings as there was no more floor space!

Here are the remaining blocks, being “lab” tested 😄😄😄

I love the layout that I have in the photos so I am contemplating sewing the blocks together like this after they have been trimmed to 9.5 inch blocks.

I am now starting on my one inch fabric strips, joining them together. So far I have done the greys/ blacks/ purples and I have also completed the blues. I have three more huge bags of one inch strips to join together before I then cut them into 5 inch strips and turn them into blocks the same way the 2 inch strips were. I intend to use the 5 inch blocks as a border around the quilt – which is different to the sew along border but I like being different. I have no idea how huge this quilt will turn out but hubby is already making noises about it being on the 3 seater leather sofa as it combines all the fabrics that we have in the lounge along with many more!

I have really enjoyed working on this but my old injury / problem has come back. My nerve has become trapped in my neck again and is leaving my hand and forearm (left side) with pins and needles / numbness. It is just as well that I haven’t spent any money on the quilt as I have had to book in with my private physio again which costs £45 for 30 minutes. She is ace but on a limited budget it’s a lot of money to find in one go. So I am having to set a timer when I work and do 15 minutes, have a break and then do 15 minutes. I will be seeing her a week Tuesday.

It isn’t just sewing that is triggering the trapped nerve but any movement at all that involves my arm. Even using the chromebook or taking a drink is enough to have the cold pins and needles feeling start. It is highly irritating as it means I am severely limited in the amount of time I can spend doing the stuff I love. I am hoping the physio can get the blasted thing untrapped and me more comfortable again.

I will be sure to update you all with my scrap busting quilt progress.

Miserable ….you fill in the blanks

On Tuesday 16th July I went to my doctors appointment. As I can’t get to these things alone due to my mobility issues and no longer having a driving licence, Jay and Dembe ( who is training to be my assistance dog) came with me. I had the doctors appointment as I have a lump at the front of my neck near my adams apple. It can’t be seen by the naked eye but can be felt. When I move my neck and head in certain positions I can feel the lump pressing on my esophagus so it was important that this was checked out. 

We managed to rock up about three minutes late due to an unexpected road closure. We had hoped to prk up outside but instead had to use the carpak across the road. This all added extra minutes that we didn’t have as Jay had to assemble my mobility scooter, get a parking ticket and get Dembe’s lead on. We had put Dembe’s high viz yellow coat on before we left the house. It says on the side of it “Assistance Dog in Training” and when he is “working” we put his coat on him so that members of the public are aware of what he is doing.

We managed to get into the doctors a little stressed due to being late. The main waiting room was practically empty it was as I was getting checked in that I was told my doctors room was at the end of the corridor. This was a major ballache as this waiting room is literally the width of a small houses landing or hallway. You can’t swing a cat in there. When we got there it was jammed and there were only two seats left. Dembe was a little perturbed that so many people were so close to him. He is used to be given space. It’s not that he won’t behave, it is just this was our first visit to the surgery with him and we were playing sardines. The doctors surgery was also unbearingly hot. If I am complaining of the heat it is boiling to a normal person.

Poor Dembe was panting away, he wasn’t unsettled but he was fidgeting a bit to get comfortable. We had a massive amount of treats and just practiced calm giving to get him to settle which he did. Considering he is just 8 months old today and this was his first visit he did well. Especially with it being so busy. There was no barking or crying despite the loud noises coming from the floor above. He really does know that when his coat goes on his behaviour has to change and it is wonderful to see. Many people in the waiting room were complimenting him on being so good for an obviously young dog. So what happened when we went into the doctors consultation room has really angered me.

The doctor made it clear from her facial expression she wasn’t happy that I had both my husband and my assistance dog with me. Jay sat across the other side of the room and kept Dembe occupied. Doing various exercises silently so he was totally focused on Jay. He was sat right in front of Jay, well out of the way of the doctor. The only noise he was making was panting. The doctor needed to examine me on the couch as I made my way across she piped up “Your dog is very hyperactive”. Had I not been in a doctors surgery I would have probably given her a gob-full. Instead I pointed out that he was just 8 months old, he was in training and that panting was not the sign of a hyperactive dog but a hot dog. Jay decided to take Dembe out of the room and walk him around outside the building, he was really angry with the doctor and didn’t want to end up saying something that could impact my treatment. I was so angry that this doctor that obviously knows fuck all about dogs was making snide comments about him. A dog that had done absolutely nothing wrong. I didn’t bother to speak much at all after that because I knew if I started I may have ended up having to look for a new doctors surgery. 

It seems that kids can wreck the joint at the doctors surgery, run around screaming, grab at people etc – all stuff I have witnessed. But a dog that is simply panting is hyperactive. Honestly the stupid cow should have seen him the first night of puppy training 7 weeks ago when he was play bowing, barking and generally being a dick – that is hyperactive. I would say if Dembe had been naughty or hadn’t behaved as he should. I am not an idiot. The whole reason we are doing all these training courses is to ensure he conducts himself well when working / out in public. So for an uneducated, miserable cow of a doctor to say he was misbehaving by snidely saying that he was hyperactive is bang out of fucking order. It’s been 10 hours since the appointment and I am still fucking seething about it.

 I have seen some crap doctors in my time but she took the biscuit and it wasn’t just the issue with Dembe. I also told her about my dry eyes and the fact they are drying out at night causing abrasions on my cornea. She said she would prescribe me something for my eyes. I told her I needed something at night as that was when the damage is occurring. My eyes are very dry during the day as the Hyloforte drops are only providing about 20-30 minutes of relief at a time. But I need something at night to stop my eyeballs sticking to my eyelids. She has totally ignored that and prescribed me drops for day time use. I give up, what part of the conversation didn’t she get. She didn’t even think it might be important for me to see an ophthalmologist to get my eyes checked. To see of we could get to the bottom of why my eyes are dry and what could be done about it. She has taken it into her head that I am allergic to liquid paraffin when I have used it in another eye ointment perfectly fine. I was so pissed off by this point other than repeatedly bang my head against the desk I had to just smile and breathe rather than tell her what a giant fucking cockwomble she was. I do try not to lay into doctors, its a thankless job, so many targets and patients to see. But of you aren’t going to fucking listen and then make pronouncements on my dogs behaviour despite clearly being no expert then I am afraid you deserve everything this post has coming for you.

As I left the doctors I had to book in blood tests ( check my thyroid) and the doctor is doing a referral for an ultrasound to check out this lump which she believes is a lymph node. I can tell you something for sure I will never be making another appointment with her again. The receptionist was really lovely and said what a lovely dog Dembe was and how well behaved he was. She wouldn’t have known what had gone on in the room as I was literally at the desk seconds after the appointment was over. As I looked out of the surgerys door I could see an old chap fussing Dembe and Dembe sitting there loving it. No barking, no crying just a well behaved, panting dog. That made me even more angry.

Jay said the old guy was talking to him for a while and made a massive fuss of Dembe. Dembe was a little scared at first but Jay passed the guy one of Dembe’s treats and he was won over immediately. He said it was so sweet. Jay said the guy was obviously quite lonely but because of the love he was showering Dembe with Jay just let him and was chatting away with him. Jay said after about Dembe that maybe we should get  him trained as a Pets As Therapy dog as he loves having attention and has such a loving nature. It’s definitely something we will consider in the future once we have his training mastered.

After the doctors we walked over to the mini Marks & Spencer as I had a delivery to pick up. As we walked through the door all the staff were smiling at Dembe. It is lovely when we take him anywhere with us in his assistance dog vets, people who have looked as miserable as sin just moments before just beam at him. I love the way this dog makes people smile …apart from you know who..Miserable…….you fill in the blanks.

Dembe was really well behaved in M&S and on the walk back to the car. To reward him this afternoon we took him up on Woodbury common and I accompanied them on my mobility scooter. So I will end this angry blog post with some beautiful photos of my hot dog, not hyperactive one. Stick to diagnosing people love, as animals are just not your forte.

The last one is Dembe working, wearing his assistance vest.

Thanks for reading!

Dry Eyes

I got diagnosed with dry eyes over ten years ago, it could have been 15 years ago, I just know Travis ( our first Weimaraner) was alive then. How I found out I had dry eyes was due to the fact a cigarette end had blown into my eye whilst we were in the car. The agony it caused I will never forget. I had a burn to my cornea and thankfully no lasting damage but a few weeks later my eyes were feeling very sore so I took myself off to the eye infirmary where I had a few tests and found out my eyes were incredibly dry.

On and off for years they have been treated ( very poorly) with the first line treatment for mild cases of dry eyes hypomellose. That treatment in all the years I have been taking it does nothing, the liquid evaporates off my eyeball in a matter of seconds and I am back to the sore, itchy burning feeling I basically put up with 24/7. On the odd occasion when I have made a fuss I am given lacrilube to use at night, which is alike vaseline for your eyeballs. It is fabulous stuff but it means you can see fuck all for hours once it has been applied so has to be done when you are certain you are going to sleep.

I have brought up with numerous doctors that my dry eyes were getting worse, that I am waking up with crusty eyes that then burn and sting for the rest of the day. For some reason I just haven’t pushed this and have allowed myself to be fobbed off with the excuse that it is my medication causing my dry eyes as if this is in some way my fault. I am now coming off all medication that causes dry eyes – even though I have been put on these after the diagnosis of dry eyes was given.

On Sunday morning I woke up with with my eyelid stuck to my eyeball. That is as grim as that sounds. Only I didn’t twig what was going on until after I rubbed my left eye and it felt like the top surface of my eyeball had been removed. The pain caused my eye to water profusely. I also worked out that this has been happening for months to a much lesser extent, I keep waking up with a searing pain in my eyes, my eyeball has been sticking to my eyelid.

I realised quite early on, that I had an abrasion on my cornea but I just didn’t want to have to go to the local minor injuries unit with the high probability that they would send me onto the eye infirmary. I foolishly thought how bad could it possibly get ? I decided that I would ignore it in the hope that the pain settled because ignoring it has always worked so well in the past. We decided that we would take Dembe up to the local supermarket to give him some experience of dealing with a shop environment, noise and large volumes of people. He handled it like a pro and we were both so proud of him.

He is walking like a dream and has stopped jumping up at me when I am on my scooter. He now sits beside me and waits for me to give him a cuddle.

My eye pain was ok as long as I was 100% distracted, so I threw myself into binding a quilt I had made for Jamie aka Mr Myasthenia Kid. I wanted to get it finished and he wanted it finished and on his bed! I managed to get that done but as soon as I finished and no longer had anything to distract me the eye pain ramped up by about 500.

I actually waited until Monday to take this photo.

We decided we would start watching season 3 of Stranger Things. I sat with a hot compress on my eye because my logic was the heat would help it as they advise a hot compress with dry eyes. I was kidding myself still that the eye pain was dry eye and would settle. I lasted 20 minutes until I asked Jay to take me to the local hospital where they had a minor injuries unit. I knew (well I hoped they still had it ) that they had all the kit for an eye exam, I kept my fingers crossed that they wouldn’t insist on sending me to the hospital and the eye infirmary. As I knew the wait would be horrendous and sitting up like that for several hours would knock me for six.

Jay dropped me at the eye infirmary and he took Dembe out for a walk. I am extremely grateful that I was seen within 20 minutes of arriving. It wasn’t busy but there were other people coming in with more serious issues than I had. I was ushered in but immediately told that they would only do a basic eye exam and then send me to the main hospital as I had Ehlers Danlos syndrome. I questioned this as I knew it was just an abrasion and no need for the trek to the hospital ( one I hate due to a couple of twatish doctors based there). I was informed as the eye is made up 100% of collagen they couldn’t mess about. I was shocked that this nurse was so on the ball with EDS. Normally they are clueless, not their fault if they have never come across it I must add.

I made a few grumbling noises along the lines of its just an abrasion there is nothing wrong with the rest of my eye and that sitting for hours up there would make me much sicker in the long run. I had an eye test which I think I did reasonably well or well enough to convince her I wasn’t in danger of losing my sight imminently. So she acquiesced and did a proper eye exam. The local anesthetic stang like hell, it felt like I had a million paper cuts on the surface of my eye and she had poured vinegar on it. Once the stinging wore off it provided me with a lot of relief as the pain was dulled massively. She had a look at the structure of my eye which was all sound. She then added the lovely yellow stain that they put in and immediately could see I had a superficial abrasion right across the centre of my eye. I hadn’t been able to pinpoint where the pain was coming from my eye hurt and hurt more every time I had to blink. It made sense that it was right across my eye.

Me when I got back from the minor injuries unit. I was given antibiotic ointment, as my eyes were so dry it would provide some relief as it has to be put in 4 times a day. I was made to promise that if it wasn’t any better the following day I had to head to the main hospital and get it checked out. Thankfully it was an awful lot better the following day.

I have an appointment with my gp next week that I had booked for another reason – which I will still be bringing up! By the time I go to my appointment the local injuries unit would have informed them that I had an abrasion on my cornea caused by my eyeball sticking to my eyelid and that my dry eyes need to be treated! However as it is more than a week away I have spent £30 on dry eye ointment for night time to keep my eyes moist and to prevent them sticking to my eyelids again and some much stronger eye drops that should provide more relief than the tap water ( sarcasm but that might as well be what it is) I have been prescribed up until now and that someone saw fit to remove from my repeat prescription list. 

My eyes are still quite uncomfortably dry, I am awaiting my delivery of the day time drops as nothing I have here if I wish to be able to see at all will provide any relief. When people say they have dry eyes unless you have experienced it you would never realise how bloody painful it can be.