You wake up some mornings and you just aren’t feeling the love for anything. Your force yourself to go through the motions but inside you feel like you are dying. It has been one of those days where everything is a real effort and things that would normally bring me joy aren’t doing anything for me. I would prefer to sit and cry if I am honest. If Jay wasn’t home I probably would. I try not to cry in front of him because he is so determined to fox things and well the way I feel today can’t be fixed. I can only hope tomorrow I wake up with a renewed sense of enthusiasm.
When I had days like these previously I would panic that it was signalling the return of my depression. Over time I have learned that there are days that for no reason what- so -ever I will wake up and feel blue. It might also coincide with a pain flare which is what I am experiencing at the moment. The arthritis in the base of my thumbs is quite painful and during the night I must have hyper extended my lower spine, as I have a trapped nerve which is making it painful to walk, stand. Not that I can do either very much normally anyway. Because of that pain the rest of my back is trying to join in with back spasms. Making everything bloody painful which really doesn’t help me on the mood front.
I know that I just have to make it through the day and hopefully tomorrow I will feel if not completely back to normal at least 80% there. It is a really weird mindset to be in as there is stuff I want to get done but when trying to complete various tasks I just run out of enthusiasm for them or my body / mind feels like it is trying to operate in a sea of treacle. Everything seems to take 10 times longer than it really should and it is frustrating because if I could just get my brain to engage and not wander I would be able to reach the goals I have set myself for the day.
I am kicking myself for leaving my blog post to the last possible moment to write as I am struggling to remain focused for long enough to string a sentence together. Earlier in the week I had a really good subject for the blog and had started composing it in my head. I have now forgotten it and that is winding me up too. If I am honest everything is annoying me today. If I could get up and leave myself I would. I hate being around myself when I am in this kind of mood. I am trying to choose my attitude but the overwhelming attitude for today is just pissed off. I am also for the first time in forever feeling very hormonal. Which is really just piling on the shit on an already shit day.
God I am even boring myself writing this, god help anyone who reads this. Lets hope by tomorrow this strange mood has done one for all our sakes. It is making me a right Mardy Mare!
For those of you who have no clue what Mardy means find the definition here