Broken

For the last few weeks I have been left wondering how you fix something that seems broken beyond repair? How do you move past the anger and pain? How do you get to a new normal? I am left scratching my head trying to work this all out. I have had to deal with so many broken things, body, mind and relationships that have fallen by the wayside. When do you say enough is enough?

Before anyone psychoanalyzes this one, hubby and I are fine, perfect in fact. This year he has provided me (as he always does) with unwavering support through this difficult year. I can’t thank him enough for that. There have been days where he must have been almost hysterical with fear because I was so sick but he stayed strong. He made sure I knew I could count on him when the chips were down and there aren’t many people these days that I could say that about.

For 9 years I have had to deal with a broken body (well since birth but it really raised its ugly head 9 years ago) and on the whole I am fine with that. Of course there are days when I ask “Why me?” or I think that I can’t possibly go on but I do. I can forgive myself those moments of weakness or perhaps vulnerability is a better word. Even though pain wise this year has been horrific I am still managing to do things to make myself happy and enjoy life. I think that is something to be proud of.

I have in the last nine years had to deal with many broken relationships. People I thought would be friends with forever have dropped by the wayside but not before treating me like crap. I should take some of the blame here, not because of ill-health but for allowing people to treat me that way. I am an incredibly loyal friend and will excuse bad behaviour up to a point. However at some point a line in the sand has to drawn, it just I can take a bloody age getting there. When I do though the fallout (pun intended) can be catastrophic, people don’t like being confronted with their bad behaviour. I am not for one instance say this believing I am perfect, I am not. When bringing up the subject I always say “I am sure there are things I must have done that have annoyed you”. I give them the opportunity to address issues so it’s not one-sided because if things are ever going to be put right the exchange has to be honest.

Maybe because by the time I deal with the situation there have been a series of events, such as not contacting me unless I contact them, not coming to see me (I can’t go to see them as I am virtually housebound although I would love to), being rude or overly critical etc, etc I have the examples to hand, they are on the back foot unprepared for the conversation? Because for so long I have let things slide and given them the benefit of the doubt. I know that something must’ve happened for them to change the way they have treated me. However from my side it seems the more I do for someone, the more they expect, then because I am forever trying to please them, I get taken for granted and the friendship gets abused. My inability to nip bad behaviour ( what else can you call it?) in the bud seems to give them the green light to walk all over me.

I hate confrontation with those who are close to me, I am too worried about hurting their feelings that I end up not expressing my own. I wonder if it is because of all the bullying I faced during my childhood that I don’t want to rock the boat and tell the person what they are doing is not ok? I can be loud, brash and seem to have endless self-confidence but really I am an anxious hot mess a lot of the time. I worry over stuff that shouldn’t be worried about, I worry late into the night about things that haven’t happened, I can get into a rut of worrying that can be a difficult cycle to break. I know it’s not healthy to be anxious or to be afraid of expressing what you want or need. Most of the time I am not worried about what I will say but what will happen once it’s been said, as the words can not be unsaid. I should however start putting myself first and starting from now that is exactly what I am doing. I will no longer have people riding roughshod over my feelings in an attempt to make themselves feel better.

At the moment I am only filled with anger, I know that is clouding my judgement. The extent of the anger only reinforces the hurt I have felt and the fact that I do care deeply about this friendship. If it had been anyone else they would have been told to go once this pattern of behaviour seemed to establish itself. I have asked myself the question over and over did I do something to deserve this? Have I ever done something to deserve this and does it make me a bad person if I cannot think of anything but the times I have bent over backwards and supported you?

In some cultures when an item is broken like a china bowl, they fill in the cracks and cover the repair with gold leaf, to make it unique and more beautiful than it was before. I wonder if that is possible with human relationships as I am not without hope on rare occasions.

So I find myself now in a situation where the conversation has been had but now I am unsure of where we go from here. It no longer feels the same which is something I never thought I would say. Do I concentrate on the good times which account for 98% of the time and ignore the 2%? Is it worth resuscitating, this hollow corpse of a friendship, which it has been for a while or now because apologies have been made do we forge a new relationship? I am unsure that I want to open myself up again to the risk of being hurt so badly, picked up again only to be dropped when something better comes along? Do I try to forget what has happened or do I forgive but never forget? Does shared history count for anything? Is I am sorry, enough?  When is it broken beyond repair?

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5 thoughts on “Broken

  1. I’m so sorry you’re going through this Hun. You have enough to be contending with without the added stress of self centred people/selfish relationships. I admire your strength and ability to write this with such passion, whatever and however you decide to deal with this relationship please don’t change who you are, because you are simply amazing! Much love sweetie and Merry Christmas to you all xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m so sorry you’re going through this Hun. You have enough to be contending with without the added stress of self centred people/selfish relationships. I admire your strength and ability to write this with such passion, whatever and however you decide to deal with this relationship please don’t change who you are, because you are simply amazing! Much love sweetie and Merry Christmas to you all xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Emmey,
      Thank you so much for reading my blog post and taking the time to write a comment it is really appreciated.

      I decided a while ago that if people can’t accept me for being me then I was no longer going to “change” to fit in with them, as I wasn’t being true to myself. I am naturally a people pleaser but I have come to realise over the years that some people can’t help themselves but take advantage of that. I have just had enough of bending over backwards accommodating everyone only to be greeted with a slap in the face.

      As with the friendship it is still early days and we are both aware of that fact. We have also said that neither of us feels that we don’t want the friendship to continue to the vast amount of shared history we have. To be fair to the person they have had an awful lot going on in their life in the past two years and some stuff I can put down to that however that doesn’t excuse all of it. Due to the fact we have adopted an honesty is the best policy with our friendship it has meant we can say how things are and not expect fireworks for saying that. We are a long way from being mended but we are getting there.
      Now only time will tell.

      Merry Christmas to you and yours
      Lots of love
      Rach xxxx

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  3. If you are wanting the same friendship you had I don’t think that can ever happen. When things are said it alters the dynamics always. When you stay mute for so long it gives the person the green light that their behaviour has been accepted. You end up with the abuser and the feeder. The reality is you both have to change to move forward.

    There’s nothing wrong with trying to forge a new friendship, but you have the leave the anger behind. Try and get to know each other again. You will find it’s either great or it sucks. You only know if you try. However, in this new friendship if the bad behaviour starts this time you nip it in the bud straight away.

    Try not to over analyse as it becomes much bigger than it is. A lot has been done wrong but then you can always argue that if you had spoken up sooner. Someone only has the power over you if you let them. Unfortunately when you have a forgiving nature and natural ability to nurture you get walked all over.

    You have to go with your gut instinct and I do wish you well. Remember, without hope there is nothing.
    Good luck x

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Lucy,

      Thank you for taking the time to read my blog post and leave a comment. I really appreciate that.

      I do accept some of the blame lies with me for not speaking up and telling the person at the time about their behaviour. Like you say I am a naturally nurturing and forgiving person. I hope in time that I will be able to forgive but I can’t forget as the hurt is too deep.

      We are both making positive steps to improve the quality of our relationship. I am speaking up more and have already addressed a couple of issues. Only time will tell now if there is a future. I am hopeful that there will be.

      Many thanks
      Rach x

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