I got read the riot act last week on the first day of Jay’s (hubby’s) holiday. I was informed I was not allowed to use the word “sorry”. You see I use that word an awful lot, not a day goes by when I don’t find myself apologising. My husband can’t stand the fact that I am continually apologising for being sick, he was determined that I wasn’t going to apologise for being chronically ill for the next nine days.
To be honest when he started on his rant I was a bit concerned about what he was going to say. He is my rock, my best friend and soul mate. What had I done to make him start a rant first thing on a Sunday morning? You see we don’t really full on row very often and when we do it is normally started by me. We bitch and bicker, with some light-hearted banter thrown in for good measure, so when he started up, I wondered what the hell was coming next. I know to some I am a millstone around his neck, destroying his life. They would have walked away and filed for divorce if they had found themselves with a sick spouse. You would be surprised at how many of those people are around. I have read numerous articles based on studies that have shown a husband is much more likely to leave a sick spouse than the other way around.
I almost burst out laughing when he said “I don’t want you to apologise for anything whilst I am off. If you need to lie down, you go and lie down, if you need to spend the day in bed, you do that. I just don’t want you saying sorry. You’re sick and you can’t help that, so please don’t say sorry because it breaks my heart that you feel the need to have to say that.” I was very touched by him saying this. Getting sick has left me feeling very insecure, unworthy and basically less of a fully functioning human being. I feel guilty all the time regarding the stress I cause him and the fact that our dreams for the future have been shattered. It would be very understandable if he felt resentment or frustration due to the situation we find ourselves in but he never blames me.
I have been apologising much more than normal of late. There is barely a day that goes by when I am not having to go to bed for the night at 18:00, ridiculously early for a grown up. It means that when he is working we spend very little time together, which isn’t ideal. On his days off I have also had to have a lie down part way through the day, or ask for numerous hot water bottles to be filled whilst I lie head in hands because my head feels like it is about to explode. It makes normal life practically impossible but at the moment it is the only way I can manage.
I don’t just find myself apologising to him, I apologise to everyone continually. It seems I have a guilty conscience about everything, missing phone calls, forgetting to reply to text messages and generally being really crap at keeping in contact with people. I am lucky that my friends don’t take it personally they know that my brain is fried at the moment. They know currently that there are more bad days than good. So if they don’t hear from me properly for a few days, I am trying to get my shit together so I have the energy for a proper conversation.
I have never been very good at pacing myself, when hubby is home I will push myself to the limit. Before this suspected cerebrospinal fluid leak started I was never very good at having enforced rest periods. Now there is no choice as to when I have to lie flat and do nothing because the pain won’t let me push on through. I know after a couple of hours I can get going again but the amount of time I can be upright declines with each period of intense pain. By the end of the day I am lucky if I can sit upright for more than 30 minutes before I have to admit defeat. I used to be able to just lie down on the sofa but now things have progressed to the point where being completely flat lying in bed relieves the pain. You feel so stupid after a while because the head pain has gone but the minute you sit up its back and on occasions it can feel like someone is attacking you with an ice pick being plunged into the back of your skull.
Thankfully over his time off I have had a few good days, where we have been able to catch up on some TV shows that we like watching together. I have also been able to spend some time with my nephews and my parents, thank goodness for reclining chairs. Without them I would have had to give up and go home after an hour. I realise now I should have been more grateful for what I had because I am now very thankful indeed for the small amount of time I can sit upright like a normal person. We have enjoyed each others company whilst he has been on holiday and I know when he returns to work for the first few days I will be dreadfully lonely.
Whilst he has been off work we have been discussing various schemes to help raise money for my go fund me campaign – help me walk the dogs again. Hubby has volunteered to have his back waxed in the hope enough people will sponsor him so that he can raise a couple of hundred quid. He had his leg waxed a few weeks ago to raise money for his company’s charity of the year and he nearly brought the store to a complete standstill with his cries of pain. You see he is a hairy boy and he knows how very much that this will hurt. If I had any doubts that he truly loves me regardless of my ill-health, I have none now.
When the event takes place I will post a video as part of my blog. We have yet to organise a date for this to take place but it will probably be next month. We do have the beautician sorted for it though who is doing it free of charge.
We talk continually about the day that I will finally be able to accompany him whilst he walks the dogs. We know we are a long way away from raising all the money we need even with adding all our savings into the mix. Currently this dream is the one thing that keeps me going. It may seem strange that we are trying to get me some mobility equipment whilst I am currently struggling to spend much time upright but I have to live in hope that the situation will be resolved and that I will be able to get outside and enjoy myself. No matter how long it takes to raise the money or get my suspected leak fixed.
Jay has been exceptionally busy through his holiday. He has painted our porch (more of an overhang), fallen off a ladder whilst painting said porch, bringing all our neighbours out of their houses to check he was OK. Thankfully he was. With my mobility issues I was the last person to the scene and again I felt terribly guilty. What if he had really hurt himself, how long would he have been there lying on the ground without me? I know how much he hates heights so he was very brave to get on the ladder. Hence there will be no abseiling, skydiving or bungee jumping to raise money for me. I’m just not that cruel….or am I? Although bless him he is considering running a half marathon again and he loathes running.
We have also spent quite a bit of time sorting out the garden. It is only small but we really wanted it to look pretty this year with flowering plants that would be around all year and not die as soon as it gets cold. We have planted lots of flowering herbs and at the last count the garden contained close to 40 pots / hanging baskets. We are very proud of the garden
I have a bed which I can lie on out in the garden so it is nice for me to be able to spend time out there increasing my vitamin D and get some fresh air after being cooped up all over winter.
Of course on several occasions during the week I have said sorry. Sorry that I was going to bed as my head was hurting, sorry I was going to bed for the night at 4pm, Sorry that we hadn’t done the things we had planned. I love him for telling me not to say the s word. He knows that none of this is my fault but I can’t help feeling I am to blame. We have so much pinned to this appointment on 22nd June, we just don’t want to be fobbed off or discharged with no clear way forward. I don’t want to have to say Sorry for a wasted journey, sorry that you have been so stressed out.
I am glad he read me the riot act on the first day of his holiday, it assured me that he knows how guilty this situation is making me feel. That he knows me so well, that he knows that I will soldier on until I collapse rather than feel like I have let him down (not that he has ever said that or that I have done it). We aren’t a couple that professes our undying love all over social media, after 19 years together, if we don’t know that we love each other it is a bit of a poor show. We tell each other all the time how very much we love each other. So although he already knows this I want to say – “I love you Mr Morris” and “Thank you” xxx
Happy 40th Birthday Lucy – 9th June 2016. xxxxx