World Mental Health day was held on Wednesday 10th October ( today as of writing this). It’s quite ironic that I am in a spiral of anxiety again. I am trying very hard to distract myself but it’s very difficult when you spend your days alone for the majority of the time.
When my anxiety gets very bad I tend to fixate on something. It can be really obscure, last time it was Meghan Markle now the Duchess of Sussex – don’t ask me why it was probably as it was coming up to the Royal Wedding. I don’t fixate of anything in particular it was just she was constantly on my mind. I know how very fucking weird that sounds. I don’t have any control what I fixate on. I was worrying about how horrid her family were being to her and hoping that the wedding would go smoothly. See I told you I can fixate on the most bizarre things. All I can do is wait for the anxiety to pass and for me to no longer fixate on the issue.
Currently I am fixated on Frankie (dog), he had his 12th Birthday on Sunday and obviously that day was happy and sad because it also would have been Willow’s 12th Birthday. As a double whammy it was my late Grandmothers birthday the day before, she would have been 90 years old. On top of that October is an extremely hard month for me as it’s the month that hold the anniversary of our first dogs passing – October 17th 2006. The date is etched on my memory, it will never leave me, just as December 15th 2017 (Willow), January 6th 2018 ( Gran ) January 24th 2017 (Andrew), January 26th 2018 (Pam). The older I get the more dates I remember. Its something I can’t help.
Frankie is the centre of my fixation at the moment as he is a big dog who is 12 years old. He has a grade 2 heart murmur, arthritis, mobility issues and possibly a tumour growing on his back leg. He can’t have any operations due to the fact he won’t survive the anesthetic due to the heart murmur. I know that some time very soon ( I sincerely hope it isn’t soon but I am a realist) we will have to make a decision that will break my heart all over again but will be in my boys best interest. What makes it hard is I am destroying the time I have with him now by fixating on this. Like I said it’s totally out of my control. Until I get on a more even keel these intrusive thoughts will just continue. I have tried telling them to stop, I have used distraction. I have used everything in my arsenal and now when things are exceptionally bad I am having to use diazepam.
When you have anxiety or any mental health issue there is no banishing those horrid thoughts from your mind as someone so helpfully suggested on social media. There is no just getting over it. You just have to ride out the storm until the anxiety cycle or whatever the issue is, is either alleviated through some sort of treatment or it burns itself out.
So please be kind with your words, don’t rush to judgement. You really have no clue what another person is going through. Just be kind, sprinkle that shit everywhere, in every way that you can.
Peace Out xxxx