Hoping for a quiet 2019

My last post was published on the 10th of January when I felt like my whole world had caved in. The last few weeks have been very hard, I miss Frankie and Mollie so much that my heart aches. There has not been a day that has gone by where I haven’t wept with the pain of losing them as suddenly as we did. To lose two dogs in 7 days is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. I wouldn’t have got through it without hubby by my side. In fact I would have probably given up completely had he not been here.

 
Due to the shock, upset, grief hubby has taken some time off work. He already suffers with anxiety and depression and to ensure he didn’t take a nose dive he saw the doctor and got himself signed off. He didn’t want to see anyone or talk to anyone. Losing Mollie hit him very hard as she was his dogs. Plus it was very traumatic for us over 24 hours where it became clear that she had suffered from a stroke and there would be no recovery from this. We nursed her overnight and made sure she wasn’t suffering. Right up until the end she only wanted her dad, whenever she was out of his sight she panicked. Jay stayed with her until the end as I had stayed with Frankie just the week before. To say our hearts were broken would have been an understatement.
 
I took a break from this blog as since the beginning back in 2008 the dogs have featured quite heavily in it. My Gravatar is me with Frankie, Frankie is the banner on WordPress, on Twitter his photo is my profile picture and its the same on Facebook. Although I have managed to change my about me pages on both blog platforms, I can’t remove his photo from any of my social media profile photos.  It feels like a huge chunk of my life has just vanished. Life as I knew it was taken away from me in the space of 7 days. I never knew I could feel so utterly broken by the passing of three dogs in just a little over the year.
 
For a few years Mr Myasthenia Kid and I had talked about what would happen when we no longer had any dogs. Initially we had said we would get a Labrador ( black) then we talked about a Beagle and also a Bracco Italiano. However for the last few months I had said I didn’t know if I wanted another dog, I knew losing our last two Weimaraners would hit me really badly and by getting another dog meant at some point in the future I would have to go through the pain of losing it all over again. Jay was not having any of it, he said that I was already completely socially isolated and without a dog I would have no company at all. He felt it would be very damaging to my mental health. He was right, as 7 days without a dog in the house were the worst thing ever. I missed everything about having a dog, the cuddles, the mess, the unconditional love, someone to have silly conversations with.
 
By the Sunday after Mollie’s passing we decided that we would get another dog and we started looking on-line for Labrador puppies. I had to give myself a crash course on Labrador’s having not ever owned one. I located several breeders who had litters on The Kennel Club Website. Luckily one lady immediately responded to my email and told us she had two male yellow labs for sale. Obviously we had originally said we wanted a black lab but by this point it didn’t matter what colour it was. We needed our house to feel like a home again, we were both distraught and sinking fast. We arranged to travel to see the 2 pups available the following day.
 
The rest is history, we now own a 9 week old Yellow Labrador called Dembe. We chose his name from the TV programme the blacklist, it means peace. Which you will probably agree we need by the bucket full. Dembe came home with us on Friday 11th January. You can read all about him   here as I have started his own blog for him. I will from time to time have photos of him on this blog but it is much easier to have all the news about him on a separate blog. Every Monday I will give a run down of what he has been up to the previous week. 
 
Some of you may be judging us, that we got a new dog too quickly or that we didn’t love our other dogs that much because we replaced them with Dembe. Dembe is not and has never been a replacement. He is an addition to our household. He is very much-loved for the dog he is and will become. Anyone who thinks any less of us for this can just fuck off as far as I am concerned, your opinion is of very little value to me.
 
So whilst I took a break from here, I have been setting up Dembe’s blog. I managed to keep writing which out of all the things I do creatively was the only thing that I could keep going. I hadn’t been able to sew since Mollie passed away. I managed on the 16th January after a break of nearly two weeks to sit and do a small piece of embroidery. Mainly to ensure that Dembe wasn’t scared of the noise the machine made. The only thing that has freaked him out so far has been the ironing board and it does the same to me if I am honest.
 
My health has been hit quite hard by the sudden turn of events. I have suffered vertigo, continuous headaches, back spasms, Eczema, migraines and ptosis. As usual it a few days after the event before I started to go down hill. Thankfully with Jay off work we have been able to manage Dembe’s care and socialisation process. To be honest without him I would have crawled into bed and never come out again. This little chap has saved us both. The lady that we are friendly with at the vets ( who had a soft spot for Frankie) called Dembe our miracle dog. She knew how much our lives focused on our dogs and also knew that without a dog in our life we would fall apart. 
 
So many people have told us that we have done exactly the right thing. It doesn’t mean that we loved our Weimaraners any less, it is because we loved them so much that we had all this love to give to another dog. 
 
Dembe has bonded with us both. He is such a happy, laid back dog. His tail wags continuously. Everyone who meets him falls in love with him. I thought at one point after Mollie had passed away that Jay looked like he was going to drop dead from a broken heart. He was just an ashen colour. I have seen Jay poorly many times but this was the worst I had seen him look for a long time. Since Dembe’s arrival he is looking so much better, we both feel like there is a future in front of us. In the immediate aftermath of losing both dogs it felt like we were staring into the abyss .
 
I am hoping that my health stabilises shortly, it is going to have to as Jay goes back to work from Monday 21st and it will just be me and Dembe. However Jay will be coming home at lunch times to help with feeding and toileting. He still has a few weeks until he will be able to go out for a walk. Whilst Jay is home though I am trying to take it as easy as possible. Jay has been doing everything for me as usual.
 
2018 ended in a way that I didn’t see coming and 2019 started in a way we never envisaged. All I can hope for is a quieter year for the rest of 2019.
 

 
 

 
I will never forget the love that these three beautiful loyal dogs gave me. Run free my darlings, we will miss you everyday for the rest of our lives.

Am I moaning?

I think I am going through what a lot of people with chronic illness / chronic pain go through where they wonder if they have turned into a bit of a moaner. Obviously a lot of us have pretty reasonable things to moan about but I am started to get paranoid that maybe I have crossed an invisible line from previously what was an acceptable level of moaning to an unacceptable level of moaning, for those whose lives aren’t blighted by chronic illness.

 

I usually say very little about my health on social media, its like my own dirty little secret that most days I am wracked with pain or have ptosis or feeling anxious or whatever the hell is going on that day. When I do post it’s usually because things are much worse than normal. I have posted a lot this summer about my health because things have been the worst they have been for a long time. The heat wave although helping my joint pain no end made my PoTs symptoms absolutely horrific. Every movement kicked off palpitations, my blood pressure was horrendously low in the 80/70 range most days. Leaving me feeling faint and exhausted. I could barely manage to walk some days. Many, many days were spent in bed feeling very sorry for myself. And do you know what? I get very angry  when I feel sorry for myself because I feel weak and vulnerable.

 

Regular readers will also know that my CSF Leak has come back, although it’s not at the level it was in 2016 I have had several days over the last few weeks where I have been unable to leave my bed because the pain is so intense. It makes me want to vomit. I described the pain to someone as feeling like both my eyeballs had been removed and dipped in acid then rammed back in the sockets. Whilst the back of my head feels like I am being beaten to death with a shovel. Now if you were experiencing those levels of pain do you not think, honestly that you may mention it once or twice? Or however many times that you want to. Because believe me when you are dealing with that kind of pain you just don’t care what people think.

 

Along with the pain the CSF leak brings I have also had some additional symptoms like vertigo that only goes away with lying flat. Losing my balance very easily and being unable to bend down / lean forward repeatedly as this is triggering the leak headache. As I say I am lucky it’s not as bad as it was in 2016 but it’s bad enough.

 

In the last few months I have also had my migraines return, I have ended up having to take amitriptyline every night as a migraine preventer. It’s kind of working since taking them at the start of July I have had one migraine. However my migraines have come back as if they are amped up on steroids, I have to lie in a darkened room, vomiting into my bedroom bin because I can’t get up.

 

Bizarrely I have also had my left big toe, nail fall off, out of nowhere. I had an intense amount of pain in my toe. It actually hurt to touch the nail. I lifted up the side of the nail ( I had both sides removed over ten years ago due to repeated ingrowing toenails) and the nail came off in my hand. It hurt but it didn’t hurt anywhere near as badly as it had done just before the nail came off.

 

Have I bored you yet? Because believe me I am bored with it. I feel like I am in a never-ending soap opera where shit keeps happening and I have no control over it. So yes I may have mentioned on social media a few times over the summer how fucking awful I am feeling and to be fair I haven’t even touched on about 50% of the health stuff that’s been going on of late. This is just the stuff I can think of off the top of my head.

 

Admitting you are sick on social media is a dangerous game, post happy cheerful stuff and you are judged to be not as sick as you make out. Post stuff about how fucking awful you feel and you’re moaning. You can’t win. I don’t want my life to revolve around my health conditions but there will be periods of time when it does because all I can do is just keep my head above water.  To feel that I can’t express what is going on in my life, when I can go weeks where the only person I see or talk to in the flesh is my husband, just seems cruel. It’s not that I want someone to talk to – and thank you to all those who have offered me a safe place to vent. It’s just sometimes even I don’t believe what is going on health wise. I don’t think I have ever been completely honest with anyone because there is always more than one thing going on with me. I always just give those closest to me the headline news not the full story.

 

Any way that’s me, I am bored with this subject already and if I am bored with it I have probably sent the rest of you to sleep also. Mr Myasthenia Kid has been on holiday the last two weeks ( well just over ). It’s the longest holiday he has taken in years. We’ve really enjoyed the time we have spent together. We’ve managed to work on a few projects together, which I first touched on in my blog post upcycling.

We had so much paint left that we decided to upcycle our lounge coffee table  taking it from this – those dots on it are from dog drool

To this

 

Jay did the lions share of work because I am just not physically able to. I did a small amount of painting, basically just catching the bits that he missed. We have painted the stripped pine with hard wax oil which means the wood is now water-resistant and has a lovely finish. It took several days to dry and for a while we were concerned that the top of the table felt very rough. However as the hard wax oil has dried its left a silky smooth surface.

 

Jamie’s work also got the thumbs up from John Scott and Jo Carter on the Sewing Quarter. I don’t think I have ever seen Jay so proud as when they both said how lovely the table looked. I am very proud of him as it was no mean feat sanding the table top down.

 

 

 

Not happy with doing  just the bedside cabinets, the lounge coffee table on bank holiday Monday 27th August 2018 he also painted our kitchen chairs. They look fabulous and make such a difference. And we still have paint left from the 750ml of Scotch Mist Frenchic Furniture paint.

 

I also got a shout out on the Sewing Quarter Saturday 25th August – cheers John xx

 

 

Lifes a bit shit at the moment

Life’s a bit shit at the moment, I find quite often it goes like that. You can be on top of the world one day and thanking your lucky stars about how sweet things are and then the universe finds out and pulls the rug out from underneath you.

 

I am normally quite honest with my readers but this is stuff I can’t and won’t discuss for the time being. Rest assured hubby and I are fine as are our babies ( Mollie and Frankie). Its stuff outside us our little bubble that is impacting us. Its having a massive impact on my mental health as in my anxiety has spiralled out of control again, I feel constantly that I am on the verge of a panic attack if I am not 100% distracted.

 

I hate holding stuff back as I like to think above all else I am honest with you but it’s not my story or my life. The people in my bigger circle deserve their privacy and I will always respect that.

 

On top of this the heat has suddenly got to me. I can’t move without palpitations, I am feeling faint and generally exhausted. I would be very happy for a few cooler days just to give my body a rest and get things on a more even keel.

 

Due to everything that is going on at the moment not a lot of sewing has taken place. I have lost a bit of my sewjo, I have managed to get three bags started for friends and hopefully they will be completed this week. I just need the space and time to be able to do this, thankfully they are all very understanding and know that I can’t work to tight deadlines as I never know when my health will let me down. The mind is willing the body says nah!

 

I have decided to name my little dog walking pouches The Travis Bag,  after our first Weimaraner, who brought such love and joy to our lives. He loved his walks so I think it’s apt that these bags are named after him.

 

I’m Fine

I’m fine seems to be the mantra I have adopted since becoming chronically sick with Ehlers Danlos Syndrome (EDS HT), Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (PoTs) and a Cerebrospinal Fluid Leak (CSF leak) which has occurred this year, to name just a few. It has become such an ingrained phrase in my vocabulary that I have uttered the words without thinking to a doctor after being blue lighted to hospital. I think it is some kind of self preservation mechanism as when you are chronically sick you soon realise that people really aren’t that interested in your latest symptoms. When asked you reply without thinking because you will do anything to move the conversation forward. In a complete contradiction to what many people seem to believe about those who are chronically sick, we don’t like the attention that our conditions bring, so by saying I’m fine we can stop the conversation in its tracks.

Being sick can turn you into a bit of a fib teller, who really wants to know that you have pissed yourself because your bladder decided to empty itself when you answered the front door? Maybe they’d like to know how my bowel stopped working for 48 hours and when I eventually went I blocked the toilet? R.I.P toilet brush, you put up a valiant fight, your efforts were not in vain. Being ill is not Hollywood glamorous, our bodies can quite frankly be disgusting in the symptoms they throw up (pun intended) so why would I want anyone but the closest people around me to know how I really am?

Many people I know with chronic conditions really downplay their symptoms even to other chronically sick friends. We are constantly aware that over sharing can cause not only disgust but the accusation of attention seeking. I am also aware that there are so many other people who are much sicker than I am, so I feel that I can’t speak up because it would make me look weak in front of my peers. So you end up in the ridiculous situation where no one is telling the truth about how bad things are until you hit rock bottom. And even then when destination rock bottom is reached, you fear the condemnation of others who don’t believe you or who simply disappear on you when you need them most.

In the last couple of years I have had to endure the experience of  disappearing friends when things have got tough. Being investigated for a possible tumour in your pituitary gland? Eat my dust. Got a confirmed CSF leak? I’m too busy to see you. Why would you put your head above the parapet and actually tell people that you aren’t fine when you are treated like that? So many of us have learnt the mantra of “I’m fine” that when things are truly awful, we can’t face telling people things are far from fine.

It has turned me into a bit of a liar where my health is concerned, there are very few people who know how I am on any given day and even then they will only get the edited highlights. However that can backfire as we are so focused on being fine that when we need to ask for help we can’t. I have a feeling of shame when I have to admit to myself or others that I can’t manage. A few months ago I asked my gp for a referral for an updated care plan in case of emergencies, if something happened to hubby as I couldn’t manage alone. His response was to give me a website to contact, when he had already been told that I couldn’t sit up and he was the one who diagnosed me with low pressure headaches aka a CSF Leak. My years of telling him that I’m fine spectacularly came back to haunt me.

This piece was inspired by a conversation with my good friend Sharon, who herself faces many health battles. I consider her condition to be worse than mine and she considers mine worse than hers. We are reasonably honest with each other but I also have a tendency to minimise my symptoms and I am sure she probably does the same with me. She is the person I am most honest with but I sometimes feel guilty for moaning to her when she has things so rough herself. She also freely admits how hard she finds it to ask for help, she like me is determined to be as independent as possible and not a burden to those around her. We laugh at how we both frequently say “I’m fine”.

Hubby usually gets an edited version of how I am if he is working as I don’t want him to have the stress of worrying about me whilst he is trying to earn a living. I have been known to put on a brave face until the minute he leaves the house and then crawl to bed, just because I know it will make him really anxious if I tell him the truth. When he is home from work I will also fight my symptoms for as long as possible down playing them so I don’t have to go to bed. A lot of times this year it’s not been possible as the head pain caused by the CSF leak only lessens when I lie completely flat.

I learnt quite early on in my chronic ill-health journey that when people ask how you are, they really want you to reply “I’m fine and you?”. They don’t want to know what is really going on. Society seems to have a real issue with those who are ill, just look at the obituaries and you will see phrases like “bravely borne”, “brave battle” and “courageous struggle”. Even when dying those who are sick are supposed to paint a smile on their face and not “give in” to their illness. To admit that things aren’t fine and dandy is to show weakness, allowing your condition to have the upper hand. In the chronically sick community people describe themselves as warriors or  zebra strong, I don’t have a problem with how people want to label themselves but I don’t feel very warrior like or zebra strong when my head has been down the toilet for a few hours due to my CSF Leak.

People who do not deal with illness on a daily basis can end up feeling lost or hopeless when confronted by those who have a chronic condition. I know looking back  that before I got sick I had no understanding at all about the issues faced by those who were dealing with symptoms outside that of normal illness such as a cold or flu. We seem to struggle to fully understand unless we have walked a mile in someone’s shoes. Now I am part of the community I am embarrassed by my previous ineptitude. It doesn’t stop my anger towards though who profess to care but negate what I am going through. I also don’t want your response when faced by my reality to  be to give me unsolicited medical advice.

It is a difficult tightrope act that each community performs, for the sick it is do we trust this person enough to go beyond the usual I’m fine and for the other it’s having the honesty to admit that sometimes you don’t want to know all the gory details, without making the other person feel guilty. It doesn’t help that during a consultation with a long gone doctor I was told I had provided him with too much information or that on another occasion I was told I spent too much time on the internet looking up syndromes to have. If those that are treating us can’t provide empathy and understanding, is it any wonder that we resort to lying, even to those who are supposed to be treating us? If they aren’t listening then what’s the point in saying anything other than I’m fine?

The other side of the coin is that there are so many things wrong, if someone were to ask me how I really am, how much do I tell them before their eyes glaze over? Let’s take today as an example, I have a rapidly amplifying headache from my CSF Leak which means if I don’t get more caffeine in me or have a lie down it will go from annoying to excruciating. I have TMJ (Temporomandibular joint pain) caused from my trip to the dentist on 16th November where I had to have my jaw open for 30 mins and was moved around (not roughly) by the dentist. This means that all my teeth hurt, my jaw hurts and closing my mouth hurts. So I am on a diet of soup and soft food to help it settle down quickly. I am unable to maintain my body temperature so I have an excessive amount of layers on in an attempt to keep warm. My fingers are swollen and stiff, so typing has been a joy. Various joints around my body are emitting low-level pain signals. By low-level I mean less than a 6 out of 10 on the pain scale. Are you bored yet?

When I say I am fine what I mean is I am my normal level of shitty health. If I admit to you that I am in pain, it’s probably creeping towards a 7 or 8 out 10. If I tell you that I am really bad / awful then I am probably deliberating about whether or not to get outside medical assistance or if I need to get hubby home from work. What I am fine doesn’t mean is I am ok, I am symptom free, it’s as if I have never been sick because those days just don’t happen.

I’m fine means I can cope with what is being thrown at me without resorting to extra pain meds or going to bed. However what may have been I’m fine an hour ago could be it’s not good an hour later. My body has a tendency to misbehave, move in the wrong way I could end up in severe pain from a trapped nerve in my back or muscle spasms that have me walking like a great ape. PoTs symptoms can strike at any moment with chest pain and palpitations. My blood pressure could plummet causing me to faint or feel the urge to sleep. I just don’t know what is going to happen when and everyday is spent like this.

Obviously for those of you who read my blog on a regular basis, you know that I am anything but fine. You know I should be winning awards for my ability not to look sick or portray how sick I really am whilst out in public. So I continue to play the “I’m fine” game and the only person I am hurting is myself.

Could it be Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome – PoTS?

I posted this in August last year. Due to having a crazy week (Insomnia/painsomnia)  and a dentist’s appointment today I find myself too exhausted to write a new blog post.

I had one of those moments this week when searching through the archives of my blog I realised that I had never done a straight forward, honest to goodness post about PoTS. I may have mentioned it in passing but there is no one post based solely on it. I know that many people use my blog to try to explain their medical conditions to friends and family, so I am sorry its not happened until now.

My own diagnosis has moved away from “just” PoTs (although that is still part of it) and is now called Severe Autonomic Nervous System Dysfunction, which as far as I can tell is just a long winded way to say Dysautonomia. Which isn’t a medical term that seems to have caught on in the UK. All it means is instead of just the basic PoTs stuff going on I have developed O.I (orthostatic intolerance – my blood pressure drops in to the toilet on standing), breathing difficulties which have been with me since the MG/ not MG diagnosis, bladder problems ( I get acute urinary retention on a regular basis), unable to maintain my body temperature just to name a few. This is a new and emerging area of medicine and many medics are yet to catch up on PoTS let alone Dysautonomia. Straight away please let me direct you to this website pots.uk.org so if you are currently battling to get a diagnosis you can print this guide for gp’s and take this with you at your next appointment.

The first symptom I developed was sweating heavily when sleeping, be it a nap or a proper night’s sleep. That was back in 2006 and which I now know is reactive hypoglycemia (blog post) from monitoring my blood glucose levels. Throughout my life I had been told I had low blood pressure (not a prerequisite for PoTS as people with all levels of blood pressure can have it), I had a lot of dizzy spells, odd cravings for salt, palpitations. I put my palpitations down to anxiety, as I had always been quite an anxious person. However once my anxiety issues had been dealt with and I learned how to combat them I continued to be left with a feeling of my heart wanting to beat out of my throat on random occasions. I would also on a regular basis get very lightheaded when changing from a sitting to standing position.

So many patients with PoTS are misdiagnosed as having anxiety, health anxiety or depression or other mental health labels before they eventually get diagnosed correctly that it is criminal. Unfortunately once you have had the mental health label attached by the medics it is a hard one to shake off. Even now when going into hospital as an emergency, I still get somatiform disorder brought up when it has been completely and utterly disproven. The problem is that to an uninformed doctor PoTS can sound very like anxiety, racing heart rate, tremors the feeling of adrenaline coursing through your body and an exaggerated flight or fight response. With the majority of PoTS patients also being women it can be even harder to be taken seriously. It seems the modern medical profession still believe in the condition hysteria.

By the time I discovered the little known condition of PoTS, like many I had been written off by the medical profession as overly anxious, internet searching for syndromes with probable somatiform disorder. It took me over a year of battling to finally get the test that would prove beyond all reasonable doubt I had PoTS. A medical condition at the time my old gp had told me didn’t exist. For more info on my experience of the Tilt Table Test please click here as I don’t want to bore you by repeating myself.

My main symptoms at the time of diagnosis were as follows

  1. palpitations
  2. feeling faint or fainting (aka pre-syncope and syncope. Please remember only about 30% of PoTS patients faint but many feel faint)
  3. feeling like an elephant was sat on my chest and not being able to breathe properly
  4. racing heart rate every time I changed position, even rolling over in bed.
  5. greying out, especially after eating.  (My peripheral vision greys out)
  6. Insomnia (BIG TIME)
  7. Dizziness
  8. Migraines and shockingly bad almost migraines
  9. Cognitive deficit (aka brain fog /aphasia/ short term/long term memory problems)
  10. Chest pain (too many times to mention I thought I was going to have a heart attack)
  11. Reduced sweating (some people start getting excessive sweating, I only get excessive sweating at night)
  12. Fatigue

This list probably doesn’t cover all my symptoms and unfortunately many PoTS symptoms also merge into EDS symptoms as in the gut problems and bladder problems that many of us with both conditions have. It can get very difficult to differentiate the two. For a full list of symptoms please click here.

So what can you do if you suspect you have PoTS?

I can only base this on how I went about getting my diagnosis but it is the same advice I give everyone who asks my advice. 

Firstly get hold of a decent blood pressure monitor especially one that can also take your pulse at the same time. Here is a list of blood pressure monitors that have been validated by the British Heart Foundation as accurate enough to monitor your blood pressure at home. If you can afford it get one with a memory so it records your readings so that you can’t be accused of making the numbers up. It is important to understand that blood pressure does not play an important part in getting a diagnosis. Some people with PoTS have normal blood pressure, some have low and others have high. Why you need the BP monitor is so that you can start tracking your pulse and your blood pressure. If you can’t afford a blood pressure monitor for whatever reason, a pulse oximeter ( a little device than can read your pulse by clipping onto your finger) is the next best thing and you can pick them up online from as little as £10. 

Please remember people with PoTS tend to have very cold fingers (and toes) so before using a pulse oximeter ensure your fingers are warm enough to provide an accurate reading. Before my second tilt table test (yes I was stupid enough to do it twice) I had to sit with my fingers in a bowl of warm water as the pulse ox couldn’t get a reading.

Secondly understand what PoTS is!

PoTs is a rise in your pulse / heart rate of at least 30 beats per min (bpm) or hitting 120bpm or over, within the first ten minutes of standing. In children (up to the age of 19) the rise needs to be over 40bpm. If your heart rate doesn’t increase by 30bpm or over 120bpm within the first ten minutes of standing it is unlikely to be PoTS. 

When a normal person goes from sitting to standing their pulse / heart rate will increase on average by 15-20bpm. Within a minute or so their heart rate will go back to normal. A person with PoTS could start with a baseline heart rate of 80bpm and on standing increase to at least 110bpm. Then as they continue to stand their pulse could increase further. I know on my own tilt table test my own heart rate increased to 150bpm, unfortunately I don’t know what my baseline measurement was. Usually my pulse is in the 80’s and if that was the case I certainly managed the increase of 30bpm and smashed the 120bpm threshold.

Because many people (but not all) with PoTS also seem to have low blood pressure that is why I recommend getting a monitor. It helps to see what your blood pressure and pulse are doing after specific triggers such as climbing the stairs, raising your hand above your head, eating – particularly carb loaded meals. Many people with PoTS find their symptoms are much worse after eating heavy carb meals, so it is recommended to eat high protein low carbohydrate meals which don’t cause postprandial symptoms.

Thirdly conduct your own poor man’s tilt table test.

You maybe wondering what on earth is a poor man’s tilt table test, that is ok I was left scratching my head after first hearing this term on a forum called DINET. Because none of us own our very own tilt table designed for testing people for PoTS amongst other things, we can replicate how we will respond to the actual test by completing the poor man’s tilt table test and some gp’s who are PoTS savvy will do this in their consulting room or at the very least conduct a standing test.

To conduct a poor man’s tilt table test, you need somewhere comfortable and relaxing to lie down, without interruptions and preferably away from harsh or natural light. A wall to stand against which is adjacent to the relaxing lie down area however if you don’t have this don’t worry you can still conduct the test. You also need your bp monitor / pulse ox and a handy sidekick to record your test results. Also your sidekick can rescue you should you faint whilst completing this test so please be careful and do not attempt to complete it without having someone with you. Please also ensure that the area is safe should you decide to face plant, so free from things you could hurt yourself on. Cushions or pillows on the floor can help prevent injury!

To start the test you need to lie down and relax, no talking, no interruptions for 20 minutes. If you can darken the room in anyway before starting the test do. At the end of the 20 minutes with as little movement as possible take your blood pressure and pulse readings. These are your base line readings and what you will use to compare against the reading you get during the test.

Once you have your baseline readings stand as quickly as you can placing your back against the wall. The wall just helps prevent you from moving, people with PoTS tend to be natural fidgets because we either faint or feel like we are going to faint. Moving keeps the blood flowing, we don’t want you to do that whilst you are standing up as it may mess up the results. If you don’t have a wall to prop yourself up against try and keep your legs as still as possible.

Then at 1 minute, 2 minutes, 5 minutes, 7 minutes and 10 minutes take readings of your blood pressure and pulse or get your trusty assistant to do it. After the ten minute reading has been taken, sit down get your legs elevated and have a drink of water. You may notice that your feet / legs have gone a nice shade of red or purple. Don’t be alarmed this is called blood pooling and is very common with PoTs.

Now take a look at your readings if it shows an increase of 30+ bpm / 120 bpm this is positive for PoTS. Do not despair if it doesn’t show PoTS one negative poor man’s tilt table test does not mean it’s not PoTS, it may just mean you weren’t particularly symptomatic that day. Try to complete the test on a day when your symptoms are more evident.

Other things that might show during a poor man’s tilt table test are things like orthostatic intolerance ( your blood pressure goes below 90/60 on standing), you may have also fainted, if so I am sorry. The blood pressure readings could also reveal if you suffer from hyper-PoTS, which is where you have high blood pressure and PoTS. This needs to be treated differently to “normal” PoTS as most doctors will avoid giving you medication that will increase your blood pressure.

If you can’t for whatever reason do the poor man’s tilt table test you could perhaps try what is known as the standing test. Instead of lying down you sit down for 5 to 10 minutes to get your baseline pulse and blood pressure readings and then stand for as long as you can. Taking your readings at the same intervals as the poor mans test. This can also show PoTS. Remember PoTS stands for postural (position) orthostatic, tachycardia (fast heart rate / pulse), Syndrome (collection of symptoms and no two patients are alike).

What to do next?

Print off the gp’s guide from http://www.potsuk.org/gp_guide and book an appointment with your gp or a doctor at the practice who has been the most supportive. Sometimes these aren’t necessarily the same. Whilst waiting for your appointment take a look (if you are in the UK) at the Doctors list on the same website. This will give you an idea of who you can ask to be referred to, not all cardiologists are knowledgeable in the area of PoTS so it makes sense to see an expert, rather than someone who will give you the run around. For international readers DINET also has a Physician’s list.

If you have a disappointing gp visit and they still will not listen to you even when provided with your own test results and the gp guide, do not give up. Try every doctor at the practice if you have to and if that doesn’t work contact the practice manager. If you get no joy after all of that try reaching out to one of the many UK facebook PoTS groups. They have members all over the country and they maybe able to help you find a new gp practice with more sympathetic gp’s who are aware of the condition. 

If you have a disappointing consultants visit because despite your request of being sent to a specific doctor who is knowledgeable about the condition and you didn’t get to see one, you have a right to ask for a second opinion and ask once again to see one of the doctors named on the potsuk.org website.

You will get there in the end!

Most doctors will not confirm a diagnosis of PoTS without conducting a Tilt Table Test, ECG and possibly 24 hour blood pressure / heart monitoring. I was diagnosed on my tilt table results alone possibly because from 2007-2011 I had so many other investigations conducted they decided nothing more was needed.

The good news is that many people recover from PoTS especially if they have primary PoTS. Primary PoTS is usually caused by pregnancy, a virus, trauma or prolonged bed rest. Astronauts suffer from PoTS when returning to the Earth’s atmosphere and when their bodies re-adjust to the Earth’s gravitational pull their symptoms disappear.

Teenagers who develop PoTS also have a high chance of growing out of it. Researchers believe that teenagers develop PoTS due to the hormonal changes and growth spurts they are subjected to. Patients like these tend to grow out of their symptoms by their mid- twenties.

Patients with secondary PoTS, so PoTS that has happened due to a primary condition such as cancer, autoimmune diseases (like M.S, Lupus, Sjogrens), Ehlers Danlos Syndrome can also look forward to on the whole having the condition managed through medication and lifestyle changes (exercise, increased fluids, salt, adequate rest).

However I would be remiss if I didn’t state that there are patients like me that have refractory PoTS (it doesn’t respond to medication) and go onto develop more issues relating to our autonomic nervous system. We are the minority though not the majority. I don’t want to scare anyone who has just started on this journey I just want to be truthful.

My symptoms now are pretty much the same as when I first started on this journey with PoTS / Dysautonomia. I still have Ptosis on and off which no one has ever been able to explain. I still have issues with my breathing, fatigue, syncope and pre-syncope. A good day means that my heart isn’t continually feeling like it is fighting out of my chest on every change in posture. A bad day means not being able to sit up in bed without feeling faint, my heart rate not dropping below 100bpm even at rest. 

With my combined conditions each day is very much different with a new set of symptoms to overcome. It is exhausting, it makes me angry, it makes me sad and quite a lot of the time it makes me laugh because my body is just so screwed up!

One last thing…..if you are diagnosed with any type of tachycardia, including PoTS and you hold a driving licence you must inform the DVLA. You can do that via this Link. You will also need to contact your car insurance providers.

Another great source of information is Stars another charity which helps people suffering with a variety of conditions including PoTS.

Another Hospital Adventure Part Two

Last week I wrote about just the first 24 hours of my three-day hospital stay, if you missed it you can find it Here.. This week’s blog post will be about the remaining two days.

Day two

I woke up happy in the knowledge that Jay would be coming to visit me, we had feared had we not been able to arrange a sitter for the dogs he wouldn’t have been able to visit (thank you I.C).

 

Quite early in the morning one of my neurologists came to see me to give me the MRI scan results (which were negative) and to advise me that an anaesthetist would be coming to speak to me, he told me I needed to convince her to do the epidural blood patch. I should have realised then that she wasn’t on-board with it but it went over my head. He also discussed occipital nerve blocks (injections in the base of my skull) to see if that made any difference. If they didn’t it was more proof that the leak was real, he told me for the moment we wouldn’t be doing the caffeine infusion if I was getting a blood patch the following day.

 

Within about 30-40 minutes the anaesthetist popped around to have a chat. We spoke about my various medical conditions, the pro’s and cons of an epidural blood patch, the procedure itself and the protocols for recovery. The meeting seemed very positive and it felt like it was a go. Halfway through the meeting Jay turned up and he was able to give his input on how incapacitated I have been etc.

 

After she left we decided to have a coffee downstairs in the restaurant but as we were about to leave the neurologist came to see us and asked how the meeting had gone. We told him she had gone away to do some research ( and I had pointed her towards CSF Leak Association ), she would get back to me and that we both felt the meeting had gone well. He then asked me to go back to the ward as he wanted to do the occipital nerve block injections.

 

He did say the usual “short scratch coming” which at the moment still feels like the understatement of the year. I pride myself on my high pain threshold after having a lumbar puncture when the local anaesthetic had worn off, putting up with the most horrendous bowel adhesion pain for 6 months before they operated. Nothing prepared me for how painful this was. The doctor felt around the base of my skull asking which part was most painful and then injected local anaesthetic into that area. I was injected 4 times, the worst bit on the following three was knowing how sore number one had been. The pain made me sweat almost immediately and tears pricked my eyes. I have very colourful language and was mindful that we were on the ward, so managed to limit myself to the odd “Jesus Christ” and “Shit the bed”. I have no idea where shit the bed came from it’s not something I use ever but it helped.

 

The feeling of numbness was exceptionally weird, the back of my head felt like it was missing and the tips of my ears went numb. I was determined to go and have a coffee (and a fag to be honest) so immediately after the injections were administered I left the ward. As I had spent so much time lying flat I knew I would get an hour or so upright. My days are spent lying down so I can get the odd hour here and there to get stuff like having a shower done. It’s not a great way to live but it works for me at the moment and you have to play with the cards you have been dealt. At the moment I have an extraordinary bad hand but I am just waiting for a fresh deal.

 

Jay could only spend a few hours with me and they raced by. The times when I had visitors (my parents visited every day) went the quickest. The ward I was in was classed as short stay, essentially you were there until they could get you a bed on a proper ward, so patients were always changing over. By Thursday afternoon I was the only original patient left from those I was in with on Wednesday.

 

In the afternoon the anaesthetist returned, she caught me wheeling myself back from the toilet. Her opening statement was “You look better after those nerve blocks”. I didn’t look better, I didn’t look any better than I had done that morning. The only difference was the back of my head was completely numb. My head was still pounding every time I was upright. I knew with her opening gambit the news wasn’t going to be good.

 

She had decided that she wasn’t going to do the patch, she blamed the fact I had EDS (something I hate because ever doctor who refuses to treat me does this despite all the literature telling them the only difference in surgical approach is the closing of wounds. I find it incredibly lazy and insulting). To be fair I don’t really remember much of the conversation as I was crying so hard. She told me she thought the best thing I could do was be referred to pain management. She seemed to think that this was the perfect solution, me lying down for the rest of my life stoned off my bonce on pain meds.

 

I cried on and off for the rest of the afternoon. It was a mixture of anger and frustration, I knew I couldn’t tell Jay at this point because he had left thinking that the blood patch was being done the following day and that potentially I would be fixed. I rang my mum, who talked me out of self discharging, I can say truthfully if she hadn’t had been on the end of the phone I would have just packed up my belongings and got a taxi. I was so frustrated with it all that I couldn’t see the point in being separated from the dogs and my husband any longer. My parents drove across the city to come to see me and to give me the medical information they had printed off about CSF leaks and epidural blood patches.

 

I didn’t see any other doctor after the news that the blood patch wasn’t going ahead. I want to think it was because they were as frustrated as I was although the thought has crossed my mind that they had heard about me losing my shit with the catering staff and were in hiding.

 

I rang Jamie later in the evening to tell him that the epidural blood patch would not be going ahead. I managed to hold it together and not cry whilst I was talking to him. We were both exceptionally angry as we had been sold the hospital stay on the premise that I would have a blood patch, that I could possibly get better. He had lost a week’s holiday pay taking the time off. It was such a blow to both of us that we are still angry about it. I should never have been admitted if they didn’t have the anaesthetist on-board.

 

Day Three

I woke up in agony with my back and spent the usual amount of time begging for pain relief. I wish I was allowed to administer my own medications in hospital but as they are controlled drugs I am not allowed. So I am at the mercy of the nurses and how busy they are. My head was also really bad as I had spent too much time upright the previous day. I couldn’t lift my head of the pillow without intense stabbing pains. My eyes were also extremely sensitive to light so from 6am I was wearing sunglasses.

 

My back never copes with hospital beds and always causes me lots of problems. Quite often it will take me a good 48-72 hours to get my pain levels back under control after a hospital visit, which is simply ridiculous. In hospital I had been confined to my bed as I couldn’t sit in the chair as my head wouldn’t allow this. At home I can lie down on the sofa or on my bed and the changing surfaces stops my back getting too angry. However today I could quite happily rip my spine and surrounding muscles out as I am in agony with muscles that are in spasm. Pain makes me emotional and tired, which is not a good combination. Any tears in front of a doctor and you are immediately labelled as depressed.

 

I saw a different neurologist first thing in the morning who advised me that the caffeine infusion would be going ahead. In my notes the pharmacist had left a message informing the doctors I would need an ECG before the infusion. To which this doctor said I didn’t. Without a definite yes or no on the ECG my treatment was delayed further. All I was concerned about at this point was getting home and I was getting frustrated that no one was taking any action. By 10am I was washed, dressed and packed, that is how serious I was about leaving. I was also beyond exhausted, although I had been sleeping whilst in the hospital I was constantly being woken up by people being moved into the bay. My bed was right beside the door and no matter how careful the porters were my bed ended up being bashed by the door as they wheeled a bed through. It would hit the end of my bed so hard that the whole thing would shake. People were in and out constantly so my no matter what time of the day or night it was my bed was being knocked.

 

Between approximately 10-11am I saw my usual neurologist who apologised for the change in plan, he was as surprised as I was that the anaesthetist had refused to do the epidural blood patch. He assured me that he and the consultant would come up with a plan. (I have now been home two weeks and have yet to have had any correspondence with them.I know things move slowly in the NHS and I am one of many patients, it’s just life is particularly tough at the moment). The plan for today was that I would have an ECG and as long as that was normal they would go ahead with the caffeine infusion.

 

Our bay was being looked after by the dream team today and I am not being sarcastic. The two nurses we had and the health care assistants were brilliant, really funny, got stuff done quickly and were in and out all the time. In the two days prior to this we were lucky if we saw anyone at all for hours at a stretch. One of the nurses was the lovely lady who had come to my rescue on the first night when I had the issue with food (Cottage pie, Fish pie anyone?) and we had a male nurse as well. I don’t know who was more unlucky, me or the male nurse as he was the one going to be doing my ECG. If you have never had an ECG, they basically stick a bunch of sticky pads on your body in various places. It can be a bit embarrassing for all involved if you have a large chest (that’s me) as a lot of the stickers have to go around and under your bosom. Years ago I had a very embarrassed male nurse putting the stickers on and he could barely bring himself to touch my breasts to put the stickers underneath. Now when I have an ECG I grab the bull by the horns and grab them myself cupping them out-of-the-way to spare both our blushes.

 

As expected my ECG was normal and half an hour later the caffeine infusion was started. I was warned prior to it starting that if I got palpitations, felt weird etc I was to call for a nurse. I really didn’t think I would feel anything as I drink so much coffee these days as caffeine boosts CSF production. Some days the coffee helps a lot and other days it makes no difference at all. The infusion would take about two hours to run and after that I would be free to leave the hospital. It was a very long two hours!

 

Just as the IV was started lunch was served to our bay. The catering staff out did themselves, managing to give 5 people the wrong lunches and I ended up without one. When we tried to get the catering assistant to sort it out, she left the bay without speaking. We ended up calling a nurse to then get hold of the catering supervisor to sort the cock-up out. I eventually got my vegan curry, however the lady across from me who suffered from Coeliac disease couldn’t get a guarantee from the catering staff that her meal was indeed gluten-free. I on the other hand never ever want to eat curry again.

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Initially I felt nothing as the drip started. It was only on the 30-40 minute mark I started to feel strange. I felt like every muscle in my body was twitching or vibrating and I felt really buzzy. I started to get palpitations which I thought were more to do with postprandial hypotension or reactive hypoglycemia. I did call for a nurse and my observations were taken, my blood pressure was just bizarre 121/66 ( a wide pulse pressure of 55 should be nearer 30) and a pulse of around 75. So there was no need for concern and the infusion could continue.

 

As time went on I noticed that my head pain had reduced and I was now able to sit up without grabbing at my head. This effect lasted for 5 hours, believe me to be headache free for 5 hours was absolute bliss. It also reduced my head pain for the following 5 days. By the time the infusion finished I was sat up and no longer had to lie down. I had my sunglasses off because my eyes weren’t light sensitive and they remained that way for the  following 5 days.

 

I managed to leave hospital at around 3:30pm with a diagnosis in writing of Spontaneous Intracranial hypo-tension (SIH) or in layman’s terms a cerebrospinal fluid leak. I suppose even though I hated every minute of being in hospital at least I have that diagnosis, which has been backed up by the occipital nerve block injections and the results of the caffeine infusion.

 

We are still raising money via Help me walk the dogs again for a new wheelchair and power trike attachment so I am able to get up to Woodbury Common and walk the dogs again. We have now raised £1400 of the £5000 we want to raise. Hubby is getting his back waxed on 31st July and as you can see from the picture he is pretty hairy! You can sponsor him via my go fund me campaign. The waxing is being recorded and it will be released on YouTube and via my blog.

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Many thanks

Rach

 

A general update

I know I can be terribly annoying talking about the various new things happening medically but then never going back and updating you all. Unfortunately I have the memory of a goldfish, my husband will attest to that. I forget things, I continually ask the same questions  etc. It must drive him nuts some days but he patiently answers those repeated questions.

Octreotide:
In April 2014 I was admitted into hospital for a medication trial. Luckily I escaped on the second day, the hospital setting drove me to the brink of hysteria. This was triggered by awful experiences of hospitals in the past.
I was started on 0.25mls Octreotide three times a day before meals. Whilst in hospital I suffered no side effects but with in a few days I was suffering from diarrhoea (neon yellow in colour!) and stomach pain. On the advice of my consultant I stopped the injections for a few days and then restarted them but just once a day. All went really well – it stopped my postprandial episodes, until June which was when I started getting repeated bouts of cellulitis. I decided that I would stop the injections whilst I waited to get rid of the cellulitis. I had four bouts of it in total, by the end of July I had simply got out of the habit of injecting and it fell by the wayside. My postprandial episodes had lessened so I just didn’t use it.

Last week as the episodes had come back with a bang I decided to bite the bullet and start using the octreotide again. I started off on a 0.2ml dose and that has gone really well. As there were no side effects I have increased this week back to 0.25ml, I had got up to 0.3ml before stopping it so I hope to slowly increase it back to that amount. So far so good, the weird thing is I can really feel it wear off with tachycardia coming out of nowhere once I get to the 90 minute mark after the injection. I see my consultant at the hospital in the next few weeks so I will update him them.

Fludrocortisone / Florinef:

I started taking fludrocortisone again back in February 2014 after the tilt table test sent my autonomic nervous system into free fall. Since then its been on and off until January this year when again I have taken another downturn health wise. I am currently taking two tablets a day which I find helps with the tachycardia and palpitations. It does zero for my blood pressure but if it stops the banging heart every time I move I am happy to take it. If I am having a very rough day I will increase to three or even four tablets.

Home Oxygen:

I still have my oxygen concentrator which is an enormous help to me….when I remember to use it. It is very reassuring to have the oxygen concentrator at home so that I don’t have to take a trip to hospital. There are several reasons why I use it, the first one is quite obvious I use it when I feel like I can’t breathe. This tends to happen if I am having tachycardia that wont settle even when resting. It is exhausting when your heart decides to run at a million miles an hour when you aren’t. It feels like you can’t catch your breath, so the oxygen just makes it a lot easier. On occasion it will slow my heart down as well so a double bonus. I also use it when I have a bad migraine, the oxygen seems to reduce the length of the attack and ease the severity of the pain. Since being on the fludrocortisone again I have had a lot more headaches an unfortunate side effect so I find I am using the oxygen more and more.

Back Pain:

Overall my back pain is 100 times better than it was back in August when I could barely get out of bed. I still have bad days and semi bad days usually when I overdo things however some days I can just wake up in agony. I am not brilliant at doing the Pilate’s I seem to have fallen out of the habit. I really need to get back on the case.

My back pain has also moved from being predominantly my lower back and now can be anywhere from the base of my skull down to my tail bone. For the moment I have stopped going to physio therapy as I really don’t believe that my back will get much better than it is now. I completed Pilate’s from the September to the December at a cost of £70 a month. We don’t really have the £70 a month to spend. If I can’t keep my back pain at the level it is now I will go back.

Bladder Problems:

My bladder has been doing much better since I have retrained it to wait for longer until I empty it. So far no infections which was my main concern as my going frequently was a habit I had got into due to recurrent infections. 

I have not cut out caffeine, fizzy drink, artificial sweeteners or the devils juice. This was my decision and just because I have done it does not mean that this decision would be right for you should a medical professional advise you to do the same. I knew that my problems were not related to my consumption of these items but down to a neurological problem. The bladder nurse was trying to treat me for an over active bladder due to me urinating over 26 times in a day. What she couldn’t quite get her head around was that if you drink between 6-7 litres a day you are going to pee more than the national average.

I am being taught how to self catheterise at the end of this week…..I am so looking forward to it. At least this is happening in my home and not in a hospital ward. Knowing how to do this will be an enormous help as my bladder is still refusing to empty properly or completely stop working. I am hoping that by being able to empty my bladder in this way will mean I will not need the district nurses coming around and fitting a catheter with a bag in future. Time will tell. I am sure there will be a blog post following this hilarious fun-filled episode.

B12:

I was diagnosed with a vitamin B12 deficiency at the end of the summer. I had the standard 6 injections and then was supposed to be given the injections every 8-12 weeks. After 6 injections it was clear that I needed far more B12 than was being offered on the NHS (despite the NICE guidelines informing doctors of the correct practice). As soon as the B12 injections wore off my neurological symptoms came back. So since then I have been initially injecting every other day. I then spaced that out until every 3 days then every 4 days and now I am down to once a week. Any longer than that and the burning sensation in my left leg and foot comes back. I was obviously a lot more deficient than my B12 test accounted for.

Overall Health:

As I have a hospital appointment coming up in the next few weeks to see the consultant who looks after me for PoTs I have been thinking long and hard about how I am doing. I haven’t seen my Dr since April due to a massive balls up within the hospitals admin department. Hand on heart I can honestly say my health is slowly getting worse each year, which is upsetting and a little depressing. I don’t know where this decline will end and that is scary. No one seems to know or discuss it. 

I am now starting to suffer from random drops in blood pressure when sitting. I am used to my blood pressure dropping like a stone on standing and have coping mechanisms in place for this. What alarms me about this new symptom is it is happening when I sitting with my legs raised. I will be reading or using my Chromebook and all of a sudden the screen will seem to scroll up or down. This is actually my eyes rolling in my head, within a few seconds my heart will feel funny. The only way I can describe it is that I get the sensation you have when you are falling in a dream, only I am awake. The attacks can last for just a few seconds or several minutes. I may get one in isolation or repeated attacks throughout the day. I know that whatever it is that is happening is causing my blood pressure to drop as I have been lucky enough to capture an episode on my BP monitor. This is just crazy and when I put some feelers out within the PoTs community only one person replied and said their son suffers from them.

I worry about these attacks as I have no warning that they will happen. For the moment I have placed myself on a driving ban until they have stopped for a few weeks. I feel like I am hanging onto my independence by a thread. Losing my driving licence – even though I only drive a few times a year would devastate me. Obviously having an accident and hurting other people would devastate me more. It is just that I feel that this illness has taken so much away from me I would hate to lose yet another thing.

Weight loss:

I am still sticking to my diet and I will admit it has been very hard at times. I have lost 21lbs since starting and I am just 3lbs away from what I weighed on my birthday in November which is what my first target was. I still have a long way to go, I am not even half way yet. I have found that reading my cards that I have made up with positive affirmations on them reminding me of the reasons why I want to lose weight etc have been really helpful especially on the days when I am finding it a hard slog.

One last quick update:

 This one is regarding my mum. Those of you who are regular readers may remember I wrote about the length of the waiting list for my mums spinal surgery. She still hasn’t had the operation and has deteriorated further. She saw her surgeon last week after her gp wrote to the surgeon explaining how badly my mum was now doing. Her case has now been marked as urgent and she has completed all her pre-operative tests. She is now just waiting to hear when the operation will take place. Fingers crossed it takes place soon as she really needs it.