Constant State of Panic

I feel at present like I am in a constant state of panic / anxiety over everything or nothing. I don’t seem to know what is triggering it. I am a natural worrier but I have to be honest I am not really concerned about anything. However the signals from my body seem to be telling me different.

I know POTS can mess up your hormones so maybe its messing up the amount of adrenaline in my system? It is making me unsettled, anxious, shaky and my heart is just racing. Its not a panic attack as I am not convinced that I am going to die and I’m not hyperventilating. I just well its really hard to explain I feel constantly on edge.

I do naturally spiral things out of control in my head and go for the worst case scenario. With the car crash and dealing with the insurance company I convinced myself they wouldn’t pay out. I managed to talk myself around and realise this wasn’t the case. Yes that did trigger some anxiety, I now seem to have got myself into a pattern where I am becoming anxious over stupid things. Turning on the computer – why on earth be anxious about that? Getting the post? Having friends over? Am I anxious or am I just becoming aware of POTSY symptoms when I do these things? Its uncomfortable to live in a state of fear but having no idea why its happening.

Some days are better than others, today is not a good day.

I think I will post on the forum today and see what answers I get from my fellow potsy sufferers. Its driving me insane and wipes me of the very little energy I have.


Woke up at 730am this morning to the world service announcing the Tsunami warning. I came around very quickly and rushed down stairs to see the footage on the television. It doesn’t matter how many times you see the devastation caused by a Tsunami it just never seems quite real.

I remember the boxing day Tsunami and seeing the footage then and my brain not being able to fully understand what my eyes were seeing.

I have a couple of people that I know in the area where the earth quake took place and in the path of the Tsunami. I have been trying to get messages to them to ensure they are safe.

I have been following twitter and the BBC to find out what is going on.

My thoughts are with all of those affected by this disaster.

Makes the last 6 weeks of my life  with all the upheaval since the crash seem quite insignificant in the grand scheme of things.

I am so lucky to have my friends and family.



Just a quick post to advise those of you who read my blog of a series of nasty computer viruses that are destroying laptops and PC’s. Four people I know have had their computers destroyed by these viruses in the last 7 days. None of them were in email contact with each other so we don’t know why their computers were targeted.

One of the viruses will  turn your screen a vivid blue and tell you in red text that you have a virus and ask for your credit card details to clear the virus – it demands a fee of sixty dollars. Giving them your credit card details will enable them to empty your account or max out your card . It will block your access to the Internet by freezing the computer.

The other virus repeatedly opens your word documents without your consent and will steal all your passwords. It then corrupts all your files and any memory sticks you have plugged in at the time. It will also block any searches you make online when trying to get rid of the virus

The problem with both these viruses is that they are Trojans and the security software is just not picking them up. Its getting through firewalls, malware programmes etc. The people I know who have caught the virus are PC savvy and don’t go onto random unsecure sites. They had all the correct security measures in place and still got hit.

We believe the virus maybe being transferred from one infected computer to another by infected email attachments. Particularly those powered by adobe.

Things you can do to help yourself:
Don’t open emails with attachments
Email any important documents you have saved, to your own email account. That way if your computer is wrecked you still have those documents via another computer.
Create a system repair disc
Create a file back up on  removable storage – disc or usb memory stick

To create a system repair disc or file back up go to your control panel and go into security and maintenance. Both file back up and system repair disc will be n the menu. Click on either of these and your computer will talk you through what to do. I’m not at all computer savvy and I can do it!

I hope this helps

Things my parents told me ……

Mum if you are reading this I hope you aren’t offended! But for some reason today these things popped into my head and I was having a really good chuckle to myself. I was wondering if anyone else can remember things that their parents told them when they were young?

1. You will like mushrooms when you are older.

A complete and utter lie! I’m 37 I don’t know how much older I will have to get before I like them. I know they impart a lovely taste to food – like mushroom ketchup. But to actually eat a mushroom, no way I would rather eat a bogey!

2. Your sister will be taller than you when you are grown up.

Rubbish. I’m 5ft  9 inches tall shes about 5ft 7 inches /5 ft 8 inches tall. This really used to wind me up as a kid. I think this is why they said it. I was absolutely huge compared to all the kids. At age 11 I was 5ft 7 inches tall and had size 7 feet.I couldn’t fit in children’s clothes and wore a ladies size 10. I towered over my teachers and was starting to tower over my parents!
 Guess what at 11 I thought I was fat due to the fact I had an adults figure at that age. I would chop my own leg off now to fit into a size 10!  I now have size 8 feet and in some shoes need a 9! At age 7 I was in size 2 adult shoes. I won’t tell you what size clothes I am in now……but it ain’t a ten!

3. “Stay down stairs we are going in the loft.” My parents to my sister and I.

Lie. I will let you work out for yourselves what they were doing but it had absolutely nothing to do with the loft and usually occurred on Sunday afternoons! The shameful thing is I didn’t work this one out until I was around 19 years old! How naive and trusting was I? I was more embarrassed that I hadn’t worked it out than anything else!

4. You will meet a man who becomes your husband and you will want kids.

This was told to me repeatedly by adults (not my parents) when I was 15/16/17 years old. I’ve never wanted children of my own. If my health had been better and we had the space I would have liked to provide emergency foster care for troubled teens.

 I just have no maternal desire to have children. Thankfully Hubby doesn’t want kids either. He’s quite honest he says he couldn’t share me with anyone. Its very hard to take this stance and be brave enough to stick to it. There is a lot of pressure from family ( not mine) and acquaintances who automatically assume you will have kids. Even the medical profession seem surprised I don’t have off spring. Thankfully my best friend is also a non maternal type so we have a good laugh about this together.

We are always amazed that people demand an answer to this most personal of questions. What if their were medical reasons we couldn’t have kids? Would it be OK to pry into our lives then? I have seen some articles in the papers written by woman who don’t want children, the pressure applied to them is so great they no longer go to family functions. Thankfully Ellie and I don’t have that kind of pressure from our partners or our families.

Sorry that turned into a bit of a rant!

5. You will like Stilton / olives / marrow when you are older.

Guess what I still can’t stand them!

Are there things that you remember being told as a kid that you still have a chuckle about to this day? I frequently bring up the mushroom / Stilton / olive / Marrow conversations and we do laugh about it.

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Health wise I am really good at the moment. I am struggling with the antibiotics they are making me nauseous and they are giving me stomach cramps. I have ended up taking anti sickness meds and tramadol for the stomach pain. Not ideal but for the last two days I have felt better than I have in months. I think I must have had some underlying infection going on for quite sometime. I have been tracking my temperature for a while and I kept getting low grade fevers but that was the only symptom. As far as I was concerned it was just another of my strange medical quirks. So that may have been the only symptom I had of this underlying infection. Just seems odd that after 2 days of antibiotics I feel so much better as the antibiotics although broad spectrum are being used to treat a skin infection!!

My ear is good and bad. The popping and scratching noises have stopped since using the ear drops. However the ear drops are hurting when I put them in and leaving me with a feeling of fullness in my ear and a slight ache. I have to say its marginally less annoying than the popping and scratching noise.

I have felt so well I have actually managed to get some small jobs done around the house that I haven’t been able to tackle for weeks. I think once I am on top of this I will be able to crack on with my novel. I promised myself that I would complete it this year and it hasn’t been going too well. Too much procrastinating I think!

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My latest Reads

I have just read JG Ballards Empire of The Sun and really enjoyed it. You can tell as I finished it in two days. It really shocked me how people became so selfish even towards children in the Japanese concentration camps. It described a harsh and brutal world through the eyes of a child. Children don’t analyze everything so Jim, the main character is very matter of fact about everything. I have never seen the film and I don’t know if I will bother as films are never as good as the books.

 I will be moving onto J G Ballard’s The Kindness Of Women tonight which is the next part of Jim’s life. The books are autobiographical but read like a novel as there is no soul searching in them or justification of their actions. It is his life as it was then. I like that kind of honesty as I think we all have a tendency to gloss over things. Thats why I liked a Million Little Pieces and My Friend Leonard.

I have also read 2 books by Lionel Shriver We need to talk about Kevin, and So Much For That. Out of the two I have to say I preferred We Need To Talk About Kevin. I got about two chapters in and realized that I had read this book before a few years ago. It is actually very similar to another book I have read in the last twelve months but the name escapes me.

The story is about a mother of a child who is a mass murderer – as in they have taken a weapon to school and gunned down their classmates. Or in the case of this book used a cross bow to murder his class mates. Its a very clever book which won several prizes in 2005 when it was published and is written as a series of letters.

So Much For That is another book by Lionel Shriver. I actually read this one before We Need to Talk About Kevin. This one was OK but it was hard work, Lionel Shriver needed a very tough Editor on this one. It is over written enormously, there are great swathes of prose that could have easily been culled from the novel without it doing any harm to the story. I found myself skipping pages or speed reading so I could return to the story line. Don’t let that put you off though as the dynamic of the story is brilliant. Exploring human relationships in the face of real adversity.

The book struck a chord with me as it is about how chronic illness affects a family. It shows how like a pebble being dropped into a pond the energy waves touch every aspect of every member of the families life. It shows the difference in coping strategies between those who have always been ill and have known no other life and those who suddenly become ill. It is an excellent exploration of the human character.

I did enjoy it and the further you get into the book the story line really takes over and leaves the superfluous information behind.

OK thats all for now!

sorry its been a while

Quite a few things have happened in the last few weeks and to be honest I have just been so completely and utterly exhausted I have found no time or motivation for either my blog or writing my novel.

Insomnia has been a really big issue since hubby’s crash. I’ve always suffered with it maybe just two nights a month usually around my period. The insomnia now is turning into a 2-3 times a week. I don’t mean tossing and turning and having a little light sleep, I mean full on wide awake all night. After two hours of failing to drop off I end up getting up and watching programmes I sky + earlier in the evening. On the up side I don’t work so being like a zombie the next day doesn’t matter, but it makes me feel so ill. One day this week I slept from 2pm until 8am the following morning after the previous nights lack of sleep.

Insomnia is a lonely business, you can’t ring anyone, you have to creep around the house for fear of disturbing anyone else. Thank god for facebook as I have quite a few chats with friends all over the world. Its awful you feel so tired but something won’t let you drop off. You beg for your body just to give in……but it doesn’t.

I don’t think the stress of insurance claims, late cheques and solicitors has helped matters at all. I have to be honest it hasn’t been something I have been consciously worrying about. Its just been a lot of hard work. Over 5 weeks I think I must have spent 40 hours on paperwork. The sad thing is I don’t have the energy to waste on it. The housework has come to a grinding halt. Hubby with his back and me wandering around like a zombie are not a good combination. Everything needs pulled out and dusted down. Just the bare minimum gets done. I hate it. It makes me feel guilty, I don’t work and I can barely manage to look after myself let alone my injured husband.

My Postural orthostatic tachycardia behaved itself until we put a deposit down on a replacement vehicle. It was like all the things that I had to keep going for had been removed and I came down with a crash at the start of this week. To top it off I have an ear infection and a skin infection and today was placed on two different courses of antibiotics.

I saw my new Dr today and he seems very nice but I reserve judgement. I have found a lot of Dr’s who seem very nice but actually do very little for their money. I was impressed today however that swabs were taken to ensure I was on the correct course of antibiotics. At my old practice they wouldn’t have bothered.

Dr Y sent me a letter of apology a few weeks ago, it wasn’t very apologetic. He couldn’t tell me why he didn’t bother to ring me, it was human error. I wanted to write back was it human error on the other two occasions? But my hands are tied. He will be involved in writing the report for the insurance company as he is my husbands Dr. So for the time being I have to put up and shut up. Safe in the knowledge I will never have to use that surgery again.

Hubs is slowly healing. He is now under the care of a chiropractor. He has severe acute damage to L4 – in fact its still got a nice purple bruise marking the disc. He has also damaged several vertebrae in his neck. He is only working 3 days a week at present as he is struggling to complete a full day. Next week he moves to 4 days a week. He still can’t kneel as his knees are too painful.

So what happened to the two louts who caused this spiral of events? One pleaded guilty in a magistrates court and was found guilty of taking a car without consent – stealing! and driving whilst having 74 micro grammes of alcohol in 100 millilitres of breath. The legal limit is 35 micro grammes. He got 200 hours community service, banned from driving for 20 months ordered to pay £85 costs and £300 compensation to my husband. I doubt we will ever see the money. If he doesn’t pay he can end up in prison.

The second lout decided to plead not guilty. He had his trail setting court date this week. So we are waiting to hear from witness support as to when Hubs will have to appear as a witness for the prosecution.

Considering the impact these two have had on our lives I think they have got off pretty lightly. We are still picking up the pieces and will do for months to come. Hubs is still nervous driving and I am still going out with him whenever I can as I get very anxious when he drives anywhere.

At the moment I would just like one day where we aren’t having to deal with car insurance, solicitors , hire cars or anything else for that matter. It just seems never ending at the moment.