Mish mash

I will admit I am pretty tired and have lost my mojo with the blog this week so I thought rather than post nothing at all, it will be a bit of a mish mash of lots of different things!

I had my physiotherapy treatment today, which consisted of deep tissue massage and ultrasound treatment. I am feeling very sore, nauseous and headache. Which is what always happens when my neck has been messed around with. I will feel better tomorrow but for now I feel like I have been through the 1600rpm spin cycle of my washing machine! The good news is that the pins and needles I have had in my left arm/ hand and shoulder has already improved significantly from this session earlier on today. I am booked in again for a treatment in September as my physio is away in August. Lucky for some. She is a miracle worker and I enjoy my sessions with her as we have long chats sometimes very in depth and emotional and sometimes fluffy. But it’s a good laugh even though the pain of being prodded makes me levitate above the bed sometimes. 

My neck muscles have become very tight again which is obviously the complete opposite of what EDS is supposed to do but we believe it is my bodies way of trying to keep my neck and head safe due to the lax muscles, ligaments and tendons. I hold all my tension in my neck and all my headaches come from my neck. It is a situation that has got worse over the last few years. At the moment I am resisting wearing a collar full time as whatever strength I do have in my neck will disappear completely. I am also aware that nothing touches the pain of a neck induced headache, well that isn’t strictly true as diazepam is the only thing that helps. But quite rightly the doctors don’t like prescribing that and I really can’t be bothered at the moment to go and beg. 

The other reason I won’t wear a collar full time is vanity, plain and simple. It makes my face look fat and it doesn’t need to look any fatter than it already is.

I promised a mish mash so here it is. Ages ago I wrote about my hirsutism, it initially started when I was put on steroids in 2008. I have always had a blonde moustache over my top lip but the steroids made the blonde hair thicker and much more noticeable to me.  I also grew more peach fuzz on the side of my face. Age and possibly being at the start of the menopause has given me a lovely crop of black hairs on my chin that like to go unnoticed until they are 2ft long or I have had the dentist / doctor / hairdresser / friends over. They only stop playing hide and seek about an hour after you’ve been at the dentist / doctor / hairdresser or had company. Despite the fact that you checked your known outcrop spots religiously using both natural daylight and the torch function of your mobile phone.

Over the years I have tried a variety of hair removal tools and they have all been crap. Hair removal cream results last for about 12 -24 hours until you can start feeling the regrowth. Plus I became allergic to them so whilst I would have a hair free top lip I would end up with a red raw line above my lip. I even ended up with chemical burns on one occasion so after that I haven’t used hair removal cream again. I have tried plucking but that is ridiculously time consuming. You also need very good eyesight and light to get a reasonable result. I then tried using Jay’s ear hair trimmer as it had a variety of different cutting heads. The problem was the hair would be back within a few days and feeling prickly because of the blunt ends caused by the cutting blades.

So a while ago I looked into waxing, I have no idea what prompted it. I use an epilator for my legs, so it probably came from that. I looked around on Amazon and came across the wax warmers, wax beans and all the bits you need to give yourself a wax treatment. I ordered all the kit and last week I started trying it out. I have found it remarkably easy and I don’t need really good eyesight to produce good results. I won’t lie the first time I did my top lip it made my eyes water but I was amazed at how much it took off. I bought some wax for sensitive skin and without colouring. As the wax was pale I could see all the hairs trapped in it, so despite my eyes watering I was pleased. 

After my first go it was clear I needed to work on my technique, so I watched several videos on YouTube. That has been a massive help, as with the wax beans you don’t use cotton / paper strips to stick to the wax, the wax sets firm enough that you just pull the wax strip off.  The real skill is creating a lip at the bottom of your wax strip so it make it easy to remove. I haven’t quite mastered that yet but I am getting there. I had another go before physiotherapy – that’s another occasion these hairs like to come out of their hiding places, this attempt went better. I think it is going to be one of those things that the more you practice the better your technique gets. The results have been really good and lasting much longer than any other hair removal technique I have tried.

Going off on another tangent, like I do. I have been managing to get out and about up on the common accompanying Jay and Dembe using my mobility scooter. With the weather being so dry the ground is nice and compacted making it must easier for the scooter to cope with being off road. Dembe gets really excited when I come out with them both for a walk. I have been managing to get out a couple of times a week.

 

Dembe is 8 and a half months old now and loves his walks. Although he doesn’t go as mental as the Weimaraners did. 

I  am still working on my quilt, I managed to square off all the blocks at the weekend and they are sat waiting to be sewn together. On Sunday I was on a local facebook group where people offer things to give away for nothing, in return the people that have stuff off the page must make food / toiletry donations to help those families in need locally. I spied some curtains that had been posted on the page before but no one had shown any interest. At the time I was drawn to the birds on the material. I thought I would be able to upcycle the fabric into bags or something. However when I got them home I realised how much I liked them and wanted to use them as lounge curtains. I had been looking to replace the curtains in the lounge for years but I had just never seen any curtains that I liked. 

The curtains needed some TLC, I don’t think they had seen the inside of a washing machine for many a year. They also had some holes in them where the fabric had become weak from being exposed to strong sunlight. What should have been a simple job turned into an all day event. I repaired the curtains in the space of an hour but found that they were too short for my window. So I ripped open the bottom seam as I could feel there was extra material contained in the seams. I only needed 4 inches at a pinch 3 would do. As luck would have it one curtain contained 17 inches and the other 15 inches. The lining had also been folded up. I was worried as these curtains were very old that the fabric that had been tucked away in the seam maybe brighter than the fabric that had been exposed to the sunlight but there was no discernible difference between them. I altered the curtains and the lining and now have a wonderful set of curtains for the lounge.

The fabric design is called Spice Island and was produced from the 1960’s until the 1980’s. It was sold in the UK department store called John Lewis and the designers name was Pat Albeck. You can find out more about her here – https://www.theguardian.com/artanddesign/2017/sep/15/pat-albeck-obituary

Quite spookily she was Emma Bridgewater’s mother in law. For those of you who follow my blog you will know that I collect Emma Bridgewater pottery. So it seems apt that I have the Spice Island designed curtains in the same room as the majority of my pottery collection.

I am so pleased with the job I have done on the curtains as I have never done them before due to the worry about having to be 100% accurate – not something I am brilliant at when it comes to straight lines. Mr Myasthenia Kid loves the curtains to, it was his idea that we have them ourselves instead of me cutting them up and using them to make bags.

Anyway like I said this week is an utter mish mash of stuff. I hope you have enjoyed the many tangents I have gone off on! 

See you next week.

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Miserable ….you fill in the blanks

On Tuesday 16th July I went to my doctors appointment. As I can’t get to these things alone due to my mobility issues and no longer having a driving licence, Jay and Dembe ( who is training to be my assistance dog) came with me. I had the doctors appointment as I have a lump at the front of my neck near my adams apple. It can’t be seen by the naked eye but can be felt. When I move my neck and head in certain positions I can feel the lump pressing on my esophagus so it was important that this was checked out. 

We managed to rock up about three minutes late due to an unexpected road closure. We had hoped to prk up outside but instead had to use the carpak across the road. This all added extra minutes that we didn’t have as Jay had to assemble my mobility scooter, get a parking ticket and get Dembe’s lead on. We had put Dembe’s high viz yellow coat on before we left the house. It says on the side of it “Assistance Dog in Training” and when he is “working” we put his coat on him so that members of the public are aware of what he is doing.

We managed to get into the doctors a little stressed due to being late. The main waiting room was practically empty it was as I was getting checked in that I was told my doctors room was at the end of the corridor. This was a major ballache as this waiting room is literally the width of a small houses landing or hallway. You can’t swing a cat in there. When we got there it was jammed and there were only two seats left. Dembe was a little perturbed that so many people were so close to him. He is used to be given space. It’s not that he won’t behave, it is just this was our first visit to the surgery with him and we were playing sardines. The doctors surgery was also unbearingly hot. If I am complaining of the heat it is boiling to a normal person.

Poor Dembe was panting away, he wasn’t unsettled but he was fidgeting a bit to get comfortable. We had a massive amount of treats and just practiced calm giving to get him to settle which he did. Considering he is just 8 months old today and this was his first visit he did well. Especially with it being so busy. There was no barking or crying despite the loud noises coming from the floor above. He really does know that when his coat goes on his behaviour has to change and it is wonderful to see. Many people in the waiting room were complimenting him on being so good for an obviously young dog. So what happened when we went into the doctors consultation room has really angered me.

The doctor made it clear from her facial expression she wasn’t happy that I had both my husband and my assistance dog with me. Jay sat across the other side of the room and kept Dembe occupied. Doing various exercises silently so he was totally focused on Jay. He was sat right in front of Jay, well out of the way of the doctor. The only noise he was making was panting. The doctor needed to examine me on the couch as I made my way across she piped up “Your dog is very hyperactive”. Had I not been in a doctors surgery I would have probably given her a gob-full. Instead I pointed out that he was just 8 months old, he was in training and that panting was not the sign of a hyperactive dog but a hot dog. Jay decided to take Dembe out of the room and walk him around outside the building, he was really angry with the doctor and didn’t want to end up saying something that could impact my treatment. I was so angry that this doctor that obviously knows fuck all about dogs was making snide comments about him. A dog that had done absolutely nothing wrong. I didn’t bother to speak much at all after that because I knew if I started I may have ended up having to look for a new doctors surgery. 

It seems that kids can wreck the joint at the doctors surgery, run around screaming, grab at people etc – all stuff I have witnessed. But a dog that is simply panting is hyperactive. Honestly the stupid cow should have seen him the first night of puppy training 7 weeks ago when he was play bowing, barking and generally being a dick – that is hyperactive. I would say if Dembe had been naughty or hadn’t behaved as he should. I am not an idiot. The whole reason we are doing all these training courses is to ensure he conducts himself well when working / out in public. So for an uneducated, miserable cow of a doctor to say he was misbehaving by snidely saying that he was hyperactive is bang out of fucking order. It’s been 10 hours since the appointment and I am still fucking seething about it.

 I have seen some crap doctors in my time but she took the biscuit and it wasn’t just the issue with Dembe. I also told her about my dry eyes and the fact they are drying out at night causing abrasions on my cornea. She said she would prescribe me something for my eyes. I told her I needed something at night as that was when the damage is occurring. My eyes are very dry during the day as the Hyloforte drops are only providing about 20-30 minutes of relief at a time. But I need something at night to stop my eyeballs sticking to my eyelids. She has totally ignored that and prescribed me drops for day time use. I give up, what part of the conversation didn’t she get. She didn’t even think it might be important for me to see an ophthalmologist to get my eyes checked. To see of we could get to the bottom of why my eyes are dry and what could be done about it. She has taken it into her head that I am allergic to liquid paraffin when I have used it in another eye ointment perfectly fine. I was so pissed off by this point other than repeatedly bang my head against the desk I had to just smile and breathe rather than tell her what a giant fucking cockwomble she was. I do try not to lay into doctors, its a thankless job, so many targets and patients to see. But of you aren’t going to fucking listen and then make pronouncements on my dogs behaviour despite clearly being no expert then I am afraid you deserve everything this post has coming for you.

As I left the doctors I had to book in blood tests ( check my thyroid) and the doctor is doing a referral for an ultrasound to check out this lump which she believes is a lymph node. I can tell you something for sure I will never be making another appointment with her again. The receptionist was really lovely and said what a lovely dog Dembe was and how well behaved he was. She wouldn’t have known what had gone on in the room as I was literally at the desk seconds after the appointment was over. As I looked out of the surgerys door I could see an old chap fussing Dembe and Dembe sitting there loving it. No barking, no crying just a well behaved, panting dog. That made me even more angry.

Jay said the old guy was talking to him for a while and made a massive fuss of Dembe. Dembe was a little scared at first but Jay passed the guy one of Dembe’s treats and he was won over immediately. He said it was so sweet. Jay said the guy was obviously quite lonely but because of the love he was showering Dembe with Jay just let him and was chatting away with him. Jay said after about Dembe that maybe we should get  him trained as a Pets As Therapy dog as he loves having attention and has such a loving nature. It’s definitely something we will consider in the future once we have his training mastered.

After the doctors we walked over to the mini Marks & Spencer as I had a delivery to pick up. As we walked through the door all the staff were smiling at Dembe. It is lovely when we take him anywhere with us in his assistance dog vets, people who have looked as miserable as sin just moments before just beam at him. I love the way this dog makes people smile …apart from you know who..Miserable…….you fill in the blanks.

Dembe was really well behaved in M&S and on the walk back to the car. To reward him this afternoon we took him up on Woodbury common and I accompanied them on my mobility scooter. So I will end this angry blog post with some beautiful photos of my hot dog, not hyperactive one. Stick to diagnosing people love, as animals are just not your forte.

The last one is Dembe working, wearing his assistance vest.

Thanks for reading!

Dry Eyes

I got diagnosed with dry eyes over ten years ago, it could have been 15 years ago, I just know Travis ( our first Weimaraner) was alive then. How I found out I had dry eyes was due to the fact a cigarette end had blown into my eye whilst we were in the car. The agony it caused I will never forget. I had a burn to my cornea and thankfully no lasting damage but a few weeks later my eyes were feeling very sore so I took myself off to the eye infirmary where I had a few tests and found out my eyes were incredibly dry.

On and off for years they have been treated ( very poorly) with the first line treatment for mild cases of dry eyes hypomellose. That treatment in all the years I have been taking it does nothing, the liquid evaporates off my eyeball in a matter of seconds and I am back to the sore, itchy burning feeling I basically put up with 24/7. On the odd occasion when I have made a fuss I am given lacrilube to use at night, which is alike vaseline for your eyeballs. It is fabulous stuff but it means you can see fuck all for hours once it has been applied so has to be done when you are certain you are going to sleep.

I have brought up with numerous doctors that my dry eyes were getting worse, that I am waking up with crusty eyes that then burn and sting for the rest of the day. For some reason I just haven’t pushed this and have allowed myself to be fobbed off with the excuse that it is my medication causing my dry eyes as if this is in some way my fault. I am now coming off all medication that causes dry eyes – even though I have been put on these after the diagnosis of dry eyes was given.

On Sunday morning I woke up with with my eyelid stuck to my eyeball. That is as grim as that sounds. Only I didn’t twig what was going on until after I rubbed my left eye and it felt like the top surface of my eyeball had been removed. The pain caused my eye to water profusely. I also worked out that this has been happening for months to a much lesser extent, I keep waking up with a searing pain in my eyes, my eyeball has been sticking to my eyelid.

I realised quite early on, that I had an abrasion on my cornea but I just didn’t want to have to go to the local minor injuries unit with the high probability that they would send me onto the eye infirmary. I foolishly thought how bad could it possibly get ? I decided that I would ignore it in the hope that the pain settled because ignoring it has always worked so well in the past. We decided that we would take Dembe up to the local supermarket to give him some experience of dealing with a shop environment, noise and large volumes of people. He handled it like a pro and we were both so proud of him.

He is walking like a dream and has stopped jumping up at me when I am on my scooter. He now sits beside me and waits for me to give him a cuddle.

My eye pain was ok as long as I was 100% distracted, so I threw myself into binding a quilt I had made for Jamie aka Mr Myasthenia Kid. I wanted to get it finished and he wanted it finished and on his bed! I managed to get that done but as soon as I finished and no longer had anything to distract me the eye pain ramped up by about 500.

I actually waited until Monday to take this photo.

We decided we would start watching season 3 of Stranger Things. I sat with a hot compress on my eye because my logic was the heat would help it as they advise a hot compress with dry eyes. I was kidding myself still that the eye pain was dry eye and would settle. I lasted 20 minutes until I asked Jay to take me to the local hospital where they had a minor injuries unit. I knew (well I hoped they still had it ) that they had all the kit for an eye exam, I kept my fingers crossed that they wouldn’t insist on sending me to the hospital and the eye infirmary. As I knew the wait would be horrendous and sitting up like that for several hours would knock me for six.

Jay dropped me at the eye infirmary and he took Dembe out for a walk. I am extremely grateful that I was seen within 20 minutes of arriving. It wasn’t busy but there were other people coming in with more serious issues than I had. I was ushered in but immediately told that they would only do a basic eye exam and then send me to the main hospital as I had Ehlers Danlos syndrome. I questioned this as I knew it was just an abrasion and no need for the trek to the hospital ( one I hate due to a couple of twatish doctors based there). I was informed as the eye is made up 100% of collagen they couldn’t mess about. I was shocked that this nurse was so on the ball with EDS. Normally they are clueless, not their fault if they have never come across it I must add.

I made a few grumbling noises along the lines of its just an abrasion there is nothing wrong with the rest of my eye and that sitting for hours up there would make me much sicker in the long run. I had an eye test which I think I did reasonably well or well enough to convince her I wasn’t in danger of losing my sight imminently. So she acquiesced and did a proper eye exam. The local anesthetic stang like hell, it felt like I had a million paper cuts on the surface of my eye and she had poured vinegar on it. Once the stinging wore off it provided me with a lot of relief as the pain was dulled massively. She had a look at the structure of my eye which was all sound. She then added the lovely yellow stain that they put in and immediately could see I had a superficial abrasion right across the centre of my eye. I hadn’t been able to pinpoint where the pain was coming from my eye hurt and hurt more every time I had to blink. It made sense that it was right across my eye.

Me when I got back from the minor injuries unit. I was given antibiotic ointment, as my eyes were so dry it would provide some relief as it has to be put in 4 times a day. I was made to promise that if it wasn’t any better the following day I had to head to the main hospital and get it checked out. Thankfully it was an awful lot better the following day.

I have an appointment with my gp next week that I had booked for another reason – which I will still be bringing up! By the time I go to my appointment the local injuries unit would have informed them that I had an abrasion on my cornea caused by my eyeball sticking to my eyelid and that my dry eyes need to be treated! However as it is more than a week away I have spent £30 on dry eye ointment for night time to keep my eyes moist and to prevent them sticking to my eyelids again and some much stronger eye drops that should provide more relief than the tap water ( sarcasm but that might as well be what it is) I have been prescribed up until now and that someone saw fit to remove from my repeat prescription list. 

My eyes are still quite uncomfortably dry, I am awaiting my delivery of the day time drops as nothing I have here if I wish to be able to see at all will provide any relief. When people say they have dry eyes unless you have experienced it you would never realise how bloody painful it can be.

Adulting

Well it seems that the universe isn’t done with fraying my nerves. 24 hours after last week’s blog pots was published we found out that our car was in need of some expensive repairs. The repairs were going to cost more than the car was worth – just the cambelt change we had been advised would cost us £400 with the best case scenario. On top of that we needed to get the mid section of the exhaust repaired as Jay had gone over a stick or stone and that had removed the exhaust from its mountings. It is at times like this I really can’t abide this adulting shit. I wish sometimes that someone else would swoop in and fix it all but then that would mean I wasn’t an adult at all. At 45 I need to realise the days of someone swooping in have long gone.

Being nervous about my tooth extraction went out the window. Instead Jay and I had come to the realisation that as much as we loved the car we have that this was probably a slide into it becoming a money pit. With one of the hospital consultants I see an hours drive away we need a reliable car. Other than trips to the hospital we do very little mileage. But I can’t be sat at the side of the road waiting for the breakdown service. 

I did a quick search online – this has been how I have found the last two cars. I thought I had found something ideal a silver Peugeot 207 Estate. It looked in good nick, nothing on there was screaming out to me. So rang the garage and this is where its gets bizarre. This garage was advertising on several well known sites yet when the phone was answered it was answered with just a “hello” not a “Hello XXX garage”. Initially I thought I had dialled the wrong number, so I asked if I had rung the garage, to which there was a bit of a pause and the guy at the end of the phone said yes. I then proceeded to ask him if the car was still for sale and if it had a recent cambelt change, full service history. The answer I got was yes the car was still for sale but he didn’t know about the cambelt or where the paperwork for the car was. The bloke sounded strange but I put it down to maybe he just wasn’t the full shilling. I should have taken a breath and realised how dodgy this all sounded. I mean a garage who answer the phone without telling you the name of the business, a car for sale ( and they only had 4 advertised on all the sites) and he didn’t know where the paperwork was. However I was stressed, I wasn’t thinking straight and we needed a car. Jay was dispatched by Taxi to the garage.

Whilst Jay was on route something was nagging at me about the car – my brain had finally engaged. So I did a background check on the cars history. Its cost me 50p and I could look up 5 different cars should I want to. What I found out concerned me, the car had not been on the road since 2017 ( which would mean an 8 year old car in 2017 hadn’t been able to be sold). It had failed its 2017 MOT and the list of fails and advisories were shocking. Ok I admit I had to google what half of them meant but even I knew a sub-frame failure wasn’t good. I messaged Jay and told him to come back. He messaged me back saying they hadn’t been able to find the garage – another bizarre thing, as the guy on the phone had told me the full address was on the website. However Google Maps had never heard of this garage. Thirty quid lighter and very stressed Jay got home with a migraine. He had to sit outside in the cold for a while, whilst I got him some pain killers and anti-sickness medication. He really did look rough.

So back to the computer I went, our options were being dictated by what was nearby and what boot size the car was as I have a mobility scooter and a wheelchair that I need to be able to put in the back. Most cars other than estates and people carriers just don’t have that kind of space. Just when I was about to cry with frustration I discovered a small garage 12 miles away that had a Renault Grande Scenic for sale, this was the next model up from what we currently drive so we knew the boot space was going to be ideal. I showed Jay the photos and I then rang the garage. This time I was told the name of the place I was ringing, which was a good sign! I then had a chat about the car and asked if the cambelt had been changed. The guy said no but it would be changed before we bought it. 

I did another background check it was 22 days without an MOT and probably about the same for car tax. I looked through its MOT history it had passed it’s last MOT with no advisories ( for those of you in the USA etc who are unfamiliar with the UK system cars have to be checked every year by a garage after they are 3 years old. This is to check it is safe and its emissions are compliant with the law. Advisories are things the garage notes that tells you although it didn’t fail the MOT on those points they will need repairs before your next MOT.) It had failed MOT’s in the past but all the work needed to ensure it passed and all the advisories had also been addressed. 

The problem was we had been advised that our Cambelt could go at any moment and we were only using the car now for essential travel. Where we needed to go was out in farming country and was down tiny single track roads. Should the Cambelt go out there we would effectively be up a certain creek without a certain paddle. Thankfully my parents had text me to let me know that they were up at their caravan ( about 3 miles away from us) so I rang them and explained the problem. They came to the rescue with my dad taking us over to the garage to have a look at the car. We took Dembe with us and he was such a good boy, as he isn’t brilliant in the car as he can whine a bit but he barely made a sound.

As we pulled up the the garage I could see that the owner had pulled the car out onto the tiny forecourt for us. Believe me I have travelled an hour to see a car at a garage in the past and found it at the back of the lot hemmed in by other cars despite them knowing we wanted a test drive! So that was another tick in the box. We had a look at the car, it was perfect for us. The boot was enormous and technically it is a 7 seater as there are two folded down seats ( completely flat ) in the boot. The car is big enough to take Dembe’s crate and my mobility scooter un-assembled. My mobility scooter comes apart so it can fit in the boot of a car. 

As we were happy with the car the deposit was paid and now we play the waiting game. The car needs an MOT and whatever work needs done for it to pass, if it needs any. It will be having a full service, the cambelt changed and the rear drivers side passenger window fixed. It’s an electric window which isn’t working, not that we open the rear windows with Dembe in the back. 

I am now going stir crazy as although Jay is still using our current car to take Dembe up to the common for his walks, I am not going with him as if the car breaks down I can’t walk home. I don’t have the ability or strength to walk should that happen. So I am currently going stir crazy as I haven’t left the house since Friday afternoon. Normally I go out of the house in the car about 5 times a week. That drive out onto the common, even though I just sit in the car, keeps me sane. It gives me something different to look at. I am at the point now where I just can’t wait to get outside. Of course this week I had a load of appointments my hospital appointment was booked for tomorrow so that has been cancelled. I was supposed to be at physio today but again its been cancelled due to not wanting to drive the car that far. The only appointment that is still going ahead as planned is my dentist appointment Friday for my tooth extraction. If we don’t have our new ( 2nd hand car) here by then I will take a taxi. 

Whilst sorting out the replacement car I ignored the fact that I had a UTI brewing, which caused me loads of pain over the weekend and I am only just feeling back to normal now. Thankfully I already had antibiotics in the house so as soon as I realised it wasn’t just an irritated bladder I started taking them. So Saturday afternoon I ended up having to go to bed as I felt so ill.

So we are on the countdown now to getting the car, I just can’t wait to get outside and see something other than my home and the garden!

what’s a cambelt?

Sh*t

My fear of the dentist has become sort of legendary on the pages of this blog. It’s now no longer a fear `but has evolved into a phobia, which would be fine were it not for the fact that I can see in my future lots of dental work being needed. Which fills me with dread.

The phobia really took hold last year, I was sat in the waiting room and I could hear the sound of a dentists drill going in one of the consultation rooms. As I heard the drill sick reached the back of my throat and I started to sweat. I felt incredibly light headed and I had to fight the urge of just getting the hell out of there…if indeed my legs would have worked. 

I have never had a very good relationship with dentistry. I have a high pain threshold everywhere apart from my mouth. I am incredibly sensitive even a dentists tool checking my teeth can trigger sharp nerve pain. I often wonder if I have more nerves in my gob than the average human being? I also wonder if it is because you are so vulnerable lying their unable to move or communicate effectively that my fear or phobia has now taken grip. Pain happens at every dentist visit, even check ups. My reaction gets the same response from whatever dentist I see, they simply don’t believe that their action has caused me pain or discomfort. To be constantly told that your pain isn’t real by the people who you are supposed to put your trust in just erodes it over time. I’d love to say that as I have got older my visits to the dentist have got better…they haven’t and now a week Friday I will be going for my first extraction since 2003.

Last year in May I was told I needed a filling. Instead of stopping there my dentist in his friendly way that he was probably taught at university as a way to talk to patients then gave me every minute detail of what he would do to fill the tooth. You see the tooth was decayed beyond saving. He would remove all the pulp you know the bit where the nerve sits, clean it out and then fill the tooth. Panic coursed through me as he continued to give me every last detail. You see for this patient the more technical detail I know the worse it is. My heart rate his risen just typing this, even though I know that he won’t be doing this to my tooth next week. Remembering the appointment still fills me with horror.

I duly made an appointment and the earliest I could get was July. Which was crap because it meant I had a two month wait in which to build to complete hysterics. I was all set for July 12th and then the week before the appointment the dental surgery rang and cancelled. My head was all over the place as that was the same week my mum had been told she had cancer but what type and how bad wouldn’t be known until she was operated on. They offered me an alternative date but we had visitors coming so I said I would ring them back and make an appointment. I never did.

I won’t lie it was easier just to forget about the dentist than deal with it and just get it done. That is when I knew that my fear had turned to a phobia because rational sensible Rachel should have taken over and just bit the bullet and got the filling done. Instead I have endured a year of toothache on and off and the fear of developing an abscess.

When my husband had a phone call to prompt him to book an appointment I asked him to book mine as well. I didn’t want to go but the pain in my tooth was becoming more severe. I’d rather go and get the tooth pulled than wait to get an abscess ( I’ve had an abscess before it took three months to sort out as I developed a dry socket). A dry socket is agony but that is still preferable to me than hearing the drill go whilst it is inside my mouth.

So yesterday despite the mounting panic rising within me I went to the dentist. The dentist tried to tell me off about not coming back for the filling so I just told him my mum got diagnosed with cancer and that I just forgot. I didn’t forget I just chose not to remember. He shut right up and apologised. I then told him that the tooth that needed a filling now needed to be removed and that I wasn’t taking no for an answer. He tried to tell me that he wouldn’t remove the tooth if it didn’t need to be taken out. So I told him either he did it or someone else would. He was quite shocked as normally I am really polite and don’t say boo to a goose – always being terrified that being rude would cause more pain. I explained the tooth had been giving me toothache at a low level for months and that I just wanted it out. It is right at the back of my mouth and its being missing will make no difference cosmetically. He said he would take a look. So with my heart beating out of my chest he lowered the chair.

He took a look at it and asked me again if I wanted it removed to which I said yes. He informed me that the tooth was now fractured right down the middle. There is very little left of my actual tooth as it is being held together with a filling. He said due to the state of it he would remove it for me but he would need to keep an eye on the tooth in front of it as that had developed some decay and would need a small filling. I immediately jumped in and told him I didn’t want any detail. Small filling fine I can live with that. I just don’t need to know what that entails.

I was quite surprised during the appointment to find out I still have a fully erupted wisdom tooth. I was under the impression that they had all gone when I was a teenager as I had a few removed due to them trapping a small piece of gum between the wisdom tooth and the next tooth as they erupted. That piece of gum would then balloon forming like a pink bubble that would then cause horrendous pain. So all my previous wisdom teeth had been removed at the dentist. He explained that the wisdom tooth was showing signs of decay and due to its position it would be nigh on impossible to put a filling in. This again would need to be watched as it would need to be extracted. I don’t know if he means by him or if he meant I will need to have to have it done at the hospital. News to me anyway that I have an erupted wisdom tooth.

I was in and out on that appointment, I booked next weeks appointment and then went out into the fresh air. My legs had turned to jelly and I felt pretty close to passing out. Which isn’t nice when you are alone and waiting for hubby to get the car. I thought ( I don’t know why) they had a bench outside and was going to park myself on that. They didn’t so I had to balance myself against a wall in such a way that if I did pass out there would be minimal damage to me.

Two hours later and my legs were still jelly and I was still feeling like I was going to vomit. Just from the feeling of panic that a visit to the dentist will produce. Jay kept telling me how brave I had been to attend when I hate it so much and for stating my case for getting the tooth pulled. I didn’t feel brave I felt awful. Its a difficult feeling to describe. You know logically the fear and how it controls you is out of proportion to the event but you can’t help it. There is no logic to it and it isn’t a case of talking yourself down. For me it is a whole body reaction, I feel faint, I feel like I am going to be sick, I find it difficult to speak, my legs turn to jelly and feel like they will crumple under me at any moment. The whole time my brain is screaming “Shit get out of here”. My heart rate well is probably close to the 200’s the way my chest feels and all the while my exterior maybe cool and showing none of the inner turmoil / fear that I am feeling.

Maybe that is the problem? It seems no matter how many times I tell people I am terrified of the dentist, it is dismissed with “well nobody likes the dentist”. But it is just so much more than that. I will be honest last week when my tooth was really sore I contemplated going to the kitchen shit drawer getting a pair of pliers and removing my own tooth. Just so I could avoid going to the dentist. If you think that is normal behaviour for someone who doesn’t like the dentist… then you have a screw loose.

My gp tried to help and told me there was CBT online courses I could try to get over my phobia / fear. I told her I was sure there was but when your own dentist fails to appreciate how much going to see him fucks you up then me doing all that work is pointless. It’s not like I can up and change dentists any time I like it took us years to get an NHS dentist when we moved here. Many of them now have closed lists. So it simply isn’t a case of moving and finding a more sympathetic one. However Jay spoke to his dentist that morning and she said she would accept me onto her list if I wanted to move. I am giving my dentist one last chance. If he blows it this time I will be taking her up on the offer of moving within the practice.

Post Easter Vibe

Well as usual when there is any disruption to my routine I am really thrown. Like I have said before and in the blog post Upheaval I don’t do well with change. Easter always throws me out as do any bank holidays, it can leave me unsure of what the day is for a week or so. I know it’s not just me everyone is thrown when there routine is altered. So for this week I thought I would just update you all on the sewing and embroidery projects I have been working on recently.

I have been making a lot of cushions. I like making cushions as it combines using my embroidery machine, sewing machine and overlocker. I have also been using my embroidery machine to embroider motifs onto sweatshirts. However my latest make only used my sewing machine and it was nice to get back to basics. I made some bunting, 10 metres of the stuff to go in the garden once the revamp is finished. (currently being held up waiting for various different parts to arrive)

The bunting has been made out of various scraps of material I have had lying around for a while and some fat quarters that I didn’t know what to do with. I can’t wait to have it hung in the garden this summer. It’s the first time I have made bunting and I am very pleased with it. I don’t know why I haven’t made it before.

I really love using my embroidery machine, it gives me another way to express my creativity and also make items that are personal to the gift recipient. I am in a cushion making phase at the moment, which I really enjoy because it uses so many skills. Here are just some of the ones I have made in the last few months.

I love the ones with the Deer on they are my favourite. I also really love the Llama one and the Lion head. Embroidery always cheers me up when I am feeling low, it’s been really hard since Molly and Frankie passed away, even though I have Dembe it’s not the same. I wouldn’t be without him and he is enormous fun but it is a massive change to my routine with him being a puppy.

I have also really enjoyed learning how to embroider sweatshirts. I buy plain £10  unisex sweatshirts and then embroider a nice design on them. It has been a case of trial and error getting the stabilisation right on these. I am much happier with the last three I have done, although I still wear the other two that I did before Christmas.

What is even better with this design was that it was free one month. I am also starting to now get adventurous and changing up the colours from those that my embroidery machine says to do it in. It is important when you do that to write down what colour you are using instead of the one listed on the screen or you can get yourself into a bit of a pickle.

 

I wear this sweatshirt a lot as it is totally me. Whenever I am stressed or anxious I try to sew as it keeps me focused on the task at hand rather than worrying about something I have no control over.

 This is a terrible photo but this is my favourite design that I have embroidered onto a sweatshirt I call it Chinese Chrysanthemums. I bought this sweatshirt especially to embroider this design onto it as I felt it was so dramatic it needed the black background to really pop.

What I love about embroidering clothing is that by changing the colours, placement etc you end up with a totally unique piece of clothing. I am going to try some more embroidering onto t-shirts for the summer. I will use a few of my old t-shirts to practice on to ensure I have the level of stabilisation right so there is no puckering or distortion of the design.

I think I love my embroidery machine ( like I love my sewing machine ) because I have to use the old grey matter and solve problems. It was nice making the bunting recently as it was going back to basics and just doing something that wasn’t too taxing but still needed thought about. 

I also made a peg bag recently, which has made me chuckle as it is like I am doing my sewing journey in reverse. Last year I was making quilts and bags, designing my own patterns etc this year I have made some bunting and now a peg bag. Both though are good basics to master. The peg bag I made my own hanger from wire as I didn’t have a small enough hanger and then made my own pattern. I used remnants from another project to make the bag. Now I can’t wait for my washing line to be back up ( once the garden is sorted ) so that I can see my peg bag in use.

I like using my sewing skills not just to make decorative items and gifts but to also solve problems. So recently I have made us a beautiful front net ( type ) curtain from a Broiderie Anglaise panel I was given. It is brilliant as it stops the light glaring onto the TV during the day but doesn’t impact the light levels in the house. It also provides us with some much-needed privacy. It looks really nice from outside the house as well. The problem with our lounge window is that it is south-facing so we end up with the light streaming in which is lovely but can also mean you end up all summer long having the curtains closed whenever you want to watch the TV. With the panel being denser than net it gives us privacy which we both value (I know that may sound odd from someone who writes a blog). It’s also had the added bonus of stopping Dembe looking at the window and barking at everyone who walks past! 

Dembe

Those of you who have been following my blog for a while will know that sadly I lost, well we lost our beautiful Weimaraners 7 days apart at the end of last year beginning of this year. I let you know that we had also got ourselves a beautiful yellow Labrador ( he has a bit of fox red in him as well). I haven’t really spoken about him much here, not because he is some state secret but because mainly my blog has always been about the Weimaraners and because our lives have changed so completely with losing them and having Dembe.

 Mollie

 Frankie

Willow

Our lives have always revolved around our dogs and they always will. With the Weimaraners our lives were quite restricted, when left they would destroy our home ( chewing furniture, banisters, carpets basically anything they could get their teeth into) and sing to the neighbours. It meant if they were ever left we would have to pay for a dog sitter or beg friends to come and sit with them. They were fine as long as they had someone with them they just had awful separation anxiety when left alone. We could have taken the easy way out and given them up / rehomed them. If you ever look on websites for dogs you will always find Weimaraners on there 6 months to a year old who are being rehomed because they can’t be left alone without causing damage or noise. It breaks my heart. 

We decided as that as we had wanted them we would have to adjust our lives accordingly. It meant no going out together as one of us would have to stay home, ( they also destroyed the car if left in that with Willow eating the handbrake one day!). They dominated our lives for 15 years but although it may seem like a huge hardship they gave us so much love and so much companionship for me I never saw it as a hardship. We loved them dearly and due to that love we were prepared to put our lives effectively on hold for the time they were with us. Those years went past in the blink of an eye. The hardest part of those 15 years was some people just not understanding that our dogs would always come first and that we would miss events because of not being able to leave them. 

Now I am not slagging of the Weimaraners, a lot of their problems were caused by me and Jay. I fell ill 3 months after Frankie and Willow were born and due to the stress of me being ill and genuinely not being well enough their training was rubbish and so was their socialisation. They also got attacked several times when they were puppies by other dogs, so they became nervous aggressive. Walks became so stressful it was easier to walk them at 5am, which then became 4am which then became 3am. Jay would then be up for a few hours and then would go back to sleep getting up time would depend on whether he was working that day or not.  Evening walks would have to take place in dark on the common like the morning walks so that they wouldn’t bump into any other dogs. It was stressful, we were always worried about dog owners who had no control over their dogs who would let them get up in Frankies personal space despite us telling them he was nervous aggressive.

When Willow passed away in 2017 things got easier, mainly because there were only two dogs to control and the fact that she would whip the others up into a frenzy. We missed her greatly but it would be a lie to say that things didn’t get easier. Frankie no longer reacted to dogs out on the walk, he stayed well clear of them but you no longer had to worry that he would get aggressive due to his fear. Mollie was always really good with all dogs and we never had any problems with her. 

With Dembe it has been a clean slate, training started from the minute he arrived home and has been consistent. We don’t get dictated to by him when he goes out for a walk, where as the Weims would start crying and pacing due to being creatures of habit. For Dembe we have deliberately kept his walks unscheduled, so he doesn’t know and therefore doesn’t start acting up demanding a walk. He fits in with us not us with him. We don’t love him any less or any more than the Weims, we just decided that we wanted some of our life back.

The change in both of us has been immense. Jay used to suffer terribly with fatigue, we put it down to his methotrexate for his psoriasis and the stress of looking after me and the dogs. In reality now we know that it was night after night of broken sleep. Being awake for a few hours in the middle of the night from 3am until 5am then going back to sleep was destroying him. He never wanted to do anything or go anywhere because he was always so exhausted. Who can blame him he was dealing with extreme sleep deprivation. What I haven’t said is that when he was on an early shift ( quite often he would have had a late finish the night before so he wouldn’t have gone to sleep much before 11pm) he would get up at 3am and that would be him up until he went to bed that evening. 

Jay is now up every morning by 7am, 7.30am at the very latest. If he is on a late night we get to do stuff all together before he goes to work at 12pm.  We have a cup of tea and have a chat and then we will take Dembe out. Depending on how I am feeling or where we are going means that sometimes I can join the boys using my mobility scooter. Dembe is limited at the moment as to how much exercise he can have so that we protect his joints . Currently he can have 20 mins a day in just over a weeks time he can go up to 25 minutes as it is 5 minutes for every month of his age. 

Jay and I would be lost without him but we have really struggled to accept over the last 10 weeks that he is actually ours. That probably seems a really weird thing to say but I think because he came into our lives during one of the most traumatic periods we have lived through, although we loved him immediately there was almost this feeling that he didn’t belong to us. I would forget he was in the house with me and he would bark and I would jump out of my skin. His care was never, ever compromised it was just we were overwhelmed with grief and all this love we had for this little ball of fluff. 

He seemed so very little when we first got him home at 8 weeks, despite the fact his weight has increased by at least 10 kg and he has got so much bigger he still seems very dinky to us. After having three huge Weimaraners for over a decade I am guessing anything would seem tiny.  He is a very affectionate dog, he loves cuddles and kissing. He really loves Jamie and they have a little routine that when Jay gets into the car he looks into the back and Dembe smothers him in kisses. For me Dembe is my little shadow, I can’t go anywhere without being followed. He has also started to pick up on when I am unwell and adjusts his behaviour accordingly. We are not at the stage yet where he will happily lie on the bed with me all day but he will snuggle up next to me on the sofa. When I had a migraine Sunday afternoon and went to bed at 6pm he came up with me and settled down with his head over my feet. Just like Frankie used to. He also likes sleeping curled up on the top corner of my pillow. He gives me a little kiss goodnight when The Archers theme tune comes on at the end of the programme and settles for the night.

Without him Jay and I would have fallen apart. We have both really struggled mentally and physically over the last three months. I finally have started feeling more like my old self again but I am very quick to tears. Anything about Rainbow Bridge and I am gone. If anyone posts that their dog or cat etc has passed away I break my heart. The pain is still very raw but I am able to function in the world where as initially I felt so disconnected and as if I was trying to work on autopilot. 

I have neglected a few friendships because I have just been overwhelmed by the grief of it all. I know some people just wont understand at all how you could be so upset by an animals death. Believe me you can. I wish every night the last image in my head wasn’t Frankie passing away or seeing Mollie unable to walk or lift her head due to the catastrophic stroke she suffered. I had to stop watching this weeks episode of the walking dead when the heads on spikes mouths were moving despite them being dead. Frankie’s mouth muscles twitched for the whole time I lay on the floor with him after he passed away. It was too much and sent me straight back into flash backs of losing him. I was quite proud of myself being able to write all this without sobbing but I have fucked that up now.  I hope some day those horrific images stop waking me from sleep and stop being the last images in my head before I fall asleep because I do know happiness despite being so sad.

Without Dembe I wouldn’t be here, it is as simple as that. I could not have carried on under that weight of grief. I am not saying that to be melodramatic but for a few days there I wanted to die myself. My heart hurt and no one except Jay understood what I was going through. I have never seen Jay look as ill as he did during those 6 days that we had no dog in the house. When Dembe came home the colour came back into his face and it forced us to start living again. He is our miracle boy and our saviour. Even when he is being a wee shitebag.

If you would like to find out more about Dembe he has his own blog at http://www.thedembediaries.com