Its now been a week since Oxford contacted me and I am still yet to hear from them in regard to my admission for tests. I was hoping that I would go in March but thinking about it, it will probably be April due to the financial year starting and new budgets etc.
I’m also waiting to hear from Dr Y regarding my request for a referral to London to see the pulmanologist there. Why does everything have to take such a long time? My breathing has been an issue again lately and I have had a couple of days where I have had to use the oxygen to see me through.
I’m really tired today. Hubby had some friends around to watch the superbowl and my god they were noisey. We did warn the neighbours that we had people coming over, the walls on the houses seem no thicker than paper sometimes! Everyone is still alive after eating my chicken curry so I’m happy about that.
Feeling sad today as it is exactly a year since I saw these guys. Yesterday I got a glimpse into normal life, lost the anxiety that seems to be constant at the moment. I lost the anxiety because I could live in the moment rather than have too much time on my hands worrying about the future and punishing myself for actions in the past. Nine hours alone everyday with very little human contact will do that to you. I hate it the fact that every moment seems to be clouded by this anxiety, over the most stupid things. Most of the time I can talk myself out of it or distract myself. But with so much time on my hands it can be hard to do.
I sat here again this morning and thought is this all my life is going to be until I die? I get up watch TV or Read or go on the internet, waiting for phone calls from my Husband or mum. Other than that no human contact at all? Thats why I write this blog, I’m shouting out into the world hoping someone will hear me and acknowledge my existence. Though I know through experience there are many others like me. Having contact with them through the internet literally saves me.
Please don’t feel sorry for me, thats not what I want. I’m not sat here with tears streaming down my face. Its just this wasn’t the life I had mapped out for me. These things just happen. Just when I think I have accepted my fate gracefully I start to resent it again. I just think when I have enjoyed myself and been caught up in the moment the next day or week can be extremely hard. It magnifies the solitude.
I have to believe that one day it will be different. This is the worst time of year as its so dark, gloomy and cold. You dont really see anyone. In the summer I will be in the garden and it will be wonderful.