I have to admit its Wednesday the day before my blog is published and I have nothing prepared (very unlike me). The last few days have been like a whirlwind in my house with having my bedroom redecorated and the chaos that ensues from having extra furniture in every room. I am very happy with the result, I have been waiting for it to be redecorated for over a year but its come at a price, no afternoon naps or lie downs and no quiet time to write. Its impacted me creatively and physically.
I didn’t wake up this morning until gone 8:30am which is practically unheard of. I only woke up because Nurse Frankie tried to sit on me to make himself comfortable on my bed. When 40kg of Weimaraner decides to sit on you, you have no choice but to wake up for fear of being crushed!
Photo credit: Just Purr-fect dog walking and pet care Exmouth
My body is aching and I am exhausted despite the sleep-a-thon. It will take me days to get back to where I was before the preparation for the decorating commenced. If only people could see or even understand a simple thing like having ones room decorated could make you feel so awful despite the fact you never even lifted a brush. I don’t understand either how I could be nowhere near the painting and still manage to get paint on myself. I don’t know what it is but I am a dirt and paint magnet. Hence why I never wear white, it would never stay clean long enough to warrant putting it on.
The good news is none of the dogs managed to get paint on them (unlike the “incident” in 2007 when they opened a can of paint and spread it all over the house whilst I was at work. A week later they still had white stripes on their fur and I still can’t really laugh about it the way my people who know me do.) and none of the gloss on the woodwork has bits of fur on it. That has to be a first.
The decorator, my neighbour has done a fabulous job. The colours scheme is duck egg blue (a colour I am currently having a love affair with) and a sort of off white colour called Egyptian Cotton. My bedding and new curtains were bought at the start of the year in anticipation of the new colour scheme. Obviously I haven’t waited to use them. There is nothing in this world as good as sleeping on new bedding. If I had the energy and the money my bedding would be changed every day so I could experience that simple pleasure 365 days a year. Its funny how the small things in life become such a joy when you are chronically sick and have taken a step outside the “normal” world.
The redecoration of my bedroom was important, well to me anyway. When you spend as much time cooped up in one room as I do it’s imperative your surroundings are comfortable. I am a bit of a perfectionist and I will find the one patch on the ceiling that was missed or the one blotchy mark on the wall where it wasn’t painted. I can’t help myself and whilst I lay there in bed it will bug me and my eyes will be drawn to it immediately. I don’t mean to find the imperfections and I sometimes think my life would be a lot less stressful it I didn’t always seem to see the negative in a situation.
In the same way I find praise hard to accept and struggle to believe anything I do is worthy of others praise. I become acutely embarrassed if someone says something nice to me. I will examine in minute detail what they have said I have and immediately find fault. I am never good enough in my own eyes. I wish I would just give myself a break sometimes.
Being in a constant state of criticism does not lead to happiness and it never will. I wonder why I am so hard on myself, holding myself to unattainable standards yet everyone else gets a pass? I wasn’t brought up in a house full of critical people or without praise so why is this part of my psyche?
It affects every aspect of my life, I have got control of my weight again and I am sticking to my diet, yet that’s still not good enough. Despite the fact this is the first time all year I have managed to stay on the plan my inner voice is screaming at me “You shouldn’t have eaten so much”, “you’re so fat”. When I should be basking in the glory that I have lost weight, this is the longest I have stuck to it without falling off the wagon. My first goal is just pounds away but the inner critic just won’t let it rest. When faced with all that negativity on the inside its a wonder that I manage to do anything at all.
For years this inner voice has stopped me trying because if you don’t try you can’t fail. It is paralysing and all consuming, making you afraid of attempting anything new. Through the feedback I receive from my blog and writehere.com I am starting to be able to silence it a little. How can you believe that inner critic when strangers are telling you the complete opposite. It makes no sense at all to continue to listen to it, when it is obviously so way off the mark.
The positive messages I receive on my blog, my facebook page and on writehere.com are helping me slowly believe that writing is something I can do. Its amazing how appreciation for your work can build up your confidence in other areas of your life. The inner critic may voice its opinions quite vociferously in the other areas of my life but I can learn to silence them. It may have taken 40 years for me to reach this place however I am learning that one should never put life on hold just to keep that inner critic quiet.
It is worth taking a risk and putting my work out there. I am to be congratulated on taking control once more of my weight in spite of the fact 6 out of the numerous medications I take come with the warning that they will cause weight gain. People do like me, value my friendship and I did deserve to have a nicely decorated bedroom.
I am trying to find the positives in my life, some days its very hard to see them when I am wracked with pain and just a dog accidentally knocking me causes spasms of pain. Even on the worst day I am aware I am lucky to have a loving and supportive husband, family and friends. Its important when your world shrinks due to chronic illness to know that you have them there. Especially when your world has shrunk so much it has become the four walls of your bedroom.
Photo credit: Just Purr-fect Dog walking and Pet Care Exmouth
Frankie stretching out and getting comfortable
Photo Credit :Just Purr-fect Dog walking and Pet Care Exmouth
Willow getting comfortable on the dog sitters lap!
I would like to say a big thank you to Stevie who is the owner of Just Purr-fect Dog walking and Pet care for allowing me to use the pictures on my blog.