2018 stumbling through

Before we start, I want to say a quick thank you to those of you who have clicked on the link over on Blogger. Thanks for bearing with me whilst I attempt to sort out my technical issues on that blogging platform.

 

Christmas and New Year have been really hard for us this year. Losing Willow so close to Christmas left us devastated and unable to summon the usual festive good will. Then just as I thought I was beginning to cope with life again and not merely stumbling through, my grandmother passed away. On the day it happened I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I was back to stumbling through. And now today Wednesday 24th January marks a year since we lost our friend Andrew. Is it wrong for me to want 2018 to do one already?

 

Immediately after Willows passing, we were both struggling to sleep, with me having constant nightmares about losing either Mollie or Frankie ( losing them physically as in going missing whilst on a walk) and hubby  struggled as every time he closes his eyes, he saw Willow in her final moments. And although it was peaceful, it was still traumatic for him. If you have never loved a pet as part of the family, you will never understand the level of grief we are feeling. I thought losing a dog due to old age would be easier than when we lost Travis before his third birthday. How wrong I was it hurts at the same level but in different ways. This time I didn’t have the guilt of not doing enough (even though there was nothing we could have done for Travis). I just missed her and all her annoying habits. She was a very soppy dog who believed humans only existed to fulfil her need for constant cuddles. To have a sea of bonio crumbs in my bedroom doorway again, would mend my broken heart completely.

 

We are bereaved, our hearts are heavy and tears come very easily (and they come very easily some days). Yet there are people out there who have been incredibly insensitive to our loss despite having suffered a bereavement in their own lives at some point. Who seem to forget what we have been through (when they should know better) or do not think it warrants the level of grief we are feeling.  I received a message from someone I only know on social media informing me I should be making an effort for Christmas, after I had said I had lost all my Christmas spirit. Had there not been the possibility of  some repercussions (now I just don’t care) if I had told them to fuck off, I had to bite my tongue and thank them for their offensive message. I would never dream of telling someone how to grieve especially less than 24 hours after they have lost a relative / friend or pet. But apparently I was fair game because after all it was just a dog. I hope the person who sent me the message reads this blog post and realises what an utter C**T I think you are. I apologise to those of you who can’t abide bad language but there really is no other word to explain how I feel about them and still do.

 

Emotions are running high, I can’t help that. The only thing that is bringing me joy is my sewing at the moment because I have to concentrate 100% on that and can escape reality. However I can’t do that 24/7. In the days immediately after Willows passing I sewed for hours every day. I ended up with a bad EDS flare and probably a touch of arthritis thrown in for good measure. My fingers were swollen like sausages and I couldn’t bend them without squeaking with the pain.

Losing the ability to sew and distract myself made it very hard. Which in turn left me feeling very low, I was counting down the days until Jay was off work for Christmas. It was very hard as his work schedule meant he had a lot of late finishes, which since Willows passing I found very difficult to cope with. I have no idea why the evenings were so bad, as I am normally in bed by 7pm but I really struggled with being alone in the evenings.

 

Things are slowly getting easier, I actually feel present now rather than feeling like I am operating through another dimension. I am crying very easily and I haven’t been a crier for years. I miss Willow everyday but I can talk about her now without losing it completely.

I need to say thank you to all of those who sent Jay and I messages, cards, wine, chocolate! We were totally overwhelmed by all the love and support we received. So many of you knew Willow and what a cuddle whore she was (cuddle whore was one of her many nicknames). And even those of you who have never met her or Jay and I, have sent us such beautiful messages. For the first week or so I struggled to read them as I was crying so hard. We are still receiving messages now from complete strangers who just know my little family through the power of blogging. I am touched that you have taken the time to reach out to us and express your sympathy. Actions like those restore your faith in humanity.

 

I am hoping to get back into blogging properly very soon, I needed to write this to just get it out there and off my chest. Pretty much like any other blog post of mine. I don’t think 2018 is going to be any kinder, both Frankie and Mollie are quite old for Weimaraners 11 & 13, Jay and I accept that. We know that being a pet owner comes with the responsibility of always putting them first, even when it breaks your heart.

 

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5 thoughts on “2018 stumbling through

  1. I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I just started blogging and our dog Blue is already the star of some of my posts. Dogs are such wonderful friends. I can’t imagine the pain you are going through. I wish the best for you and your family in these hard times. You are in my thoughts. – Robert

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    • Thank you Robert, it means a great deal to me that you have reached out and taken the time to leave a comment. Its all very up and down at the moment, some days I can get through a day without crying and others I spend the whole day in tears. At some point it has to get easier right?

      Many thanks
      Rachel

      Liked by 1 person

      • Yes, I imagine it gets easier, if maybe only because it could not get much worse. But you know I feel sorry for the people that have never known a dogs love or have dismissed it as non-existent. They are the ones that have lost. They will never know what you know. That no matter the pain of loss the trip was worth every minute. I know some day Blue will be gone and I am dreading it, but I wouldn’t step off this train for a second knowing what I know now about how amazing dogs can be. I hope the day comes soon that you cry less, and I am thrilled knowing another person out there who had the heart to be a good friend to a dog and give them the life they deserve. Best of luck and keep writing! – Robert

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Hiya Rachel. Its only me, your friendly stalker! joking aside it does get easier but it takes a while. You had every right to use strong language to such insensitive comments! I know I ploughed in, but I will admit it wasn’t out of malice, it was me being very stupid and engaging mouth before brain! I still feel terrible xxx Your memorials are lovely and I hope they bring you both lots of comfort, we are only just starting to talk about our Toby who we had pts far to young. Always here for you from another doggy Mummy xxx

    Liked by 2 people

    • Hi Emmey aka Stalker! ,
      Please don’t beat yourself up about what happened when Willow passed away. Emotions were running high and I know that I over reacted somewhat.
      We talk about Willow everyday in the same way we spoke about Travis when he passed away. We just find it helps us to keep her close and honour her memory. Even though quite often it ends with one of us in tears .

      Thank you hun
      love Rach x

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