I’m not doing people today

***Bad language warning***

Oh the irony!

I will be completely honest I can be a cranky bitch at times, today is one of them. I can’t be bothered with people, I just want to retreat into my shell. I have zero tolerance for what I call fuckwittery, these are mainly actions fulfilled by fuckwitts. An example of fuckwittery would be asking a question where the answer is obvious (to me), attention seeking on social media through dramatic statuses / messages or just generally the person breathing the same air as me can set me off. Of course this all flies in the face of the image the chronically ill have to portray, the happy smiley brave person who battles on regardless. Devoid of any other human emotion than perfect happiness.

You won’t be surprised that these “moods” tend to come on when I am in the midst of a pain flare. You would be right if you guessed that I am in the middle of one now. I am deeply annoyed that the neuropathic pain that I have suffered with on and off for about 15 years has come back. B12 injections back in 2014 has ended this constant pain. I am up to date with my B12 medication so cannot understand why this is back other than I have possibly irritated a nerve in my back. This nerve obviously runs directly into my brain for me to be this boiling cauldron of rage currently.

On days like these I can’t be trusted to engage on social media, I can’t do small talk or act as your personal life coach, it is too emotionally draining. If you ask me a question you are likely going to get an answer you do not want to hear and that I probably, well I am 90-99% sure I don’t mean. I do try to warn people when I have entered into one of these rage filled moods. The problem is they just don’t believe me or seem to get it and keep pushing it until I either step away or tell them to stop being a fuckwitt.

Weirdly I can play nice when the red mist descends with family members and close friends, up to a point. My gp has rung when I am hell-bent on world destruction and you would have thought butter wouldn’t melt in my mouth. As soon as the call ended I was back to my dastardly plans. I can act as if all is well for several minutes before the mask begins to slip. When I am in intense pain I am just not a nice person to be around.

My husband knows the best form of defence in these situations is retreat. He knew this morning when I barely uttered three words to him, today would not be a good day. Little Miss Sunshine would not be making an appearance anytime soon. He was wise to stop himself asking me if I had taken all my pain meds as anything that was to hand may have been thrown at him. He wisely decided to take himself out for the morning as he was day off from work. Who can blame him, even I don’t want to be around me right now.

In the end I admitted defeat and went to bed. I had become so exhausted by the pain and with the constant biting my tongue so as to not rip any ones head off. Social media also had to be avoided for fear of telling a fuckwitt or someone displaying fuckwittery being told exactly what I thought. The filter that I try to use at all times had been removed which meant that anyone was fair game. It was not a day for ambiguous attention seeking statuses or dramatic messages. I was too far gone in rage and pain to act like a well-adjusted adult.

Twenty four hours have passed since the rage set in, I am back to calm almost zen like Rach, with my fuckwittery tolerance back into the normal range. The pain has lessened so peace has been restored. If you have never known neuropathic pain or a pain that wakes you from your sleep that will not go away, distracts your every thought you will probably never understand the rage that can come with chronic pain. I hope you never have to experience that kind of pain. I can understand why people snap and just give up if they have pain like that day in day out.

I am lucky pain on that level is not constant, it just flares up from time to time. I think the change in temperatures had a lot to do with it as if my legs get cold (I have suffered with this weird phenomenon since childhood) I end up with them going white and I struggle to warm them up. Warming them up usually consists of going to bed with my electric blanket on maximum for several hours. Yesterday I kept fighting going to bed, I was not completely rational. So the pain the cold had caused just grumbled on increasing by the hour.

When the pain is that intense I can become illogical and reactive to anything and anyone. Even inanimate objects can become the victim of my rage. There is no rhyme or reason as to what will set me off. People can be a major source of annoyance hence the title of the post.

I am a people person. I like helping people and being with people but it’s on my own terms. I do control who I allow into my life quite closely. I have been involved with far too many users and abusers in the past so I am intensely careful now. I have always been ok with my own company, I have had to be as I have never made friends easily. Being solitary has always been fine with me, maybe a bit too much as I can easily withdraw from social gatherings. I can do small talk etc but I am crap at cultivating friendships as the other people feel like they are always being held at arm’s length. It is funny that my husband is the same. He is quite solitary, although he has friends he would rather be home with me, than out with them.

So I can do people today, just it will be on my own terms and massive amounts of fuckwittery will not be tolerated.

P.S
It seems spell check doesn’t like the use of fuckwitt or fuckwittery. It is funny as my phones predictive text knows exactly what I am going to say!

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